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All Da King's Men

Night-time Unemployed Ten-Speeders

By Da King Published: July 22, 2009

When I talk to liberals about politics, I always come away thinking they are a few bricks shy of a load. I want to understand them, but logic invariably gets in the way. Maybe it's me. Yesterday, after a cocktail or three, I decided the only way I could ever identify with liberals was to become one, so I quit my job, signed up for food stamps and Medicaid, and started formulating a scam to collect SSI.

I was off to a good start, but still, it didn't seem like enough. Something was missing. Then it hit me. I needed an advocacy group !!! You can't be a self-respecting liberal without a liberal cause. So I formed the Night-time Unemployed Ten-Speeders (NUTS, for short). The NUTS group is founded around a key First Amendment right that all Americans should enjoy - the right to ride our ten-speed bicycles on MetroPark trails in the middle of the night. Currently, this is very difficult and dangerous to do, because the trails are not lighted (no doubt due to the Bush administration not caring about REAL people like us night-time ten-speeders). Also, the MetroParks are closed at night. CLOSED, dude ! What's up with that ? It's fascist. So I contacted the ACLU about filing a lawsuit against Bush and Cheney to get the trails lit up at night (yeah, I know they're out of office, but c'mon, you know it's their fault somehow).

I was eager to put NUTS into action, and the ACLU kept hanging up on me, so I got one of those beer helmets (pictured above), and I duct-taped a flashlight on top so I could see where I was going on the MetroPark trails. Thus, the first NUTS outing was convened. Because I was the only member of the group to date, I made myself the President of NUTS, and last night at 2am, I was off and pedaling on the trails, leaving the Park Ranger behind, cursing in my wake.

It was great !!! I was whizzing around those trails, really enjoying my new First Amendment right, when I came to a sharp left turn in the trail. As I banked into it, a mighty old oak tree stood directly in my path (darn those ACORN's). There was no way I could avoid it. Quicker than I could say 'Buck Fush,' I slammed into the tree and was knocked unconscious.

That's when the dream started. Suffering from head trauma, I had a kind of senseless epiphany. I saw the genius of the liberal view. Obama was brilliant, man ! Not only were single-payer health care and

cap-and-tax cap-and-trade great ideas, but so was big government in general. We needed even more of it ! A lot more. If it is a great idea to get rid of the greedy profiteers in health care, then it followed that we should get rid of those nasty profits EVERYWHERE we found them, man, in order to bring about the perfect utopian society. Let's have the government take over, like, the food industry, so we can have cheaper food. Free food, actually. Let the rich pay for it. It's the compassionate way. Ditto for the clothing industry, and the entire retail industry for that matter. We don't need retailers. They make profits and make things more expensive too. That ain't good for people and other living things. We don't need wholesalers either. That's just more profit, driving up the costs and hurting the people. Let's just have the government run EVERYTHING !!! Why didn't I see it before ? It's wonderful. No more greedy businesses. No more jobs to go to. It'll be awesome ! I'll have so much more time for Night-time Unemployed Ten-Speeding.

Wait a second. There is ONE problem. We will still need somebody to produce things and deliver them to my house (no more mortgages either ! Banks profit from mortgages. They're evil. Free housing for all ! Rock on, liberals !). How do we solve the production and delivery problems ??? Hmmm. Bummer. Wait. I know, we'll get the illegals to do it all. They work cheap. Let them ALL in and have them all work for the government. They'll be grateful to be

slaves happy workers for the rest of us. Oh my God, this is going to be SO sweet ! It would also be nice if the government could take my kids off my hands. We not only need universal government pre-school, but we need universal government babysitting too, from birth. That would free up even more of my time !

Let's calculate. What would be a fair amount of money for the government to send me so I can have a nice life with all my needs provided for ? I think $5,000 per month should do it (that's AFTER my free food, housing, clothing, transportation, etc). That sounds fair. After all, I didn't get to go to Harvard. They owe me. I was oppressed.

Man, I love this dream......

When I came to, I found myself handcuffed, with the Park Ranger and two cops standing over me, laughing. Oh, great. The Nazis were here to harsh my mellow. I tried to explain NUTS to them, and I guess they believed me, sorta. They sent me to the psychiatric wing of a local hospital for observation. Did I mention before that I was only wearing a red Speedo ? It's freedom of expression, my brothers and sisters. Looks like THE MAN was coming down on us liberals AGAIN. Still, we have to fight the power. No justice, no peace.

Hey ! Now that I'm in the hospital with a concussion and getting psychiatric care, that SSI should be a snap. Rock on !



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