Now that I know you don't have to actually accomplish anything to win a Nobel Peace Prize, that you can just give a speech and win, I am submitting my own entry for next year's prize. I call this speech, 'Imagine The Peace.'
Without further ado, here's my 2010 Nobel-winning peace speech.
Dear Nobel committee,
First, to every country in the world, I'd like to apologize on behalf of America. We are very sorry for whatever you think we should be sorry for, and we will pay reparations in whatever amount each country deems fit, to atone for our past sins. No longer will America act in it's own interests without the express written consent of the entire international community. I propose the establishment of a new world governing body to oversee America and approve her actions. We'll call it the G-195. The G-195's absolute authority will overrule America's Constitution and laws. This is the only fair way to prevent us from acting "unilaterally."
As an act of good faith, America will leave Iraq and Afghanistan immediately, and withdraw all our troops from foreign soil. We will release all prisoners of war and terrorists from Guantanamo Bay and other sites, and return them to their home countries. We will also dismantle all of our nuclear weapons, and we kindly request other countries do the same, if that's alright with the G-195, of course. We desire a nuclear-free world.
We will slash our defense budget by 90%, and use that money as foreign aid instead. We will open our borders and allow anyone in who wants to come to America, bar none. Equality for all the world's people.
In order to combat global warming, we will immediately ban all non-emergency, non-electric passenger cars, and we will ban all CO2 emissions from our manufacturing plants. We will only use our electrical power grid to recharge our electric automobiles, except during the coldest winter months, December thru March, when the government will allow the citizens to heat their homes. All government offices and buildings are exempted from this requirement, in order to keep the government operating at maximum efficiency, which is critical. The government is good and wise in all things.
We will require that all official American documents be provided in every language known to mankind. This requirement will also be mandated for every American business that interacts with the public. This is true multiculturalism.
All persons residing in America, who will all be considered legal American citizens upon entry, will receive health care free of charge, and whatever size monthly welfare stipend each citizen thinks he/she needs to prosper, up to $10,000 monthly. We'll use the honor system. This is social justice.
Knowing that the children are our future, America will increase it's education budget tenfold, and the children will attend school all year round, with a couple weeks off during the non-religion specific holiday period at the end of December. Graduation from college is mandated for all American citizens, followed by five years of government service. Our goal is to produce the most well-educated and civil people on the planet.
In order to combat obesity and improve health, all American food will be subject to government approval. No more fast food, burgers, pizza, fried foods, milkshakes, meat, chicken, candy, chips, crackers, or any of that other junk. No more tobacco or alcohol either. Our goal is to become the healthiest and longest-lived people on earth.
In order to promote religious freedom, all religious symbols in American must have the religious symbols of every other world religion placed right beside them, or they will be in violation of the law. A symbol for atheists will be produced and included in with the religious symbols. Ditto for agnostics, whose quasi-religious symbol will be the question mark.
Animals will no longer be used for food or fur, because that's mean. Animals and people will have equal rights from now forward. The word "pet" will be outlawed. From now on, animals will be known as "differently abled friends." Humans are required to feed all animals that venture onto their property.
The Second Amendment will be repealed. No more guns. We don't believe in violence. No more knives, baseball bats, tire irons, saws, rope, metal, or any other materials that could be used for violence either. All purchases of items will therefore be subject to government approval.
Every person in America will be given a house upon demand.
All inmates of our country's jails and prisons will be released, because we are a compassionate people and believe in second chances.
Above all, we believe in world peace and a non-violent world. We will fight in no more wars, because war hurts children and other living things. If our country is invaded by tyrants, we will surrender immediately and then show the invaders what good people we are. That will illustrate to them the error of their ways. If other countries are invaded by tyrants, I know we used to help you fight those tyrants, but we don't believe in that anymore. We're non-violent now. America wishes you good luck.
Peace and love to all mankind,
P.S. - Once America implements all the above changes, I estimate it will be about a year before America collapses into chaos and ruin, and Americans will all be living like a bunch of Bangladesh wannabees. At that point, any and all input from the G-195 will be greatly appreciated. Peace be with you.
There it is. I think it'a winner. Ooh. I can hardly wait for my Nobel cash prize. Maybe I'll use it to buy an electric golf cart.
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