Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone !
Time for some Irish jokes. Because I'm a good Catholic boy, and 1/4th Irish, these jokes will be clean.
An Irishman was walking through a graveyard, when he saw a headstone with the inscription, 'Here Lies A Politician And An Honest Man'.
"Faith and Begorrah", exclaimed the Irishman. "I wonder how they fit the two of them in the same coffin ?".
"Seamus, why don't you give up the drinking, smoking and carousing?' asked Mrs O'Leary.
'It's too late,' replied Seamus.
'It's never too late,' assured the virtuous Mrs O'Leary.
'Well, there's no rush then,' smiled Seamus.
Two Irishmen, Pat and Murphy, saw a sign saying "Tree fellers wanted".
Murphy said to Pat, 'If only Seamus had been with us, we'd have got that job.' [wait for it...]
David and Peter, two English men, are walking along O'Connell Street in Dublin, when they see a sign in a shop window: Suits £15.00, shirts £2.00, trousers £2.50.
Peter says to Dave, 'Look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and, when we get back to England we could make a fortune. When we go into the shop don't say anything, let me do all the talking, because if they hear our accent they might not serve us, so I'll speak in my best Irish accent.'
They go in, and Peter orders 50 suits at £15.00, 100 shirts at £2.00, and 50 trousers at £2.50.
The owner of the shop says, 'You're English, aren't you?'
Peter replies 'Oh bother... Yes, how on earth did you know that?'
The owner says, 'Because this is a dry cleaners...'
This next bit of humor came from Kimberly Driscoll, the mayor of Salem, Massachusetts:
"Ted Kennedy and John Kerry are endorsing Barack Obama. They've been in Washington D.C. how long ? 68-years they've been in Washington between the two of them - 68 years. Two long serving Senators - who would have thought they were hankering for change all these years - I mean really... change? The only person who can look at Ted Kennedy and see change is Robert Byrd.”
Here's one from our Irish-Catholic Vice President, Joe Biden (or Joe "O'Biden", as Sarah Palin allegedly called him, according to that left-wing smear-a-thon on HBO, Game Change):
"You all know St. Patrick is credited with banishing snakes from Ireland. But you guys know the truth, sometimes. There were never any snakes in Ireland. St. Patrick just made that up. Which explains why he's the patron saint of FOX News."
A Irishman dies, and he’s looking in the gates of hell.
There he sees John F. Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, “Well, John has done some bad things in his life and that’s his punishment.”
The man looks around a little more and sees Bill Clinton with a beautiful model. The stunned guy asks, “What’s Bill Clinton doing with that model?” The devil replies, “Well, that model did some pretty bad things in her life.”
I asked six year old Katie Flanagan what she wanted to be when she grew up. She replied, "I want to be President!"
Her parents, both liberal Democrats, were standing there, so then I asked her, "If you were President, what's the first thing you would do?"
Little Katie replied, "I'd feed all the homeless people."
"Wow - what a worthy goal", I told her, "but you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where this homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use for food."
Being only six, she thought that over for a few seconds. With her parents glaring at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
"Welcome to the Republican Party", I said.
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.
On one side, you have a lawyer who is married to another lawyer.
On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman who owns a beer distributorship.
Easiest decision ever, and you yanks got it wrong.
These last bits of wisdom aren't Irish, but I'm going to throw them in anyway, because I can (though I can't say for certain that all these quotes are accurately attributed).
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... but then I repeat myself". - Mark Twain
"I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle". - Winston Churchill
"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw
"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man ....which debt he proposes to pay off with your money". - G. Gordon Liddy
"Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner". - James Bovard
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys". - P.J. O'Rourke
"Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else". - Frederic Bastiat
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it". - Ronald Reagan
"The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery". - Winston Churchill
"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have". - Thomas Jefferson
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