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Universe Lacks Diversity: The contestant from Mexico won the Miss Universe pageant yesterday, marking the 59th time in a row that the winner of the Miss Universe beauty pageant has come from the planet Earth. In fact, the winner has always come from Earth. Not one winner has come from any other planet, solar system, or galaxy in the entire vast universe. Mars, Venus, Andromeda, and the United Federation Of Planets have filed discrimination charges. They will be represented by the ACLU. To my knowledge, no conservative group has called to congratulate Miss Mexico, proving that conservatives are anti-Hispanic, and yes, I wrote this solely as an excuse to show a gratuitous photo of pretty girls in bikinis.
Religion Of Peace Kills 32: In it's ongoing effort to promote cultural understanding and tolerance, Muslim suicide bombers and gunmen wearing military uniforms attacked a hotel near Somalia's presidential palace Monday, sparking a one-hour gun battle with security forces. At least 32 people (including many infidels, praise Allah) were killed, including six Somali parliamentarians. It's fairly certain the attack came from Al Shabab, a Muslim group modeled after the Taliban who is allied with Al Qaeda. They are attempting to whip Somalia into submission by force. Al Shabab forbids women to leave home without a male relative, and have banned music, movies, and sports on TV. Limbs are chopped off as punishment, and they carry out executions by stoning. Al Shabab orders Somali households to contribute one son to the militant group's ranks. Childless households must pay Al Shabab $50 per month. The per capita income in Somalia is...$50 per month. In the U.S., such forced contribution goes by the name ObamaCare.
Liberal groups demanded an immediate pullout of U.S. troops from Somalia, until it was pointed out to them that there are no U.S. troops in Somalia. "Well, let's pull out of Afghanistan then, and let the Taliban takeover there," said Professor Percy Noodleman of the liberal think tank StinkProgress. "We must pullout of somewhere, because America is to blame for the violence. It's our policies that create it." A spokesman for the conservative website NewsMocks called Noodleman a "retard," prompting other liberal groups to attack NewsMocks as unenlightened and insensitive for using the word "retard." MSNBC's Keith Ubermoron demanded that every member of the congressional GOP issue a formal apology for the remark, to be followed by a stoning. "This retarded extremist right-wing behavior must end," said Ubermoron, who named the NewsMocks spokesman The Worst Person In The World on his nightly show. The Al Shabab suicide bomber didn't make Uber's Worst list. The other two Worst Persons were Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck, the same as every other night. Not that Ubermoron's perspective is warped or anything. His dozen or so viewers certainly don't think so.
The Road Of Excess Leads To The Palace Of Wisdom: With the state of California facing a $20.7 billion budgetary shortfall this year, the city of Los Angeles just finished building the most expensive public school in the nation's history, the $578 million Robert F. Kennedy School. RFK will serve 4,200 students in grades K-12. RFK follows the opening of two other Los Angeles schools that are among the nation's most expensive - the $377 million Edward R. Roybal Learning Center, which opened in 2008, and the $232 million Visual and Performing Arts High School that debuted in 2009.
The only good news here, if you can call it good news, is that the RFK school didn't come out of the state's education budget. It was funded via $20 billion in voter-approved bonds (Los Angeles County is full of Democrats). Liberal groups have been saying taxes in California are not high enough. I'm not kidding. They've been saying it for the last two years, as one Taj Mahal school after another is constructed. I can't even satirize this story. It satirizes itself. This Los Angeles school district is one of the lowest performing in the country, but at least they're going to look good as they fail. Btw, the RFK school district faces a $640 million budgetary shortfall this year, and has laid off 3,000 teachers over the last two years. To give you an idea how expensive this $578 million school is...China's Olympic Bird's Nest Stadium cost $500 million, and Invesco Field for the Denver Broncos cost $400 million. I wish I was making up any part of this story, but sadly, I'm not. As Forest Gump said, "Stupid is as stupid does." I propose a 99% tax on rich liberal Hollywood celebrities to help California out (which would turn all those rich liberal celebrities into conservative fiscal hawks in about two seconds).
That's all, folks. Over and out.