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All Da King's Men

Bringing The Stupid: CNN Bans Metaphors

By Da King Published: January 19, 2011

met·a·phor -noun
1. a figure of speech in which a term or phrase is applied to something to which it is not literally applicable in order to suggest a resemblance, as in “A mighty fortress is our god.”
2. something used, or regarded as being used, to represent something else; emblem; symbol

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Following the Tucson shootings, our professional media quickly reached the conclusion that metaphors were the root cause (i.e., Palin's metaphorical "crosshairs" map, Palin using the word "reload" metaphorically, Palin's face appearing on metaphorically-shaped television screens, etc). According to a recent CNN poll, a plurality of Democrats believe Palin's metaphors are partially responsible for the Tucson shootings (in related news, a plurality of Democrats also believe their computers are living beings, unlike their fetuses).

Thus, even though metaphors have a long, illustrious history as powerful figurative literary techniques, CNN moved to ban them after it was discovered liberals had no idea what words like "figurative" and "metaphor" actually mean. Liberals suspect they may be covert calls for political violence. The jury is still out on whether liberals understand the meaning of the word "historical", though it doesn't look good. History may have to be banned next, as well as all words containing more than five letters. A DailyKos diarist pointed out that if you rearrange the letters in the word "metaphor", it spells out "team orph", which might be a reference to a shadowy right-wing militia-type extremist group. One can't be too careful. Those right-wingers are freaking diabolical (that means 'evil', liberals).

Here's professional newsman John King of CNN to explain the problem:

King: "Before we go to break, I want to make a quick point. We were having a discussion about the Chicago mayoral race. My friend Andy Shaw used the term 'in the crosshairs' in talking about the candidates. We're trying, we're trying to get away from that language. Andy is a good friend, he's covered politics for a long time, but we're trying to get away from that kind of language."

I can only assume liberals were flooding the FBI with calls demanding that John King's friend Andy Shaw be arrested for inciting political violence, so CNN's view is understandable. Laughable, but understandable.

There is rumor that President Obama may soon appoint a Metaphorical Oversight Czar (MOC) to monitor the situation and ferret out violations of figurative speech. I mean, without that, people might start going around saying all kinds of things, saying whatever they want to say. Imagine what kind of country that would be. Obama definitely should MOC speech like that before it gets out of control, don't you think ?

Congressional Democrats willl introduce their landmark Keeping An Eye On The English Teacher legislation next week, with a special 800-number for schoolkids to call in order to keep the authorities apprised of non-acceptable metaphorical speech. Upon hearing this news, Joan Copperfield, head of the Camden County Teacher's Union And Pancake Breakfast, commented that the new legislation "was like putting a gun to our teacher's heads". Copperfield was immediately relieved of duty for a speech violation, and was last heard being dragged off screaming, "but that was a simile ! It was a simile !" Liberals were not moved by Copperfield's pleas. Liberal spokesman Grant Inquisiter responded, "whatever a simile is, we don't like those either. Copperfield is acting like a horse's ass !" Inquister was also immediately relieved of duty. Liberals are looking for a mute to replace him as spokesperson.

Before that bitch Sarah Palin came along and ruined metaphors for CNN and everyone else, the Washington Examiner points out that CNN used THE EXACT SAME CROSSHAIR METAPHORS when referring to Palin and others. Here we go:

"Palin's moose-hunting episode on her reality show enraged People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, and now, she's square in the crosshairs of big time Hollywood producer, Aaron Sorkin," reported A.J. Hammer of CNN's Headline News on December 8.

"Companies like MasterCard are in the crosshairs for cutting ties with WikiLeaks," said CNN Kiran Chetry in a December 9 report.

"Thousands of people living in areas that are in the crosshairs have been told to evacuate," Chetry said in a December 21 report on flooding in California.

"He's in their crosshairs," said a guest in a December 21 CNN discussion of suspects in a missing-person case.

"This will be the first time your food will be actually in the crosshairs of the FDA," business reporter Christine Romans said on December 22.

"The U.S. commander in the East has Haqqani in his crosshairs," CNN's Barbara Starr reported on December 28, referring to an Afghan warlord.

"We know that health care reform is in the crosshairs again," CNN's Joe Johns reported on January 3.

All these irresponsible "crosshairs" incitements were uttered on CNN in the month prior to the Tucson shootings. Coincidence ? Or subversive plot ? Only liberals know for sure. Maybe we should call the Truthers. They're always on top of things.

I made a phone call to CNN's Vice President In Charge Of Figurative News for an explanation of why CNN used the violent phrase "in the crosshairs" so often, and why that was different from what Palin did. CNN's FIgurative VP replied, "we're going to try not to do it in the future, but it was alright when we did do it, because we aren't Sarah Palin". Then he hung up on me.

Back to you, Soledad.

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