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All Da King's Men

I Don't Believe In Atheists

By Da King Published: September 1, 2010

"I'm not an atheist and I don't think I can call myself a pantheist. We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library filled with books in many languages. The child knows someone must have written those books. It does not know how. It does not understand the languages in which they are written. The child dimly suspects a mysterious order in the arrangements of the books, but doesn't know what it is. That, it seems to me, is the attitude of even the most intelligent human being toward God." - Albert Einstein
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Joke: One day, a zookeeper noticed the orangutan was reading two books, the Bible and On the Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the orangutan why it was reading both books. "Well," said the orangutan (it was one of those fancy talking orangutans), "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother".
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Just as atheists don't believe in God, I don't believe in atheists. Atheism is the denial of God. There is no human on earth with the requisite knowledge to make such a sweeping declarative assesment, not even Obama (another joke). An atheist is like Einstein's child in the library saying he knows the books arrived there by some unexplainable and natural cosmic coincidence, as if the books, to use a loaded term, just evolved into existence. Even Darwin's book On The Origin Of Species doesn't actually tell us the, you know, origin of the species. Darwin couldn't explain how life began, because he didn't know. So we got speculation about primordial ooze instead. Btw, I heard primordial ooze was on sale this week at Walmart for $3.99 lb. You can pick some up and attempt to create life from it in your basement. Good luck.

I could understand atheists a lot better if they called themselves agnostics (people who aren't sure), but no, atheists are pretty darned certain about their arrogance. The same could be said about Christians, but at least Christians have a book, a historical record. There was a Jesus, whether you want to believe in him or not. What do atheists have, other than their own feeling of superiority ?

My favorite kind of atheists are the ones I call Atheists For Jesus. These atheists pooh-pooh the idea of the "invisible man in the sky" (that's how they refer to God), but then they turn around and pass judgement about how certain Christians don't follow the teachings of Jesus, the same Jesus the atheists don't believe in. Go figure that one out. The Atheists For Jesus are chiding Christians for not following the teachings of a man the atheists consider to be either a lunatic or a con man. I mean, I don't believe in the tooth fairy, but I don't lecture others on proper tooth fairy protocol - "You have to leave the money UNDER the pillow, you fool ! And it better be folding money. The tooth fairy doesn't take quarters these days. Nothing under five bucks is acceptable, and make sure to leave the window open so the tooth fairy can get in". That would be...crazy.

The Atheists For Jesus will even quote scripture passages from the Bible they don't believe in to make some point, usually about the hypocrisy of Christians who do believe in the Bible. One point made this way by atheists is that Jesus was a Socialist, a swipe at conservative Christians. Here's one example the Atheists For Jesus use from the book they don't believe, from the man they don't believe in:

Jesus said, “I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.”

The Atheists For Jesus claim this proves Jesus was a Socialist, but I have my doubts. My family members would do most of these things for me, and none of them are Socialists. I think this quote extols the virtues of charity, but it doesn't mean we should embrace Karl Marx.

Another claim is that by multiplying the loaves and fishes and feeding the crowd, it is thus proven that Jesus was a Socialist. Well, I went to an anniversary party last weekend and the hosts fed everyone there, but again, that wasn't Socialism, it was a cookout.

I've even heard the "render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's" quote used to justify exorbitant tax rates and socialist policy, but I'm fairly certain Jesus wasn't commenting on the relative merits of the Bush tax cuts there. If you remember, Jesus was concerned about the kingdom of heaven far more than earthly political matters.

When atheists aren't making fools of themselves quoting the Jesus they don't believe in, they are generally making the point that religion is divisive and can lead to wars. Certainly this can be true, and it reminds me of another joke, known as The Heretic:

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
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Yes, religion can be divisive. It seems the atheists have a point.

But...let's take a look at some of the atheist states, such as Communist China under Mao Tse Tung, the Soviet Union under Stalin, Cambodia under Pol Pot. Those states murdered around 100 million of their own citizens in the 20th century. Maybe we should say atheism can be divisive too, as pretty much any -ism has the potential to be.

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