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The Wingnut Wars...Chapter One

By The Reverend Published: March 3, 2009

And it came to pass at the beginning of the 21st century, as determined by the timeline of the Religions of Old, came the Great and Terrible Wingnut Wars of America.

Though prefigured in those mighty Conservative Leaders of the Olden Times, Lord Nixon and Saint Ronald of Hollywood, it wasn't until after the Reign of the Eldest Spawn of Poppy that the Great and Terrible Wingnut Wars of America commenced.

20th century scientific advancements, understood by many as the evil work of the Masters of All Darkness, led to the creation of what was called, the Internets. These Internets were not filled with the Spirit of the Old Religions. The Old Religions relied solely upon Faith and Myth, Sound-bite and Pundit. The Old Religions depended on the Old Technology of the "teevee", the "radio" and the "newspaper" to be the Faithful Stenographers and Distributors of the Myths of Old

But alas....the Internets did not know the Gods of the Old Religions, the Old ways. Instead, they churned daily for Truth. Always searching, always updating, always revealing, never stopping, never done.

And so it came to pass that the Internets begat Bloggers, and Bloggers begat New Media.....and in the fullness of time New Media documented the Great and Terrible Wingnut Wars. And so it is to this day.

Let us now join the Wingnut Wars, already in progress.....

In the fullness of days, Comedian-King Limbaugh of the Old Religions, gave his "first address to the nation" as Anointed Leader of all of the Old Religions. The Comedien-King spoke often of his Great Hope that the New European President of America, President Obama, would fail in his mighty plans to forsake the Old Religions. This New European President of America, said Comedien-King, was a Blasphemer for depicting the Old Religions as "failed" and "bankrupt."

Tony Perkins, Leader of the Even Older Religions, assured his band of Warriors that "Comedien-King is more in touch with the base of the Old Religions than most Old Religion Leaders."

Patrick Buchanan, a highly-decorated, 4 star Wingnut Wars General, explained who is on each side in the lead up to "going to war" against the New European President of America. General Pat said that Comedien-King "has got everyone behind him."

And lo, there were casualties in the Great and Terrible Wingnut Wars...

Michael Steele, insisting that HE was the Glorious Leader and Defender of the Old Religions, dared to call Comedien-King, "an entertainer", who "yes, is incendiary, yes, it's ugly." Those words were later recognized as the Great Fu*k-up Heard Round the Wingnut World.

Alas, after what seemed at first as a brilliant strategic manuever in distancing himself from Comedien-King, Faux-Leader Steele raised his white flag, dropped to his kness and pledged his "enormous respect" for the Comedien-King. The surrender-words are very painful to read.....

"My intent was not to go after Rush - I have enormous respect for Rush Limbaugh," Steele said in a telephone interview. "I was maybe a little bit inarticulate. ... There was no attempt on my part to diminish his voice or his leadership."

"I went back at that tape and I realized words that I said weren't what I was thinking," Steele said. "It was one of those things where I thinking I was saying one thing, and it came out differently. What I was trying to say was a lot of people ... want to make Rush the scapegoat, the bogeyman, and he's not."

"I'm not going to engage these guys and sit back and provide them the popcorn for a fight between me and Rush Limbaugh," Steele added. "No such thing is going to happen. ... I wasn't trying to slam him or anything."

"I wasn't trying to offend anybody. So, yeah, if he's offended, I'd say: Look, I'm not in the business of hurting people's feelings here. ... My job is to try to bring us all together."

Faux-Leader Steele's Blubbering Backtracking quickly became known as the First Glorious Victory of the Comedien-King in the Great and Terrible Wingnut Wars to save the Old Religions.

Thus ends Chapter One.

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