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Marla Ridenour on Sports

Browns fan offers some laughs

By Marla Published: January 6, 2011

Another 5-11 season wore on Tom Johnson of Fairlawn, a Browns season ticket holder since 1979. Johnson's tongue-in-cheek email will resonate with those wondering when the Browns will make their first playoff appearance since 2002.

Here's his message. Don't miss my personal favorite, No. 5.:

I have searched the Cleveland Browns web site for a job posting I am sure should exist, but I can’t find it. If you would forward this to Mike Holmgren or Tom Heckert, I would appreciate it.

I am applying for Director of Fan Consciousness. As a season ticket holder for around 30 years, I think I am very well qualified. I would like to put forth the following short list as an example of my personal business plan for the Cleveland Browns in an effort to help make them a playoff team in 2011.

1)       If the Browns are 5-10 in 2011 and down 14-0 in the final game and have 4th and less than 2 yards for a touchdown, do not kick a field goal. If your coach does this Mr. Holmgren, or if you are the coach and you do this, fire them or fire yourself. Do not wait for the game to end -- do it right then. For that matter, if it is 4th and 30, don’t kick a field goal … enough is enough.

2)       Never throw another pass to Robert Royal. At best a perfect pass has less than a 30 percent chance of being caught. Give your QB better odds than that, even if you have to call a tackle eligible and throw to Joe Thomas.

3)       Do not throw a 3-yard underneath route to Chansi Stuckey if you need 4 yards. He couldn’t break the tackle of an eighth grader.

4)       Do not trade your best, and only, backup running back (Jerome Harrison) for Mike Bell. Really, Mike Bell? It is a 16-game season and you need more than one running back, but you don’t need Mike Bell.

5)       Do not pretend to run a wildcat offense if the only play is to fake a handoff right and run left. Even with 4 good toes Josh Cribbs is going nowhere.

6)       Don’t go into the draft looking for quality people and nice young men. Go get at least one bad (bleep) linebacker who might someday make a play in the opponent's backfield. A defensive lineman with an attitude would be welcome as well.

7)       Get Colt McCoy someone who can run past defensive backs and let him throw it way down field. If for no other reason it will allow Peyton Hillis to rest and we won’t have to worry about another meaningless play to Chansi Stuckey or Robert Royal.

 Is it really this hard or does the leadership of the Browns not watch the same games we do? This is a necessary job and I am more than willing to take on the responsibility.

 Thanks for your help.

 Tom Johnson

Browns Season Ticket Holder since 1979

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