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Advice for Britney

By RD Heldenfels Published: September 13, 2006

While she was pregnant with her now-born second child, Ms. Spears told People magazine that  "it just kind of happened. ... I'm going to wait a while for the next (one)! I feel like I've been pregnant for 10 years!" Since she obviously needs a lot of help from people who use all their available brain power, I've made a short list of ways she can avoid getting pregnant too soon. And none requires her to operate a motor vehicle or travel back in time.

1. Abstinence. No, Britney, not the drink. Drinking may be one reason you got pregnant so fast. Abstinence. A-B-S. ... Oh, just keep it zipped.

2. A new song to hum around the house: ''I'm Not a Girl, I Am Now a Woman, And The Skin Doesn't Snap Back the Way It Used To.''

3. Tell Kevin that he's only allowed two kids per woman and it's time to impregnate someone else.

4. Hey, Kevin, you know those flesh-colored balloons you fill with water to drop out of hotel-room windows? They have another use!

5. ''Lose Control? No, Birth Control!''

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