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He Stayed Resolute To The End

By The Reverend Published: January 13, 2009

Yesterday Schrub had his final press conference.

He stayed resolute.

Make any mistakes George? Anything, upon reflection, you would have done differently?

"Clearly putting a "Mission Accomplished" on a aircraft carrier was a mistake. It sent the wrong message. We were trying to say something differently, but nevertheless, it conveyed a different message."

Reverend translation...

'Yeah, that banner. Don't know how in the hell that got up there. But it sure sent the "wrong message". I don't know how this stuff gets so misconstrued. The furthest thing from my mind that Day of Codpiece was conveying a "message" that our mission in Iraq was , you know, accomplished. That's why I said that day....'

"My fellow Americans," Bush intoned May 1, 2003. "Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed." Link

Continuing Reverend translation....

'Is it my fault that when I said "the United States and our allies have prevailed", viewers and media confused what I said with a great big, hard to miss, banner that said "Mission Accomplished"? I don't think anyone could have predicted that critics would make a connection between "prevailed" and "mission accomplished." But with my critics, it's easy to misunderestimate.'

He stayed resolute.

Perhaps, Mr. Decider, your response to Katrina could have been different?

"I've thought long and hard about Katrina -- you know, could I have done something differently, like land Air Force One either in New Orleans or Baton Rouge. The problem with that and -- is that law enforcement would have been pulled away from the mission. And then your questions, I suspect, would have been, how could you possibly have flown Air Force One into Baton Rouge, and police officers that were needed to expedite traffic out of New Orleans were taken off the task to look after you?"

The Reverend's translation...

'See...Katrina was a political moment for my administration. An opportunity. I decided, with help from my trusty sidekick 'TurdBlossom', that a photo-op-flyover picture would make Americans think I cared much more than if I would have chosen a photo-op, on-the-scene picture. Why? Because you media types would have accused me of pulling law enforcement away from their emergency duties in order to, you know, protect me., no regrets for choosing the proper photo-op that day.'

He stayed resolute.

What now, Mr. Decider Codpiece? As focused and as resolute a Decider as you've obviously been over the last 8 years in successfully keeping us all safe, how will you be able to just lay all that great work aside? Will it be difficult for you to take off the Codpiece once and for all?

"For the last eight years I've had a national security briefing every day but Sunday. And when you get a national security briefing, it is a reminder of the responsibilities of the job. It's just a daily reminder about what may or may not happen.

The interesting thing about this job, by the way, is it's one thing to deal with the expected, what you anticipate; the real challenge is to be in a position to deal with the unexpected. And that's why those intel briefings are so important, because there is -- there's an awareness in the briefings by the analyst to try to help anticipate problems. And of course you hope they don't arise, but you better be prepared when they do.

And that in itself creates a -- you know, gets your attention, when you start thinking about what could happen. And the key there, of course, is that -- to take these different analyses seriously, and then have a structure so that your team will be in a position to analyze and then lay out potential avenues for the President -- from which the President can choose.

I say all that because that's -- this has been -- this notion about being briefed and thinking about this issue or that issue has been just a part of my life for eight years. People say, well, there you are in Crawford on vacation. You never escape the presidency. It travels with you everywhere you go. And there's not a moment where you don't think about being President -- unless you're riding mountain bikes as hard as you possibly can, trying to forget for the moment."


'I've been so busy being hyper-attentive to all those daily intelligence briefings, you remember, like the one I anaylzed so deeply in August,, yes, it will be a big change not receiving, and then ignoring, those briefings. Those daily briefings became second nature for me, in fact, they became, over time, a daily reminder of the responsibilities I resolutely shirked. A president simply can't escape from those damn daily intelligence briefings. Every day when I was briefed, I was reminded of how I ignored "analysis....anticipating problems" about being hit by Bin Laden. I'll really be glad to get away from those daily reminders. And no, my answer does not, in any way, reflect my guilty conscience.'

Resolute President Prick stayed resolute to the end. What else could possibly matter?



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