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By Malcolm X Abram
Beacon Journal music critic
POSTED: 07:16 a.m. EST, Jan 01, 2009
Bon any nou, feliz ano novo and happy New Year to everyone.
I hope you survived whatever festivities in which you engaged last night.
If you're reading this, then you are likely reasonably conscious and hopefully coherent (good for you). Well, we'll take it easy on you (I'm typing very quietly) and offer a few music-related predictions for the upcoming year based on a careful study of trends, marketing reports and anything else that pops into my head.
Silly? Pointless?
Perhaps. But that doesn't mean some of this stuff couldn't happen.
• Madonna turns 51, but not content with the icon status she's worked much of her adult life to obtain, the star releases her 12th album Easy 2 Digest featuring a duet with the Jonas Brothers, May/December, Menage-a-quatre. In the obligatory video, the still cherub-faced Disney trio looks very uncomfortable while lip-syncing on a giant heart-shaped bed as Madonna wiggles and gyrates suggestively around them. At approximately 2 minutes and 13 seconds into the video, Madge inadvertently rubs her leather-clad quinquagenerian tuchis on each of the boys' Promise Rings, causing the symbols of abstinence to immediately burst into flame.
• Missing-in-action R&B stars Maxwell, D'Angelo and Sade each finally complete and release new albums and hit the road for the Where the Hell Have U Been? tour. The tour is a massive success and each star vows that they'll tour together again, right after they finish recording their follow-up albums. The follow-up tour's opening night is scheduled for April 1, 2025.
• Arizona indie rock band the Sardonic Muchachos become the ''next big thing'' by following the path to stardom of 2008 blog-buzz band Vampire Weekend, which was lauded well before many people heard its music. Through positive Internet buzz, an amazing Facebook page, constant fan interaction, precise niche online marketing and good old-fashioned smoke and mirrors, ''The 'Chachos'' and their self-dubbed ''Tejano Death-Folk'' music manage to win a best new artist Grammy, an MTV video of the year award and earn a gold record from the RIAA — all without actually recording a single song.
• Several boomer rock icons die of apparently unrelated cases of severe anemia. Coincidentally, each of the now deceased rock legends received a friendly visit from old pal and rock 'n' roll death-dodger Keith Richards a few days before shuffling off their mortal coil. A saddened Richards, getting ready for the Stones' umpteenth tour, publicly laments the loss of each of his friends, though observers note that by year's end Richards' usually sallow pallor and craggy skin look amazingly young and smooth.
• Never one to let a cash cow die quietly, Disney releases High School Musical 4: After Prom Night. The new musical spectacular features all new songs and the aging cast dancing and singing enthusiastically about hangover remedies, morning-after pills, limo rental fees and SAT scores. The film/album flops and Disney moves on to a brand new concept, Secondary School Shindig, aimed at the growing pre-tween market.
• With hip-hop sales still plummeting and gangsta cliches finally running their course, a new subgenre arises, Gentleman Rap. The new craze finds once angry urbanites now spitting gritty couplets about helping old women with their groceries, opening doors for ladies and respectful meetings with their dates' parents. The genre's defining hit is the No. 1 single Polite'n on Suckas, whose chanting chorus can be heard bumping from car windows throughout the summer: ''Pull her chair out!, Hey! Compliment her outfit! Hey! Tell her she looks nice! Uhh! Ask her about her feelings!'' Eazy-E spins in his grave.
• After the professional ups and personal downs of 2008, singer Amy Winehouse gets clean and divorces her good-for-nothing husband/anchor Blake Civil-Fielder. Her triumphant comeback album Stronger tops the charts on the strength of the single What Was I Thinking?
• The 2009 rock hall ceremonies in Cleveland go forward without a hitch. Visiting artists, honorees and officials all praise the city for its hospitality and preparedness. But the snooty New York-based Rock Hall Foundation, celebrating back-to-back Giants' Super Bowl wins, refuses to hold the ceremony in the city again until the Browns score an offensive touchdown. The ceremony never returns to Cleveland.
• Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana grows weary of being the squeaky clean Disney kid star and tries to shake up her image by singing with spunky country singer Taylor Swift on the hit honky-tonk tune All Men Suck. The now 17-year-old singer/actress follows that song with her controversial third album Almost Legal and its even more controversial single Ask Me Again Next Year, featuring R. Kelly, Jimmy Page and Jerry Lee Lewis. Billy Ray Cyrus' career spins in its grave.
• R&B singer R. Kelly, still clueless as to why many people think a 41-year-old man shouldn't want to ''hang out'' with 19-year-old girls, finally visits a therapist to help him understand the public backlash. After six months of intense sessions, he ends the year with the surprisingly self-aware single I Creep Myself Out, parts 1-12.
• Crossover rap king Lil Wayne decides to take it easy in 2009 and only appears on 136 songs, down from the previous year's mark of every odd-numbered single on the charts.
• The auto-tune craze in pop music reaches its illogical conclusion when T-Pain and Kanye West record a song together that features no vocals or music, just the sound of the audio engineer rhythmically turning the auto-tune plug-in switch on and off for 31/2 minutes. The song, Pushin' Butt-onz, goes to No. 1.
