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All Da King's Men

Regula-nation: A Land Of The Free Special

By Da King Published: June 6, 2011

A lawless group of thugs known as Orlando Food Not Bombs has been on a crime spree, but the police finally caught up to these scofflaw marauders, arresting three of them on wednesday. Their crime ? Brace yourself, and send the kids out of the room. This ain't pretty. The Orlando Food Not Bombs group was busted for (shiver)...illegally feeding homeless people in a park. Oh, the horror ! The Orlando Sentinel has the details:

Members of Orlando Food Not Bombs were arrested Wednesday when police said they violated a city ordinance by feeding the homeless in Lake Eola Park.

Jessica Cross, 24, Benjamin Markeson, 49, and Jonathan "Keith" McHenry, 54, were arrested at 6:10 p.m. on a charge of violating the ordinance restricting group feedings in public parks. McHenry is a co-founder of the international Food Not Bombs movement, which began in the early 1980s.

The group lost a court battle in April, clearing the way for the city to enforce the ordinance. It requires groups to obtain a permit and limits each group to two permits per year for each park within a 2-mile radius of City Hall.

Arrest papers state that Cross, Markeson and McHenry helped feed 40 people Wednesday night. The ordinance applies to feedings of more than 25 people.

"They intentionally violated the statute," said Lt. Barbara Jones, an Orlando police spokeswoman.

Hmmm. I never realized feeding people was a crime. I stand corrected.

Here's a response from imaginary Florida bureaucrat Buford T. Fencepost, the man in charge of Orlando's Keep The Homeless Off The Streets, Out Of The Parks, And Out Of Our Damn Sight program. "Serves them damn homeless feedin' sob's right, by crackey. Who do they think they are, goin' 'round feedin' the homeless without proper licensin' from the state ??? Shoot, without the state licensin', regulatin', and controllin' ever-thang, why, thangs would jes' run amok. Why, if we didn't have us no licensin', regulatin', and controllin', folks would be runnin' 'round the park doin' all kinds of unlicensed, unregulated, uncontrolled thangs ! Pure ka-os, I tell ya. Pure ka-os".

To prevent this illegal feeding behavior from recurring in the future, Mr. Fencepost has proposed building a city zoo for the homeless, where people could throw peanuts and candy bars at them. The homeless would, of course, be walled off from the general public in the homeless zoo, for purposes of safety. The estimated cost to taxpayers to build the homeless zoo - $47 million. "It's win-win" posited Fencepost.
If Senate Bill 978 gets passed, yours truly will become a felon. The regula-nators could put me in the pokey for 5 years because I...copy 20 second video clips from YouTube and put them on my blog.. SB978 would make embedding internet videos a copyright infringement. Since I've done this at least 100 times, I suppose they could give me five years for each offense and throw me in the hoosegow for 500 years. John Dillinger ain't got nuthin' on me. If any of you notice a 5-500 year gap between my posts, that's one possible reason. SB978 is sponsored by Senate busybodies Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), Christoper Coons (D-DE), and John Cornyn (R-TX). Who knew Congress cared so much about people like little old me posting videos of Harry Reid's lies and Nancy Pelosi's ignorance ? I view the internet as being the most free remaining sector of American society. No wonder the government hates it.

Aw, what the heck do I care. I'm sure the Lady Gaga tribute band I'm putting together is illegal too (though I look pretty good dressed in meat, if I do say so myself) :-)

Whether I'm illegally feeding people without a license, or illegally playing someone else's music on my guitar, or illegally copying YouTube videos to my blog, or illegally not wearing my seat belt, or illegally smoking a cigarette in my neighborhood bar, or illegally playing poker with my friends, or illegally taping a movie on HBO, or illegally driving 60mph in a 55mph zone, or illegally driving my car without that stupid little sticker (I already paid for a license plate, thank you), or illegally fishing without paying tribute to the government first, or illegally building a fire in my backyard, or illegally trying to smuggle a bottle of shampoo onto an airplane, or illegally skateboarding down the street at 3am in my underwear singing God Bless America (alright, that one might have been over the line), I'm constantly breaking the law in some way or another. I don't mean to (usually). It's just so hard not to. I mean, I'm probably breaking a law right now, like maybe some f*cking obscenity law or something. Who knows ? There are so many laws that's it's almost impossible NOT to break them. I probably break a law every single day without even realizing it. I have a theory that eventually everything will be illegal, and it will only be a matter of whether or not the government feels like prosecuting you. I don't think we need Congress to pass many new laws. I think we need an anti-Congress to start repealing existing ones.

But until then, whatever you do, don't go around feeding groups of hungry people, especially not the homeless ones. At least not without paying the government first. If memory serves, I believe Jesus of Nazareth was the first man to come out publicly against the unlicensed feeding of the hungry, though I admit my memory ain't what it used to be. My head is filled with trying to remember to comply with all the petty and needless regulations, like a good little sheep. Which reminds me, I have to get all those years of back tax records to my accountant. Gotta run.



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