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Honesty about goals, concerns helps couples ward off trouble
By Betty Lin-Fisher
Beacon Journal business writer
Published on Sunday, Jul 13, 2008
If you're in a relationship where you share money, is one person the saver and the other the spender?
Or is one the worrier and the other more laid-back, figuring it works out each month?
Or are you both of the same mind-set and habits when it comes to your finances?
Whatever your situation, psychologists say it's important to keep the lines of communication open about finances.
''Finances are one of the big things couples can argue about,'' said Joshua Coleman, a senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families, a group of family scholars and practitioners.
''The more couples are worried about money, the more real insecurity about money, the more it increases divorce risk. It gives couples much more to fight about. In general, anxiety and worry aren't good things for a marriage,'' said Coleman, a psychologist in the San Francisco Bay area and author whose specialty is couples and families.
The roles people play within relationships don't necessarily fall along gender lines, said Coleman and Stuart Vyse, a psychology professor at Connecticut College and author of Going Broke: Why Americans Can't Hold Onto Their Money.
''I think it can work with one who is the worrier and the other the saver, as long as the couple hangs together and is committed to each other in that way,'' Vyse said. ''I think it can work if they both are. The problem is if you're both irresponsible, then you're in trouble.''
Couples can break down over financial issues when there is ''financial infidelity,'' or a situation where one partner is not being honest with the other about spending, Vyse said. The person might have a secret credit card or might be spending money and incurring debt and keeping it a secret from the other partner.
''This happens in a surprising number of cases,'' he said.
Another form of secrecy can be spouses or partners who keep secret bank accounts.
It suggests you're thinking of the possible failure of the relationship, Vyse said.
A secret account is a potential red flag in a relationship, Coleman said, but it also could be a way for one person to set a boundary or have something that is only his.
If discovered, the secret bank account would be a disappointment to the other partner, Vyse said, but it is not as likely to cause financial hardship as financial infidelity, in which debt has been building.
Setting goals together
Couples must learn how to communicate with each other about finances and determine their common goals and how they'll get there, Vyse said.
Another potential problem among couples is control. One spouse might feel like the other has him or her on a leash. At the other end of the spectrum, one partner is spending money irresponsibly.
When one spouse buys a $3,000 television without the other spouse's input, that won't go well, said Coleman, a Dayton native whose newest book is When Parents Hurt, Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along.
''Some couples have rules where you can't do a purchase over $100 or $200 without getting agreement from the partner. But the less money the marriage has, the lower that can be, all the way down to a music CD,'' he said. ''Buy-in is important with the [financial] plan. If one person just dictates it, it won't go well.''
Couples must agree on goals, Vyse said. For instance, if one spouse feels like the other has him or her on a financial leash, that feeling can be eliminated by having the two sit down and decide how they will spend and save.
These days, as many women as men handle family finances, balancing the checkbook and paying bills.
But it wasn't always that way and is a generational change. How many times have you heard of a situation where a husband died and a woman had no idea how the family's finances had been handled?
That has changed mostly since the 1970s, when more women entered the work force, Vyse said.
But dual-income families have a new problem, he said.
There is actually less of a financial cushion, because most dual-income families tend to live up to or above their means.
In a one-income family, when the breadwinner becomes ill or loses his or her job, the other person can go out and get a job and the household has a better chance of survival, Vyse said.
''If both people are in the work force already, you've essentially doubled your likelihood for disaster,'' he said. ''The message for couples is to remember, 'Yes, you can make more money if you're both working, which will afford you a better lifestyle, but you still need that cushion [of a savings account].' ''
Partners in finance
For one-income families, another important thing to work out is a feeling of financial partnership for the stay-at-home spouse, often the wife, Vyse and Coleman said.
''The fact is, of course, they are a couple. They are a unified entity, both financially and socially. If they fail, they fail together. The woman is part of the system. She is making it possible for him to work, in many cases being home with the kids. I think it's important for women in that circumstance to recognize they are providing an extremely valuable function and to assert themselves,'' Vyse said.
Again, the bottom line about finances and relationships is communication.
''Recognize that if you're having big fights about money, it's probably not about money,'' Coleman said. ''It's about some other underlying issues that aren't getting unearthed. Often, they're about power or control or [being] misunderstood or uncared about.
''There are all kinds of ways that money can become a problem. A lot gets communicated about money. In so many ways, money can be used to show love [and] it can be used to withhold love.''
This week's challenge: Sit down and have a frank conversation with your partner or spouse. Are you on the same page about your spending and saving habits. Is there anything you need to do differently?
How are you doing on our savings challenge? I'd love to hear from you. Let me know how it's going so far and whether you have tips that have worked for you that I can share with others.
Betty Lin-Fisher can be reached at
330-996-3724 or blinfisher@
thebeaconjournal.com.
If you're in a relationship where you share money, is one person the saver and the other the spender?
Get the full article here.
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