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Parents responsible for setting limits
Published on Sunday, Jun 14, 2009
trip to the shopping mall leaves you wondering what kind of parents would let their teenagers leave the house looking like that.
You watch as a couple approaches. She has long, wavy, blue hair. His is as dark as a raven's, with spikes shooting out. She has a pierced eyebrow. He has a nose ring.
She's wearing a sheer blouse with holes in places that make her bizarre ensemble obscene. His jeans are so baggy that they're resting on his hips, revealing boxers with creepy skulls.
On the way home, you experience a
feeling of great relief knowing that your kid would never dress like that. Or so you thought.
Then Johnny Jr. bursts out of the bathroom, sporting a mohawk in a putrid purple.
Warning: Don't freak out.
Think back to your mama's chagrin when you wore dresses far too short or sprouted so much facial hair that your pop accused you of not knowing how to use a razor.
The wise know which battles are worth fighting. The rest of us are trying to figure that out.
Teenagers are freedom-seekers, exploring their identities and seeking independence. So sometimes they do things that make us react the same way we do when someone runs their nails across a chalkboard.
''As parents, we have a vision of how we want our children to be. How we want them to turn out. But just because they want to color their hair purple when they are 14 doesn't mean when they are young adults they are still going to be dyeing their hair purple,'' said Angela Early, a therapist specializing in children and adolescent
behavior at Akron Family Institute in Green.
While it's OK to bend the rules on some things, like what a kid wears or the color of her locks, it's not OK when it comes to safety issues, including drinking, talking to people they don't know on the Internet, and sex.
''Realistically, though, you are not going to prevent your child from having sex because where there's a will, often there's a way,'' explained Early. ''But if you know for sure your child is having sex, you need to encourage them not to and then make sure they are educated about STDs.''
Last year, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported that a staggering one-quarter of U.S. girls ages 14 to 19 are infected with at least one sexually transmitted disease.
Despite the fact that they cannot legally purchase alcohol, teens are at far greater risk of death in an alcohol-related crash than the overall population, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration reports. In 2006, the most recent year that figures are available, 25 percent of young drivers ages 15 to 20 who were killed in crashes had been drinking.
And while the Internet is a source of knowledge and fun, sexual predators are using it more and more to find their victims.
Bottom line: Know when to pick your battles. Purple hair won't kill anyone. Not wearing a seat belt or text messaging while driving just might.
So maybe your child isn't doing anything wrong, but is socializing with a crowd that's got a reputation for drugs or other unsavory activities.
Explain that while you understand that he isn't interested in those things, people are going to assume that he is.
''They do have to think about that perception,'' Early said. ''For instance, if they are with a group of kids who steal. They may be accused of it and they may have consequences for making that choice.''
If you're accusing your child and her friends of doing something wrong without proof, perhaps you need to examine your own teenage years.
''Sometimes parents assume their child is going to do something because that's what they were doing when they were their age. And that's not necessarily true,'' Early warned. ''You know the values and morals you raised your children with and at some point, you have to trust that they get it.''
Still, as a parent, it's your responsibility to set limits when needed. Early suggests including the kids in the decision-making, such as negotiating a curfew based on the teen's plans for the evening.
''I haven't met a teenager yet who did not want limits,'' Early said. ''They don't want to be able to do whatever they want.''
When that happens, she said, kids are fast to assume that their parents don't care about them.
''They perceive it,'' Early added, ''as being unloved.''
Kim Hone-McMahan can be reached at 330-996-3742 or kmcmahan@thebeaconjournal.com.
trip to the shopping mall leaves you wondering what kind of parents would let their teenagers leave the house looking like that.
Get the full article here.
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