After watching the joyous masses celebrate the coming of the Age Of Obama, and hearing the Savior-In-Chief himself eloquently entreating us to do...ya know...stuff, I have realized the error of my ways.
So, I repent.
I cast aside all fears and doubts, all divisiveness and hate, and I submit myself to HIS will. No longer will I take part in the old, discredited ways, in which I practiced polarization, resistance, and thought, for I have found the warm comforting caress of unity. I'm now in harmony with all my
I must repent for the egregious sin of voting for John McCain (R-AZ), that voicer of hate-filled rhetoric and racist code-words, such as "I disagree with Mr. Obama," "Vote For McCain/Palin," and (shiver) "That one." I am so deeply sorry. I must have been under the spell of that fat druggie Rush Limbaugh, or seduced by that a-hole Sean Hannity of Fixed Noise. I'm ecstatic to be free of all prejudice and hate now. I have put away childish things. And gawd, that Sarah Palin, I can clearly see now that she was an ignorant be-yotch and not even really a woman. What a trailer trash hick. I'm so grateful to have the veil of judgmental darkness lifted from my eyes.
But comrades, there are some corrections even we, the People Of Light, must make. Some of our quotas are way off, probably due to Karl Rove and the evil corporate Republican attack machine, but the quotas are off nonetheless. For instance, we received 95% of the black vote, but we only have ONE black Senator in Congress, and he wasn't even elected, he was appointed by Blago, his crooked WHITE BOSS (and what is "boss" but another word for "master" ?). And where are all the Latino Senators ??? This is intolerable. Some of the haters might start saying we're just panderers. The Republicans are the white party, not us. We have to kick some white boys to the curb, pronto. Remember the holy rap of Rev. Lowery at Obama's benediction:
When black would not be asked to give back,
Brown would stick around,
yellow would be mellow,
red man would get ahead, man,
white would embrace the right.
Right on ! We can't keep freely electing white people using the democratic process and still call ourselves progressives, man. That's the old way. We must "embrace the right." I apologize if it sounds like I'm 'speaking truth to power' here. I know that doesn't apply to us, and I'm not trying to barack the boat, but we need a Congressional quota system right away.
I also think we should institute a big tax credit for Asian people. We'll get "the rich" to make up the difference. Hey, the Asians are worth a few percentage points. It could make a difference. I have many other "uniting" ideas as well.
- A new federal government agency, The Department Of Absolute Moral Authority, which will be headed by Democrat John Edwards. This deparment will address the grievances of our various liberal constituencies, all of which have been victimized by living in the United States Of America, which is, to paraphrase Olby, the Worst Country In The World.
- If people can't stop laughing at Timothy Geithner long enough to confirm him, we should appoint William Jefferson (D-LA) as our new Treasury Secretary (provided Jefferson isn't convicted). This may sound a bit odd at first, but think about it - William Jefferson was keeping his money at home in his freezer just as the financial crisis was about to happen. Clearly, Jefferson is prescient about financial matters, thus eminently qualified for that post.
- Close Gitmo and create a new Civilian Terrorist Court (CTC), headed by Chief CTC Justice William Ayers, who is experienced with terrorism. We can also try Bush in this court. After the Gitmo detainees are acquitted and Bush is convicted, the whole world will see who the real terrorist is.
- Create a new Department Of Border Non-Security, to allow every Mexican into the country who wants to come here for a better life. It's racist not to allow this, and the Mexicans will gratefully vote for Democrats in return for this inclusive and tolerant policy. We should probably start a tax credit for Mexicans just to make sure. "The rich" can also pick up this tab.
- Add the New York Times to the federal bailout, giving them $10 billion so they can create "unity" by buying the wingnut Wall Street Journal. This will happen in concert with the Fairness Doctrine, of course. Then we only have to worry about how to silence those divisive haters at Fixed Noise. Actually, we only have to silence Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity. The left knows very well how to silence people, if you catch my drift. As for Limbaugh, after the Fairness Doctrine it will be the Rush Limbaugh/Randi Rhodes show, if it exists at all. Since nobody will voluntarily listen to Rhodes - Mission Accomplished.
- In order to achieve "social justice," we should socialize not just health care, but also electric bills, gas bills, water bills, grocery bills, credit card bills, automobile purchases, gasoline expenses, college educations, clothing expenses, housing, dentistry, vision care, haircuts, television expenses, health club memberships, and miscellaneous entertainment costs. That's the only fair way.
Let the great new era of progressivism begin ! Halllelujah. I don't know why it took me so long to wake up to the greatness of it all.
P.S. - I know I'm new to progressivism, and I don't want to sound pushy or anything, but - how do I get my check ? Is there a website, or what ?
zzzzzzzzzzzz...snort....um....what the....whoa....was I asleep ? Oh my, what a nightmare I just had.
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