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All Da King's Men

The Persistent Vege-Liberal State

By Da King Published: April 16, 2010

Liberals have an innate sense of entitlement and dependence. We all have it at some point in our lives, but most of us refer to that period as childhood. With liberals, the feeling persists well beyond the wonder years. This isn't surprising, seeing as how most adult liberals still live in their parent's basements, with their sole source of income coming from selling 1/4oz. bags of weed to their XBOX buddies. It's hard to move beyond dependence and into adult responsibility when mom still washes your underwear and prepares your meals for you.

Following high school graduation, which even a chimpanzee could achieve in today's public schools, the more enterprising young liberals get mommy and daddy to spring for a college dorm room, where the liberal exists on Captain Crunch, Little Caesar's Pizza, Cool Ranch Doritos, and Old Milwaukee for four years straight. Often it's six years straight. It's during this time period, when the young liberal mistakenly believes he's living "on his own," that the liberal realizes his parents, who worked their entire lives in order to pay for the his college education, are complete idiots. This realization generally manifests itself when the liberal takes an elective course called something like Marxism Misunderstood, taught by a bearded, sandal-wearing, tenured professor who also lives in his parent's basement.

After his four-to-six year university indoctrination, the idealistic liberal emerges into the real world, full of what he mistakenly believes to be wisdom, armed with a degree in Philosophy from Berkeley. Shocked that none of the big philosophy companies are hiring, the liberal returns to the basement in despair, but eventually lands a half-decent job selling Prius's at the local Toyota dealership.

Shortly thereafter, something happens that rocks the liberal's world to the core. He receives his first paycheck, and discovers that 1/3rd of his wages have been confiscated right off the top !?!?!!. There are deductions for federal income tax, state income tax, local income tax, FICA tax (what the heck is THAT ?), Medicare tax, health insurance deductions, 401K deductions..........the liberal doesn't have nearly as much money left as he had planned, and now he can't afford Grand Theft Auto III, because his lousy parents started charging him rent, the nazis. What kind of racket is this ? is the liberal's first thought. This is when the liberal must make a major life decision. He's at a crossroads. He must either a) admit he doesn't know squat about how the world really works, thus discarding his previous childish fantasies, or b) enter the persistent vege-liberal state and convince his parents to pay for graduate school.

In graduate school, the persistent vege-liberal puts the lessons learned during his two grueling weeks in the workforce to good use. He knows he must get a real job eventually, as distasteful as the notion is, so he reviews his options. The primary goal is to avoid as much responsibility as possible while still earning a living. He could become a tenured professor of marxism like his mentor. He likes the word "tenured," which means you can't be fired no matter how inept you are. That's a big plus. He'd also get to piss-and-moan about America a lot as a college professor, another bonus. The liberal thinks about other piss-and-moan-oriented professions he could enter. He could become a newspaper columnist, or a community organizer. They get to piss-and-moan all day every day, and aren't ever held responsible for their actions. Or, he could shoot for a career in politics and never have to be responsible again. The only requirement there seems to be the ability to talk at length without actually saying anything, and the liberal already knows the talking points. He doesn't know if any of them are the least bit true or not, but that doesn't matter. The only important thing is that he knows them and can repeat them without even thinking. Another popular area for persistent vege-liberals is in the pure fantasy professions, such as acting, art, or a nighttime talk show on MSNBC.

The critical element to being a persistent vege-liberal is...logic and reason don't enter into the equation. Instead, it's only about emotion and political correctness. It's about what feels good. Abandoning logic and reason does come with a price, of course, and that price is the loss of a firm grip on reality. The persistent vege-liberal lives in a state of delusion. That's why when the persistent vege-liberal hears a non-liberal say something like "I disagree with President Obama on Cap-And Trade," the vege-liberal hears "I'm a white supremacist who wants to rape planet earth so Exxon can make obscene profits." The persistent vege-liberal doesn't hear much of anything as presented on it's face, so it's almost impossible to enter into rational discourse with him. The vege-liberal sees nothing but code words and unspoken subtext. That's why the vege-liberal whips up so many elaborate conspiracy theories to distort the plain facts. For example, if a non-liberal says "I agree with the Tea Party movement. Government spending is out of control," the vege-liberal hears "I'm Timothy McVeigh, and I want to blow up the IRS." Using logic to argue with such a person is a hopeless endeavor. Recommending a good therapist is a better course of action.

If you are wondering whether you are a persistent vege-liberal, there's a simple way to make the determination. If you think this post was at least kind of humorous, you're safe. But if you think ohio.com should be condemned for giving a mean-spirited jerk like me the opportunity to write this abhorrent slanderous trash, or think this borders on being beyond the bounds of acceptable free speech....congratulations, you've achieved the persistent vege-liberal state. Drop me a line if you need a recommendation for a good therapist.

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