☰ Menu
Blog of Mass Destruction

The Super Freedom & Democracy Bowl

By The Reverend Published: January 31, 2012

According to Wikipedia, the United States has 413 billionaires. The world's total number is 1210.

The U.S. Supremes have ruled that money equals free speech and that free speech, understood as spending money on political advertisements, cannot be limited by government. That is our new national least until the whole enterprise comes apart at the seams.

New paradigms, built on rational thinking about the first amendment and democracy of, for and by the people...or, you know, not,.....nevertheless create new opportunities.

413 billionaires in the U.S. is way more than our country needs to launch an entirely new process for electing presidents and what not. So, I'm proposing a new a sports league....made up of only billionaires. Money equals free speech is a guaranteed what better way could there be to celebrate how free we are than by having our most successful free speech earners choose not only our presidential candidates every four years, but the president as well?

I think Chief Justice John Roberts would consider such a league the pinnacle of American political freedom.

For those of us who don't have enough free speech in the bank to participate any other way than will be essential to make our new league as entertaining and fun as possible so that the free speech/bank account-impaired stay engaged. This is vitally important because America, by god, is a nation of, by and for the people.

The league should be made up of 16 billionaires....allowing room for expansion of course....with 4 billionaires making up each of four divisions...a northwest, a northeast, a southwest and a southeast division each with four billionaire "teams." The 16 billionaires will be selected, rightfully, by all 413 current billionaires....because....well....they've stored up more free-speech over their lifetimes than the rest of us have ever earned, and would be, therefore, the most qualified.

Once the 16 billionaires were chosen and "team" logos, uniforms, banners, cheerleaders, and network and cable teevee rights proposal would feature a four year long process of elimination. The day after Inauguration Day would mark the beginning of each new season.

Each divisional billionaire league "team" will choose a presidential candidate....all behind closed doors and, naturally, in total secrecy so as not to compromise the greatest example of pure democracy the world has ever known. Once the candidates are selected, each candidate will be matched against another in a series of 800 primetime debate/talent show extravaganzas spread over the 40-odd months between general elections.

The format for these debate/talent shows would be similar to the highly-intellectualized, reality teevee programs that Americans have come to love and cherish so much. Each billionaire candidate, in turn, would choose whether to sing, dance, play an instrument, drink a beer with a handful of the unwashed, recite a poem, scratch his/her ass while pledging allegiance to the flag, challenge another candidate to a live duel on stage....or anything else that would help maximize the democratic-entertainment experience.

The audience would text in their choices after each "debate" night's fun. Texting would only be permitted once per debate night....with the punishment for cheating being a first class, expense paid trip to Guantanamo. DHS officials, not coordinating with the CIA, would oversee security of the voting process.

At the end of the "season" the four billionaire divisional debate leaders...think the Final 4 of NCAA basketball....would draw lots for the playoffs. Single elimination matchups would take up the month of October before the general election with the Super-Freedom-Democracy Bowl scheduled for the first Tuesday of November. What a night that would be.

So glorious would be the American display of freedom and democracy on that night that the roar from the national audiences just might cause the Framers to roll over in their doubt signifying their approval.

Think about all the new jobs and enterprises that could be spun off. The Fantasy President League alone would move billions of dollars and how about the growth in greasy and sugary junk food sales....through the freaking roof.

My proposed league would also eliminate the huge conservative effort necessary now to suppress voting, shorten the voting window, and pass complicated ID laws. In effect making the democracy league more efficient than our current system.

Just think....if my proposed league was fully operational today....we could be

voting texting our choices for either Northeast Corporate Raider Mitt (sponsored fully by a hedge fund to be named later) or Rambler Gambler Newt (sponsored by the Adelson chain of casinos). Mitt could sing a Mormon ode written by one of his three grandmothers (on his father's side) and Newt could mime out, in full blackface, his impression of current President Obama.

I'm talking riveting, must see teevee here.

And really, when you give it some thought as I obviously have, what better way could there be to honor our Founders than to make a total entertainment mockery of the democratic process?



About This Blog

Prev Next