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Blog of Mass Destruction

"Unto You This Day, A Bailout Is Born"

By The Reverend Published: December 22, 2008

It's the holiday season. The season of giving. Giving, specifically, to those who don't need much of anything. Yes, you read that correctly. American governmental leaders joined in the "giving" festivities this year....and they were so excited about the season.....that they started celebrating early in October. The presents were stacked oh-so-high, it took awhile to unwrap all of them.

Now they're unwrapped and....we're all beholding the glory. Who needs dusty old peasant stories from Bethlehem this season, when stories of the rich and recently-bailed-out famous.....are so uplifting and hope inspiring?

If you hum Oh Come Let Us Adore Them....or....We Three Kings as you read the following, the reason for the season will wash over you like heavily spiked eggnog.....

Lloyd Blankfein, president and chief executive officer of Goldman Sachs, took home nearly $54 million in compensation last year. The company's top five executives received a total of $242 million.

The New York-based company on Dec. 16 reported its first quarterly loss since it went public in 1999. It received $10 billion in taxpayer money on Oct. 28.Link

Richard D. Fairbank, the chairman of Capital One Financial Corp., took a $1 million hit in compensation after his company had a disappointing year, but still got $17 million in stock options. The McLean, Va.-based company received $3.56 billion in bailout money on Nov. 14.

John A. Thain, chief executive officer of Merrill Lynch, topped all corporate bank bosses with $83 million in earnings last year. Thain, a former chief operating officer for Goldman Sachs, took the reins of the company in December 2007, avoiding the blame for a year in which Merrill lost $7.8 billion. Since he began work late in the year, he earned $57,692 in salary, a $15 million signing bonus and an additional $68 million in stock options.
Like Goldman, Merrill got $10 billion from taxpayers on Oct. 28.

I feel all warm and fuzzy knowing that our god-ordained governmental leaders have demonstrated such a Christmas spirit this season. Helping out those who arduously toil daily....helping themselves.'s the season of miracles. Take that you unionized autoworking Grinches.....nothing but lumps of clean coal for you this year. You've been very naughty in your demand to keep your middle class hourly rates and for deserve the punishment you will receive.

For those toiling quietly in the lord's vineyard of finance....the industry where god reveals himself to, frankencense and myrrh just can't express our collective appreciation....certainly not this holiday season....just look at how high the presents are stacked....

Banks that got bailout funds also paid out millions for home security systems, private chauffeured cars, and club dues. Some banks even paid for financial advisers. Wells Fargo of San Francisco, which took $25 billion in taxpayer bailout money, gave its top executives up to $20,000 each to pay personal financial planners.

Nothing quite says "Happy Holidays" a gift of your very own personal financial planner.....does it? And honestly now, you can't expect Santa's favorites to simply be satisfied with Big Lots-style financial planning...can you? Oh no. Nothing but the best for the wildly unsuccessful financial industry barons....

At Bank of New York Mellon Corp., chief executive Robert P. Kelly's stipend for financial planning services came to $66,748, on top of his $975,000 salary and $7.5 million bonus. His car and driver cost $178,879. Kelly also received $846,000 in relocation expenses, including help selling his home in Pittsburgh and purchasing one in Manhattan, the company said.

Really makes those $60K per year autoworkers look greedy, doesn't it? The nerve of autoworkers wanting to keep their health care! Southern Senator Santas will just have to skip Michigan altogether this year....because of all the obvious selfishness there.

Goldman Sachs' tab for leased cars and drivers ran as high as $233,000 per executive. The firm told its shareholders this year that financial counseling and chauffeurs are important in giving executives more time to focus on their jobs. JPMorgan Chase chairman James Dimon ran up a $211,182 private jet travel tab last year when his family lived in Chicago and he was commuting to New York. The company got $25 billion in bailout funds.

Heckuva focus job, Goldman and Morgan. They were so "focused on their jobs" that when the giant Ponzi they built ate America, they didn't even notice. Now that's staying focused. And come on....$233,000 per executive for cars and drivers? I'm thinking the "firm" must have had to redact the real reason for the chauffeurs and the cars. Here's probably how the original read...."The firm told its shareholders this year that financial counseling and chauffeurs are important in giving executives more time to focus on their BLOW jobs."

Do you even realize how strenuous it is to drive, go over personal finances, and get head all at the same time?

Sorry Santa, you know, for talking naughty.

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