Malcolm X Abram can be reached at mabram@thebeaconjournal.com or 330-996-3758.
Bon any nou, feliz ano novo and happy New Year to everyone.
I hope you survived whatever festivities in which you engaged last night.
If you're reading this, then you are likely reasonably conscious and hopefully coherent (good for you). Well, we'll take it easy on you (I'm typing very quietly) and offer a few music-related predictions for the upcoming year based on a careful study of trends, marketing reports and anything else that pops into my head.
Silly? Pointless?
Perhaps. But that doesn't mean some of this stuff couldn't happen.
• Madonna turns 51, but not content with the icon status she's worked much of her adult life to obtain, the star releases her 12th album Easy 2 Digest featuring a duet with the Jonas Brothers, May/December, Menage-a-quatre. In the obligatory video, the still cherub-faced Disney trio looks very uncomfortable while lip-syncing on a giant heart-shaped bed as Madonna wiggles and gyrates suggestively around them. At approximately 2 minutes and 13 seconds into the video, Madge inadvertently rubs her leather-clad quinquagenerian tuchis on each of the boys' Promise Rings, causing the symbols of abstinence to immediately burst into flame.
• Missing-in-action R&B stars Maxwell, D'Angelo and Sade each finally complete and release new albums and hit the road for the Where the Hell Have U Been? tour. The tour is a massive success and each star vows that they'll tour together again, right after they finish recording their follow-up albums. The follow-up tour's opening night is scheduled for April 1, 2025.
• Arizona indie rock band the Sardonic Muchachos become the ''next big thing'' by following the path to stardom of 2008 blog-buzz band Vampire Weekend, which was lauded well before many people heard its music. Through positive Internet buzz, an amazing Facebook page, constant fan interaction, precise niche online marketing and good old-fashioned smoke and mirrors, ''The 'Chachos'' and their self-dubbed ''Tejano Death-Folk'' music manage to win a best new artist Grammy, an MTV video of the year award and earn a gold record from the RIAA — all without actually recording a single song.
• Several boomer rock icons die of apparently unrelated cases of severe anemia. Coincidentally, each of the now deceased rock legends received a friendly visit from old pal and rock 'n' roll death-dodger Keith Richards a few days before shuffling off their mortal coil. A saddened Richards, getting ready for the Stones' umpteenth tour, publicly laments the loss of each of his friends, though observers note that by year's end Richards' usually sallow pallor and craggy skin look amazingly young and smooth.
• Never one to let a cash cow die quietly, Disney releases High School Musical 4: After Prom Night. The new musical spectacular features all new songs and the aging cast dancing and singing enthusiastically about hangover remedies, morning-after pills, limo rental fees and SAT scores. The film/album flops and Disney moves on to a brand new concept, Secondary School Shindig, aimed at the growing pre-tween market.
• With hip-hop sales still plummeting and gangsta cliches finally running their course, a new subgenre arises, Gentleman Rap. The new craze finds once angry urbanites now spitting gritty couplets about helping old women with their groceries, opening doors for ladies and respectful meetings with their dates' parents. The genre's defining hit is the No. 1 single Polite'n on Suckas, whose chanting chorus can be heard bumping from car windows throughout the summer: ''Pull her chair out!, Hey! Compliment her outfit! Hey! Tell her she looks nice! Uhh! Ask her about her feelings!'' Eazy-E spins in his grave.
• After the professional ups and personal downs of 2008, singer Amy Winehouse gets clean and divorces her good-for-nothing husband/anchor Blake Civil-Fielder. Her triumphant comeback album Stronger tops the charts on the strength of the single What Was I Thinking?
• The 2009 rock hall ceremonies in Cleveland go forward without a hitch. Visiting artists, honorees and officials all praise the city for its hospitality and preparedness. But the snooty New York-based Rock Hall Foundation, celebrating back-to-back Giants' Super Bowl wins, refuses to hold the ceremony in the city again until the Browns score an offensive touchdown. The ceremony never returns to Cleveland.
• Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana grows weary of being the squeaky clean Disney kid star and tries to shake up her image by singing with spunky country singer Taylor Swift on the hit honky-tonk tune All Men Suck. The now 17-year-old singer/actress follows that song with her controversial third album Almost Legal and its even more controversial single Ask Me Again Next Year, featuring R. Kelly, Jimmy Page and Jerry Lee Lewis. Billy Ray Cyrus' career spins in its grave.
• R&B singer R. Kelly, still clueless as to why many people think a 41-year-old man shouldn't want to ''hang out'' with 19-year-old girls, finally visits a therapist to help him understand the public backlash. After six months of intense sessions, he ends the year with the surprisingly self-aware single I Creep Myself Out, parts 1-12.
• Crossover rap king Lil Wayne decides to take it easy in 2009 and only appears on 136 songs, down from the previous year's mark of every odd-numbered single on the charts.
• The auto-tune craze in pop music reaches its illogical conclusion when T-Pain and Kanye West record a song together that features no vocals or music, just the sound of the audio engineer rhythmically turning the auto-tune plug-in switch on and off for 31/2 minutes. The song, Pushin' Butt-onz, goes to No. 1.
Malcolm X Abram can be reached at mabram@thebeaconjournal.com or 330-996-3758.
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