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Stimulus Creates Gazillion Jobs, Caps Oil Leak

By Da King Published: July 16, 2010

Word is,

BP Obama has capped the oil well and the Gulf oil leak has stopped. Let's all pray that is true. It may have taken BP Obama 86 days to do it, but better late than never. Way to go, BP Obama. And damn Dubya for causing the leak in the first place.

I'd also like to congratulate President Obama for passing the $862 billion stimulus package in February 2009. Without it, the oil spill would have been MUCH worse, and we got the added benefit of the stimulus creating 3.5 million jobs, according to the White House's latest

bullshit estimate. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're probably saying to yourself, 'wait a minute. Haven't we actually LOST 2.4 million jobs since the stimulus package passed ?' Yes, we have, but that's only true if you look at the actual job numbers from the Bureau Of Labor Statistics ( and I have it on good authority that there may be a Republican obstructionist or two working over at the BLS, if you catch my drift). The White House has a much better way of counting jobs created ( or saved !) than looking at the actual numbers. They have this thing called the Keynesian economic multiplier calculator, that says for every $1.00 the government spends, GDP grows by $1.50. I'd explain to you why this is true, but it's waaay too made up techinical. Top economic experts at the White House feed the amount of stimulus money spent into the Keynesian thingy, and it spits out the number of jobs that were created ( or saved !). Therefore, you can trust the White House Ministry Of Information far more than your own lying eyes. If that isn't convincing enough, we have President Obama's reassuring 'things could always be worse' speeches. Here's Big Brother in Racine, Wisconsin a couple weeks ago, when the stimulus package had only created ( or saved !) 2.8 million jobs, according to Obama. Just think, it has created ( or saved !) 700,000 more jobs in the last 14-15 days ! Isn't it wonderful ?!?!:

Mr. Obama said recently in Racine, Wisconsin that the economy "would have been a lot worse" and the unemployment rate would have gone to "12 or 13, or 15 [percent]" if government hadn't spent all of that money.

There you go. It "would have been a lot worse." Disprove that, you right-wingers. You can't, and that's the beauty of Obama's rhetoric. It's entirely theoretical. I don't know why Obama doesn't just say unemployment would have been 50% without the stimulus. That would be even more persuasive, especially when he's just pulling numbers out of his ass. What the hell, go the whole nine yards. Oh, btw, at the time Obama made the above statement in Racine, Racine's unemployment rate was 14.2%, falling on the high end of Obama's "a lot worse" category. That's up from Racine's 10.4% unemployment rate in February 2009 when the stimulus package passed, but I'm sure the Keynesian thingy says it's much lower than that, so not to worry. In fact, overall American unemployment was about 7.5% before the stimulus. Now, it's 9.5%, which translates in Obama-ese to the stimulus being a great success.

Having a calculator of my own, a non-Keynesian model, I did a little cipherin' myself. I took the $862 billion in stimulus money and divided it by the imaginary 3.5 million jobs created (or saved !), and that came out to....$246,285.71 spent per job created (or saved !), even if the 3.5 million jobs did exist. Whee-doggies ! Talk about efficient. Wouldn't we have been better off just giving, like, $50,000 to 3.5 million people ? That only would've cost 1/5th the amount of the stimulus package. Then again, if we'd done that, we wouldn't have all those nifty, Obama-praising highway road signs to look at. Check it out:

Cool, eh ? I hear we've only spent between $5-20 million on those babies, and they have that round Obama-like logo and everything. Just one more small example of how the federal government is such a wise caretaker of our taxpayer dollars.

Update - Since I started writing this blog post, I heard the stimulus has now created (or saved !) 3.6 million imaginary jobs. Wow. The news keeps getting better and better. By next week, we could be up to 4 or 5 million, and by, say, early november, it'll probably be a gazillion.

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