It's long past time that I paid tribute to The Onion, America's Finest News Source. Here are some selected news features.
Warning - there may be an odd curse word or ten contained in the material below.
1. A certain President has a teleprompter snafu:
2. December has been named National Awareness Month.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat what organizers are calling "our current epidemic of complete and utter obliviousness," the American Foundation for Paying Attention to Things has declared December "National Awareness Month."
"All across the country, millions of men and women are dangerously unaware," AFPAT spokesperson Karen Teeling said during a press conference Monday. "What's worse, the vast majority of those suffering from this debilitating state of mind don't even know it." MORE
3. American Muslims To Fort Hood Shooter, 'Thanks A Lot, A**hole':
Following Army psychologist Nidal Malik Hasan's shooting rampage on the Fort Hood military base last week...fellow Muslims across the nation sent him a message today, saying "thanks a f*cking bunch, a**hole," to the 39-year-old killer. "Hey, great, eight years of progress right down the sh*tter," MORE
4. Congress Approves $500 Billion For Monument To Human Folly.
WASHINGTON—In recognition of mankind's inherent propensity for tragically foolish decisions, Congress allocated nearly $500 billion Monday for the construction of a new national monument honoring human folly.
"From Hannibal's disastrous crossing of the Alps to Custer's humiliating defeat at Little Bighorn, human history has been plagued by senseless mistakes, and it is high time we built a memorial to honor that history," House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said of the expensive and ill-advised monument. "My deepest hope is that future generations of Americans will one day look upon this pointless edifice and be filled with a sense of awe and wonder at mankind's utter lack of foresight."
"To think of all the ways our time and money could have been better spent," Pelosi continued. "I can imagine no more fitting tribute." MORE
5. Obama's Declaration Of Swine Flu Emergency Prompts Pro-Swine-Flu Republican Response.
WASHINGTON—Claiming that the president was preying on the public's fear of contracting a fatal disease last week when he declared the H1N1 virus a national emergency, Republican leaders announced Wednesday that they were officially endorsing the swine flu. "Thousands of Americans—hardworking ordinary Americans like you and me—already have H1N1," Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele said during a press conference. "Now Obama wants to take that away from us. Ask yourself: Do you want the federal government making these kinds of health care decisions for you and your family?" MORE
6. Obama: Health Care Plan Would Give Seniors Right To Choose How They Are Killed.
WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama held a nationally televised address Tuesday to "clarify any misunderstandings" about his health care proposal, assuring Americans that under the new bill senior citizens—and not the federal government—will have the right to choose how they are executed. The president vows to systematically eliminate all American seniors in a manner of their choosing by 2011.
"Let me dispel these ridiculous rumors once and for all and set the record straight: Under my plan, seniors are going to be killed the way they want to be killed, end of story," said the president, who acknowledged that "wiping out" the nation's elderly population has always been his No. 1 priority. MORE
All Onion News Network stories have been certified to be 100% mostly true by the Arthur Andersen accounting firm.
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