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Blog of Mass Destruction

Taking Inventory

By The Reverend Published: January 7, 2009

Ever work someplace where you had to take inventory periodically? Methods of taking inventory have changed dramatically over the last 30 years with the explosion of digital communications....but back in the day, I did it the old fashioned way....hand counting and tallying on a clipboard. One aspect of taking inventory, however, will never change. The purpose. The purpose of taking inventory is to get an accurate count of where a company currently stands.

Let's take inventory of America, shall we?

What products are proudly displayed on the shelves in American government 'stores' now that are basically new products, even though they have always been available, you know, out the back door?

1) America now offers a 'new and improved formula' of torture cleanser. When a spot of Judeo-Christian brand righteous indignation gets on our national security clothing, we can torture it out now by applying the newly patented formula of 'interrogation techniques'. Sold by our media salespeople under both "harsh" and "enhanced" labels, the torture cleanser doesn't actually work well, as many experts agree, but it does a helluva clean-up job on those pesky vengeance spots occasionally found on our collective consciences.

Although often found in the contents of 'blackbag' operators throughout our god-ordained government's history, I can't remember ever seeing torture wrapped in such attractive and patriotic media packaging before. I can't remember our Great and Serious Leader Salesforce ever boldly placing this up-til-now prohibited product in front window displays before.

Jot it down on your clipboard. Torture is now one of America's new products. Sure, we've hired some new salespeople recently, touting that our new torture product is a bit defective, but what could Inexperienced, Unserious, Newbees know about the wide array of benefits flowing from new product branding? That's right....not much. The 'proof' that our new torture product has staying power is that America hasn't been attacked since 9-11....well....except for the anthrax attacks....and those obviously don't count....simply an aberration in the data.

2) Sometimes, while taking inventory, one notices an outdated product resurrected under a new name. Take retro-jeans, for example. Back in the silly, silly days of protesting flagrant civil rights inequalities and wars waged for the sake of military-industrialists, young American men took to wearing old jeans with holes in them. Now we can simply buy them that way.

Spying, unconstitutionally, on Americans has become like retro-jeans. It's all the rage. Back in the days following Richard Nixon's police-state captivity of Americans, the silly, silly Church Committee led to the retro-product, nostalgically known as the FISA laws. Meant to address the epidemic of Nixon-inspired 4th amendment violations regarding search and seizure, as well as the use of the NSA and CIA against political critics, FISA law products were used successfully, and without objections, by both Republican and Democratic CEO salesmen for 3 decades.

But after 9-11, everything changed. A brand new product, though sold as a retro, was introduced in 2001. No longer, we were told in 2001, need we be afraid of rogue presidents ordering unlawful activities. No longer need we fear the NSA or CIA violating our constitutional rights. We need only fear a stateless, faceless, ragtag group of Muslims armed with primitive, you could call them retro, weapons.

'Unitary executive' decisions were made to vacuum up each and every American's e-mails, financial transactions, and phone calls. All done without FISA warrants...all in direct violation of the Constitution and all done in secrecy. Military members were instructed to infiltrate political groups critical of the 'unitary executive'. Just like during the good-ole' Nixon retro days.

When the extremely-non-patriotic New York Times decided to announce our Glorious New Retro Product of spying on Americans, you know, ahead of schedule....they were rightly villified by Non-Silly, Patriotic Sales Reps. The evidence that this new and improved spying product should be included on our inventory clipboard is the fact that the New York Times whistleblower is being prosecuted for giving up proprietary secrets. More evidence that our bright and shiny new spying product is a big success is the Very, Deeply, Serious Congress' dismissal of the silly, silly idea that the original Nixonian product was defective.

Don't forget to include 'spying on Americans' on your American inventory clipboard.

3) The newest, and most sophisticated, product, found proudly displayed in our largest media-outlet stores, has been ingeniously labeled, 'the minority should rule'. This new product, often heard about from behind the very conservative doors of our Highly Moral and Patriotic national salesforce, was rolled out to rousing success immediately after the Very Unserious American Voters decided to put French-like salespeople in the majority in 2006. Those silly, silly consumers.

The Deeply Serious new minority have patriotically kept us in Iraq, against the wishes of silly, majority voters. This new 'minority rules' product has been ever-so-instrumental in marketing and maintaining our other new inventoried products, numbers 1 and 2 above. What could an Unwashed and Unserious majority know about selling new products that are good for us, anyway?

As the new sales-year begins, I am seeing more and more evidence of 'minority rule' marketing. And rightfully so. Here's but one example. Why should America foolishly stimulate a depressed economy, as the Unqualified Majority suggests, when the Much More Patriotic and Wise Minority, so successful when in majority status, have 41 Seasoned Experts in the senate salesforce whose Patriotic Wisdom and Righteous Record in Sales, is unmatched?

The Minority Should Rule product, The Reverend predicts, will be the new X-Box. Everyone in sales will be astonished at the Patriotic Brilliance of this new product line.

Mark down, Minority Should Rule, on your clipboard. It will be on the shelves for a long time.

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