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All Da King's Men

How To Spot A Domestic Terrorist

By Da King Published: March 21, 2009

The great state of Missouri has issued a government report about how to recognize potential militia members. The report is called the MIAC Strategic Report - The Modern Militia Movement. As a public service, I would like to share with you some of the signs that will warn you these dangerous militia lunatics, whom the MIAC report calls "domestic terrorists," are in your midst. Here's what to look out for, according to the report:

Militia members are most commonly associated with 3rd party political groups. It is not uncommon for militia members to display Constitutional Party, Campaign For Liberty, or Libertarian material. These members are usually supporters of former Presidential candidates Ron Paul, Chuck Baldwin, or Bob Barr.

Hmmm. That sounds like......ME. Who knew I was a domestic terrorist ? Should I turn myself in ? I haven't committed any crime, but maybe I've committed one of those "thoughtcrimes," like Orwell described in his novel 1984. Do we have any re-education centers I can go to, other than the public school system, I mean ? The Missouri government is pointing out that if you aren't either a Democrat or a Republican, you are suspicious, and if you belong to one of those 3rd party groups that actually believes in the U.S. Constitution (unlike the D's and R's), well, you're downright dangerous. We don't need any of those subversive types around, blathering on about the Bill Of Rights, limited government, the founding principles, and all that other crazy talk.

Here's another sign you should watch out for. This is the #1 symbol worn by those militia nuts, according to the MIAC report. If you see one of these, you should probably call 911 immediately:

gadsden flag

This is called the Gadsden flag. See how scary it is, with the snake and the fangs ? Oooh. Shiver. Only a crazy person would wear that......and I have one tattooed on my arm. Oh, no. I AM a domestic terrorist. I better turn myself in. Where's the nearest federal penitentiary ? On the other hand, the Gadsden Flag dates to colonial times, and is an important historical symbol of American independence and liberty, so what's all the fuss about ? I guess it's that spirit of independence and liberty that makes our current government think it's radical. They don't like that. It doesn't make for passive and well-controlled sheeple.

There are other ways to spot these "domestic terrorists" too. This is all from the government report: They are white males. They own guns and think the current administration is anti-2nd Amendment. They believe in the New World Order. They think the U.S. economy might collapse. They fear Obama's Civilian Defense Force. They are Christians. They are anti-abortion. They are anti-illegal immigration. They are tax resistors.

Darn. Suddenly, I'm beginning to feel like it's 1933, and I'm a Jew living in Nazi Germany. I'm an enemy of the state. I'm a terrorist, and being non-Muslim, I don't even get the 72 virgins. What a gyp.

Hey, if I'm such an outcast in today's America, shouldn't that make me a protected minority of some sort ? That's the ticket. I'm a VICTIM, doggone it ! Pay me, or I'll call the ACLU.

What's really disturbing about the militia report is how it links extremism with patriotism, as if every Constitution loving American is somehow a potential Timothy McVeigh. I was insulted when I read it. By the MIAC's standards, George Washington was a potential Timothy McVeigh. Sorry, I'm not buying into that nonsense.

After outing myself as a libertarian-leaning white male with a "don't tread on me" tattoo who believes in the founding principles of America (aka, a suspected terrorist), I might as well go the whole nine yards and invite everyone to attend the National Tax Day Tea Party on April 15th at Cleveland's Public Square. We have to start fighting back sometime, folks.

I have to go now. A SWAT team is breaking down my front door.

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