As part of his new $3.9 trillion budget plan, described by the White House as "another responsible government step geared toward getting the nation's fiscal house in order", President Obama has included an unreported program known as Universal LifeCoach!. In an All Da King's Men world exclusive, I will unveil the details of that program today, but before I do that, I have to take a moment to commend our President for his budget busting spending proposal. As all progressives know, the way to achieve fiscal sustainability and help Americans is for the government to spend all their money and tax them to death. Kudos to Mr. Obama.
The idea for Universal LifeCoach! was sparked when President Obama saw an episode of Lindsay Lohan's new reality show on the Oprah Winfrey Network. The President saw that Lohan, struggling with addiction, was assigned a "sober coach" to help her deal with life. it occurred to Obama that everybody could use a coach, or Big Brother, to help them get through life. Thus, Universal LifeCoach! was born.
Before I get into the details of Universal LifeCoach!,..isn't Oprah Winfrey a national treasure, folks ? Let's have a huge round of applause for her. Oprah knows that the thing to do for a person struggling with addiction and having coping issues is to thrust them into the national spotlight and follow them with television cameras whereever they go. That has worked so well in the past for celebrities such as Marilyn Monroe, Michael Jackson, Kurt Cobain, and Elvis Presley. You're the greatest, Oprah !!! Good luck with those ratings !
Back to the exciting new Universal LifeCoach! program, which many have already nicknamed ObamaCoach!. Under the program, all Americans will be mandated to have their own personal Life Coach, or ObamaCoach!. We will all have personal Big Brothers to guide us through life. Isn't that great !?!?!? The President will have a team of crack government experts create an online exchange of Big Brothers/ObamaCoaches from which you can pick. The website is expected to cost $3 billion and will be ready somewhere around the year 2019. The Geek Squad offered to develop the website for $20K and have it ready in six weeks, but the Geek Squad is non-union and was therefore rejected under the rules of Universal LifeCoach!.
I can't get into all the details of the 247,000 page Universal LifeCoach! program here, but what follows are some of the chapter headings of the newly required LifeCoach! handbook, a pocket-size reference guide which can be easily carried by all, now available in red:
- How To Choose Michelle-Approved Foods And Cook Michelle-Compliant Meals
- How To Avoid Having Your Political Group Targeted By The IRS
- Parenting 101: Raising Your Politically Correct Child
- How To Spot And Avoid Wingnuts
- The Complete List Of All Things Banned
- Getting All Your Free Stuff In Three Easy Steps
- Choosing Biased Versus Unbiased Media Sources
- When Are Grandma And Grandpa SImply Too Old For That Surgical Procedure ?
- Where To Turn In Climate Change Violators
- Approved Versus Non-Approved Schools
- Why Do Some People Oppose President Obama's Ideas ? Are They All Racists, Or Only Most Of Them ?
- Shaming 101: What To Do When Encountering Non-Approved Free Speech
- Selfie No-Nos: The Anthony Weiner Story
- Vast Right Wing Conspiracies (written by Hillary Clinton)
The Democrats are hailing Universal LifeCoach! as an unprecedented job creation program:
"With everyone having their own personal ObamaCoach!, unemployment will virtually disappear !", exclaimed the jubilant Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid (D-NV).
Other notable ObamaCoach! quotes from Democrats:
"I can't wait to find out what's in it !" - House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).
"With my own personal ObamaCoach!, maybe now I'll get my taxes paid" - Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY)
"Is there a chapter in that little red book on proper cigar etiquette ?" - Bill Clinton (D-AR)
Republicans objected to ObamaCoach! as a serious affront to the Constitution, to which President Obama replied, "I'm a constitutional expert, and the word 'LifeCoach!' isn't found anywhere in the Constitution, so there". The entire liberal wing of the Supreme Court immediately concurred with the President. The conservative wing dissented, except for Chief Justice John Roberts, who said, "darn it, but Obama is right. The word 'LifeCoach' ISN'T in there. It must be constitutional".
When confronted with the CBO's estimate that hiring a personal ObamaCoach! for every American would add $25 trillion to the deficit over the next decade, White House Press Secretary Jay Carner countered, "that's the kind of nonsense we expect from Fox News". No White House reporter could get Carney to understand that the CBO is not Fox News. He waved away their attempted instruction, saying, "I can't respond to every crazy conspiracy theory you all throw at me", and ended the press conference.
To apply to become an ObamaCoach!, go here. Starting pay is $5 per hour for white/asian people, $6 per hour for hispanic people, and $7 per hour for black people. The minimum wage was waived for this job, due to it's importance, and all members of Congress are excluded from the requirements of Universal LifeCoach!, which would be overly burdensome to the members. All ObamaCoaches will receive free health care, free food, free clothing/uniforms, and free government barracks-style housing.
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