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Blog of Mass Destruction

How To Successfully Investigate Yourself

By The Reverend Published: March 29, 2014

I think I'm going to launch an investigation to find out who is the best blogger in the world. I want the truth to finally come out. The People deserve as much.

In the investigation I will launch I will appoint my wife to lead the investigation. Why? Because nothing is more important to me, and the People, than having an objective investigation free from bias or conflict of interest.

The Mrs. will limit her investigation to interviewing me (off the record of course) and a number of my family members. The interviews and questions will be thorough....I will later call them "exhaustive."

When the Mrs. comes back and announces the results of the investigation.....surprise....The Reverend is found to be the best blogger in the world.....I will immediately sit down with local media "reporters" to announce the results of my "independent" investigation. I will speak to reporters very Seriously about the clear findings of the report I launched for the sake of the People.

Those reporters will then publish articles with opening lines like.... "The Reverend is baaaack." When asked in a followup press briefing whether my "investigation" was truly reliable because only family members were interviewed.....I quickly respond.... "excuse me, excuse me" ..... "the premise of the question is so infirm I'm not going to answer it."

The next day, Very Serious media writers will come up with headlines like these...."The Reverend, Bouncing Back, Refuses To Play Dodgeball With Reporters." ....."The Reverend Fighting Back"

Ridiculous? Of course.

But I would argue that my ridiculous hypothetical is no more ridiculous than what has transpired over the last 48 hours in the Chris Christie "Bridgegate" saga.

Chris Christie hired one of his colleagues, Randy Mastro, to head up an investigation into....well....something....concerning the George Washington Bridge lane closings. Astonishingly, or not, Mastro didn't interview anyone who actually knew anything about the lane closings. Mastro (who likes to pretend he is Tom Cruise's character in "A Few Good Men") concluded his "investigation" with a press event where he totally exonerated the Governor of any knowledge of the wrongdoing.

As the purely, pre-emptive, political choreography played out.....the New Jersey Republican governor....in what had to have been random coincidence....sat down with ABC's Diane Sawyer to boast about the results of Mastro's investigation.

But even when a governor has tax payers pony up $1million+ for his own close colleague to investigate him....even when that investigation exonerates that governor of all wrong doing.....even when that governor works overtime to choreograph the media announcements of that investigation.....that Serious governor still comes across as a lying and manipulative buffoon.

Sawyer: "David Wildstein has said that at a 9/11 event, he talked to you about traffic. It's a little ambiguous exactly why."

Christie: "Did he? I don't have any recollection of that, Diane. David is one of hundreds of people I spoke to that day.

We sit around and spoke briefly that day. I don't have any recollection of him saying anything. But I'll tell you this, I'll tell you what he didn't say.

He didn't say, by the way, governor, I'm closing down some lanes on the George Washington bridge to stick it to the mayor. Is that okay? That, I'd remember."

If Christie had no "recollection" of Wildstein mentioning the lane closures to him on 9-11-2013...the third day of the four day traffic snarling.....further, if the governor had no "recollection of Wildstein "saying anything" that day.....how could Christie be so sure of what Wildstein "didn't say?"

Christie....back on the bullying trail or not....is simply not credible.

But there is one more aspect of this Christie story that I've been mulling over. Other than the bullying and mean-spiritedness, what is it about Christie that the Establishment Players find so attractive? What is it about this unattractive, obese and obnoxious man which makes the Morning Blow team's hearts flutter?

It is only my opinion....but I think it's the corruption. Others may call it "pay-to-play" or even "mutual back-scratching".....but I prefer to call it what it is.....corruption. Villagers, Corporate Establishment Players want a Leader who can get stuff done....and if it takes threatening political opponents, bribing them, or actually punishing them, all the better.

I offer this because the one recurring theme in all of the evidence thus far presented concerning Christie's tenure as New Jersey governor is his reward/punishment method of governance. If Democrats refused to go along with what Christie wanted, then they would be punished accordingly. If Democrats cooperated with Christie then they would be rewarded accordingly.

That methodology explains why New Jersey Democrats failed to support their own party's candidate for governor last fall. That methodology explains why Mayor Dawn Zimmer kept a journal of the governor's Attorney General attempting to bribe her over Sandy funds....but was fearful of coming forward until the Bridgegate scandal broke.

And that is the methodology of governing that corporate Villagers most admire. Bully-talk, obnoxious answers to unwanted questions, and a willingness to reward political opponents who passively submit to authoritarian Leaders while punishing political opponents who don't toe the line.

That is why, despite all the inconsistencies and choreography surrounding Chris Christie's Keystone Kops-approach to his own internal "investigation".....corporate media quickly announced...and with effervescent pride....that one of the most corrupt governors in America today....."is back."

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