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Tea Party Alert: Waaambulance Shortage Expected

By The Reverend Published: April 14, 2009

Will there be sufficient numbers of Waaambulances tomorrow?

Rick Santelli (CNBC)....the "average American" millionaire teevee talker who launched a thousand protest parties with a single rant,....never fully appreciated the comedic value he was adding to America's discourse when he lashed out against President Obama so crazily that fateful day.....the day the mighty 'grassroots' shot was heard 'round the world.

I'm here to tell ya'....I appreciate the comedic value. Very much.

To show my appreciation,.....

The FBI is warning that there is a dangerous collateral threat to the nation created by all the "We Don't Like Obama" protest tea parties scheduled for Wednesday in dozens of cities across the country. The warnings, as reported upon every minute but, naturally, not promoted by Fox News, have been attributed to an anticipated high national demand tomorrow for Waaambulances.

Experts have noticed that as gun sales have increased since November last, so too, the demand for Waaambulances. Those who work as first responders have reported a steep increase in the number of Wah-Wah emergency, 911 calls beginning about the same time Barack Obama was elected president. Wah-Wah emergency industry captains, thus far, deny that there is any connection between the election of America's first Muslim-socialist-appeaser as president....and an exponential increase in actual 911 Wah-Wah calls. Others disagree, suggesting that the unionized Wah-Wah emergency captains are known to have a strong socialist-communist bias.

Whatever the cause..... now the threat has apparently become so dire that Homeland Security's Janet Napolitano, fearing the country may eclipse disastrous Peak-Whine levels, has raised the national Waaambulance alert level to fire-engine red...High Whine. Anticipating a crippling shortage of Waaambulances on Wednesday, Napolitano has instructed all cities not hosting a Party to send all available emergency-whine personnel and moan-resuscitation equipment, along with their spare Waaambulances, to scheduled Tea Party locations.

All first-Wah-Wah-responders are standing to the ready awaiting the initial chorus of dangerously loud whines expected to rise over the cities hosting the parties. Even non-tea party attendees are being warned that they too may be in danger.

Seismologists, working closely with Miracle-Ear professionals, have predicted that in some cases the collective-whine decibel levels could be so high that they may cause irrepairable hearing damage.....leaving some, even miles away from the parties, with a permanent buzzing-whine noise in their ears. A buzzing-whine noise described by these professionals as being akin to a gaggle of teenagers moaning and bitching about not getting the car keys.

Other unnamed sources believe that the potential threat is greater than first predicted, what with Fox News screecher-anchor people announcing that their whiny voices will now be added to the cacophony of complaining. These sources are instructing anyone within a 40 mile radius of Ground Zero Tea Party (GZTP), to wear Tevlar reinforced head-phones to minimize any unintended collateral damage.

Lesser known unnamed sources have concluded that concerned and fearful citizens should apply visqueen plastic sheathing and duct tape to their windows before Wednesday to help prevent whiny-oscillation-sound-wave breakage. Other reports, from unnamed experts whom no one even knows, are calling on citizens to go down into their basements or stand under an archway during Peak-Whine hours tomorrow.

And it's not just the imminent shortage of Waaambulances that's of great concern to the First-Whine response industry. Big Box drug store auditors are alarmed at the way Smelling Salts products have been flying off the shelves recently, as well as Hand-Wringing skin-protection products.

There's even been reports, unconfirmed as of this blog posting, pointing out that retail inventories of hemorrhoid medication are reaching dangerously low levels. The results of an unscientific drugstore exit-poll, have mysteriously "leaked out", as it were. Those conclusions suggest a recent, and rare, outbreak of the highly contagious, "Sore-Ass Loser Syndrome" (SALS), for which there is no known cure.

Participating Tea Party towns have been instructed to have Election-Grief Counselors standing by at local high school gymnasiums to provide needed shoulders to cry on and requisite fainting couchs. A unique tea-bag blend is being provided to these makeshift whine-shelters to help calm the frayed nerves of any Party Participants seen to be suffering from Peak-Whine Breakdown.

In these trying times, when the nation is at war, with itself, it will take vigilance and perserverance by all Americans if we are to emerge from this imminent threat as a stronger and less whiny nation.

Will America survive this threat? Or will Sore-Ass Loser Syndrome sweep the nation like a plague of ass-knawing locusts turning us all into defenseless Whiny-Ass Titty Babies (WATB)?

We'll know the answer Thursday morning.



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