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A Very Special ''Beacon TV''

By RD Heldenfels Published: November 18, 2005

I recently put my 200th post on this blog. I didn't pay much attention to it at the time. But I should have. If my blog was a TV show, 200 posts would be a TV event.


If I had paid proper attention to my blog, the 200th post would be a Very Special Beacon TV. I might have offered highlights of previous posts, and sit on my couch with the other members of the Beacon TV cast to talk about it. We would agree that we're like a family -- ''a dysfunctional family!'' someone would quip -- but that we really cherish working together, and  that we spend a lot of time hanging out off-blog. The network has always been very supportive, even in the tough times, we would say. The vision of the show is strong. We're doing our best work.


I could also have outtakes from the blog -- basically some really bad ideas that I started and never finished. There could even be bloopers, most of which would involve my inept attempts at pasting in network press releases and linking to other sites. For instance, I wasted a bunch of time today because I kept clicking on an ''envelope'' logo -- for e-mail -- instead of a ''chain link'' logo -- to link to another site.


Wouldn't that be a great moment for my special? Or I could save it for an extra on the ''Beacon TV'' DVD.


Some of the clips would have to go with my interview on my network's morning show. The two-hour primetime news-magazine tribute will wait until the night of my very last Beacon TV post, and I'm not ready to leave the network yet.


On the other hand, I might get some prime time on cable. James Lipton could have me on ''Inside the Actors Studio.'' He would have done some amazing research about me. I would look impressed and a tad embarrassed, but would remember that he introduced me as ''not merely someone whose place in the blogging pantheon has long been assured, but one who has turned the ether of the Internet in the ambrosia of literature.''


Anyway, back on the morning show, the host would giggle at my every joke and urge people to check out my Very Special Beacon TV. Sort of like being on E! just after I won something. The host would sound very sincere, too, and no one would ever, ever think that it was all a big sham set up just because we were on the same network. News is news, right? The show would have me on because my 200th blog is a watershed event, not simply as marketing. Right?


But the buildup to the 200th episode would be worth it. I would have decided not to do the clip show (which will work much better as the hour-long special before my extended-edition Beacon TV finale, which I haven't announced yet). Instead, I would make the 200th post ''a Beacon TV unlike any you have ever seen before.''


-- Someone would die unexpectedly (except to all the people who had found out and posted it on a message board).


--  Or I would announce that I was leaving Beacon TV to join the world tennis tour, only to be brought back at episode's end when I realized that Beacon TV was the best home I had ever had.


-- Or another cast member would be desperately ill, and -- in an Emmy-nominated moment -- I would cry and pray for my co-star's recovery, and the audience would cheer when she came out of her coma.


-- Or I'd just bare my soul, and my butt.


All this would be even better because I would have timed my 200th post for sweeps. Great promo opportunity. Not that I would do this just to bring more people to Beacon TV. I would be pushing the envelope, expanding my range, stretching my acting, proving my chops, taking a risk and pursuing my art. It's too bad I missed my chance.


Maybe for the 300th post...


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