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It has been quite a ride for Barack Hussein Obama. In addition to becoming the first Kenyan-born American President after stealing the 2008 Democratic primary from Hillary Clinton and having ACORN fix the general election in a dozen states, Obama won the prestidigitous Nobel Peace Prize for saying "Hopey" stuff to foreigners. (This just in - Peace Prize winner Obama authorized a drone attack in Pakistan, killing four people). What has not been so widely reported are a number of other awards our wunderkind President has received. In a worldwide scoop of imaginary proportions, All Da King's Men takes pleasure in reporting the following:
For playing in pickup basketball games, Obama has won the NBA Most Valuable Player award. For appearing on television, Obama has been awarded an Emmy for Best Dramatic Actor, and also for the new Best Teleprompter Performance category. For throwing out the first pitch at a baseball game, Obama has been awarded the MLB Cy Young award (in the special 'throws like a girl' division). For going to Copenhagen to speak to the Olympic Committee on behalf of Chicago, Obama has been awarded the Gold Medal in the high hurdles. Obama has also been named Dog Owner of the Year by the American Kennel Club, Best Dressed Man by GQ, Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine, Time Magazine Man of the Century, and Best Person In The World by Keith Olbermann for a record 492 days in a row. Obama was also named the Businessman Of The Year by Moveon.org for "saving" 375 million American jobs with his stimulus package, though 3 million American jobs were actually lost overall. Kudos to Mr. Obama, whose rallying cry of "it could have been even worse" has brought untold comfort to so many of the unemployed.
Inexplicably, President Obama did NOT win the Oscar for Best Actor In A Motion Picture, sparking immediate complaints of bias from the mainstream media. The Justice Department is investigating possible ballot box stuffing by Fox News after Glenn Beck's underdog victory against the heavily favored Obama. A vast, right wing conspiracy is suspected. MSNBC talker Chis Matthews attributed this "unparalleled slap in the face" to racism and the "de facto leader of the Republican party," Rush Limbaugh. Matthews' call to kill Limbaugh by exploding a CO2 canister inside Limbaugh's head was widely endorsed in liberal circles, due to Limbaugh's tendency to engage in rhetoric that, according to liberals, "contains veiled code words that incite violence." No Limbaugh-related violence has yet taken place during the radio talker's 21-year career, but media pundits expect the lid to blow of that simmering cauldron of rage any day now. The media also added that Limbaugh was a fat racist drug addict, could stick his NFL bid up his blowhole, and called for an immediate end to his divisive rhetoric.
In related news, former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin was named Wingnut of the Year, Worst Mother of the Year, and Complete and Total B*tch of the Year by Soros-affiliate Media Matters, who called for an immediate end to her divisive rhetoric.
Former President George W. Bush was named Nazi of the Decade for overthrowing the Taliban and Saddam Hussein, thereby freeing 55 million people from tyranny. Bush also won the Unilateral Cowboy Yahoo award for invading Iraq along with 33 other countries and the authorization of the United States Congress. President Bush was unavailable for comment, but former Veep Dick Cheney unleashed a string of profanity when asked about the ignominious awards by non-partisan investigative journalist Janeane Garofalo, who queried "who is the biggest Nazi, you or Dubya ?". Garofalo was treated for birdshot wounds later at a local hospital.
The Nobel Prize for Economics went to independent filmmaker Michael Moore, who developed the brand new economic theory that "the alternative to capitalism is democracy." This groundbreaking theory is so deep and profound that nobody can figure out what the heck Mr. Moore is talking about, being that capitalism is an economic system, and democracy is a system of government. And here I always thought the alternative to capitalism was the House Of Representatives. Darn. Mr. Moore has bonafide credentials as a high school graduate and is a workingman's hero, having worked at a General Motors plant for one day (not kidding). Then he filed for workmens's compensation and SSI. He's the real deal. Fellow Nobel laureate economist Paul Krugman of the New York Times, who won the award for his "liberals are smarter than you" economic theory, said Michael Moore was deserving of the Nobel prize, unlike those hacks Milton Friedman and Adam Smith, who believed in some shadowy concept known as the stupid free market.
The White House has decided to wage war against Fox News (but is still trying to decide if the Taliban is the enemy), and named it the Most Irritating News Network Of The Year. White House spokesman Robert Gibbs declared "Fox News keeps saying stuff we don't like. That must stop, or we'll launch a drone attack against them. They're jihadists". When reached for comment, rival cable news network MSNBC asserted, "nyah, nyah, na, na, na". MSNBC's Keith Olbermann is expected to deliver an hour-long, emotive, and heartfelt special comment about Fox called "Fixed Noise Is Satan, But Far Worse, And I Should Know, I'm Kind Of An Ivy Leaguer," though only six people will actually see Keith Olbermann's program. Fellow MSNBC'er Rachel Maddow insists that Olbermann's histrionics are very important and not to be missed (and she said it with her serious face, so she really means it).
Winner of Hollywood's Favorite Pedophile Of The Year is acclaimed filmmaker/convicted child rapist Roman Polanski, who, upon hearing of his honor, said, "Guilty as hell, free as a bird." No, wait. That's what William Ayers said after he got off on domestic terrorism charges on a technicality. Polanski said "Guilty as hell, free as a JAIL bird". Polanski remains in the pokey, even though celeb-o-crat Whoopi Goldberg claims that Polanski didn't commit "rape rape." No, it was more like pretend rape, but still with the rape part. It's nuanced.
In an effort to remake the tragically unhip GOP maxi-zoomed dweebies into a bunch of super-cool hep cats, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele has won the Welcome To This Century award for discovering....blogging [golf clap]. Steele's blog is called Change The Game, winning out over his other possible blog name choices, such as, "Don't Be A GOP Playa Hater," "A Steele In The Hand Is Worth Two Of Bush," "The GOP Is Dyn-O-Mite !," and my personal favorite, "Repub-We-Can !". No word yet on who will be replacing Michael Steele as RNC chairman.