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Columnist, carnivorous hubby continue to believe bird is better
By Lisa Abraham
Beacon Journal food writer
Published on Wednesday, Nov 25, 2009
''Millions of Americans to celebrate turkey-free Thanksgiving,'' was the headline on a recent press release that crossed my desk.
I thought to myself, ''Can that many people really opt for ham?''
Silly me.
Silly carnivorous me.
As I read on, I realized that turkey-free actually meant meat-free. It detailed several suitable meatless substitutes for vegetarian and vegan Thanksgiving celebrations.
I am a meat eater, an omnivore, actually. As a requirement of my job, I eat everything.
But I respect and appreciate the meatless lifestyle. Some of my favorite meals come directly from my garden and don't involve meat, so I can understand the practice of not eating meat, for whatever reasons.
What I have trouble understanding is adopting a meatless lifestyle and then seeking out fake meat.
This personal debate of mine goes back years to a vegetarian friend who tried to sell me on her ''meatless meatballs,'' made from wheat gluten and ground nuts.
Ahh, no thanks.
If I want a meatball, I'll eat the real thing. And these meatless balls didn't taste anything like meat.
This is especially hard for me to comprehend at a time like Thanksgiving, when there are so many meat-free options already on the table — pumpkin pie, candied yams, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, glazed carrots — heck, even the stuffing can be made without the benefit of the bird.
With a spread like that, who needs a tofu turkey?
Apparently, some of the previously mentioned millions.
So in the interest of a happy Thanksgiving for all, I decided to eat my way through as many turkey substitutes as I could find. Vegetarians, I've got your backs and you've got my palate.
For fake-turkey-palooza, I enlisted the help of my husband, whose love of the Thanksgiving bird is well known. His reaction wasn't quite what I had hoped, but it was what I expected: ''Oh, sure, you want me to help test the tofu, but never the cookies or cakes.''
After assuring him that his role was as vital to the food world as Columbus to the new world, I popped the first ''bird'' in the oven, and we began our culinary exploration.
Made by the British company Quorn, ''the meatless and soy-free Turk'y roast'' came out of the box looking like an albino summer sausage. I put it in the oven to roast according to the package instructions and about half an hour later it emerged, looking like a slightly browner version of an albino summer sausage.
''I'm carving the first one,'' I called out. Husband came with anxious anticipation as I sliced the sausage into perfect circles and we sampled.
Its texture was not completely unlike white-meat turkey and it had a subtle turkey flavor.
Husband agreed, trying to be positive. ''It tastes like hospital turkey,'' he proclaimed. ''That turkey roll they serve in hospitals and school cafeterias.''
I should note that the Quorn roast is not vegan, containing rehydrated egg white, along with pea fiber.
Next out of the oven was the Stuffed Celebration Roast, made by the Original Field Roast Grain Meat Co. of Seattle. The Celebration Roast is made from wheat gluten, yeast extract, barley malt, and Irish moss extract, among other ingredients, and it comes stuffed with butternut squash, apples and mushrooms.
This sounded promising. Again, I sliced two circles and placed them on our plates.
Buoyed from his hospital food experience, husband bit into the Celebration Roast with eager anticipation.
His eyes widened. ''Do I have to eat the whole slice?'' he asked, as a look of desperation came across his face. I took a bite and quickly understood his pleading. So many quips came to mind: ''Celebration Roast is nothing to celebrate,'' ''This fowl is foul,'' ''Irish moss extract is clearly an acquired taste.''
I could go on and on, but I think you've got the idea.
Next came the Tofurky, possibly the most famous vegetarian turkey substitute on the market. To accompany it, I also purchased a container of Tofurky gravy, both made by Turtle Island Foods of Hood River, Ore.
The Tofurky is made of wheat gluten and tofu and filled with a stuffing of organic brown rice and whole wheat bread cubes.
Tofurky was a bit sponge-like and lacked flavor, ''but that stuffing's not too bad,'' my husband noted. The gravy was another story entirely. Its smell, somewhere between burnt olives and rotting flesh, still haunts my kitchen.
Last up was Gardein brand Stuffed Veggie Turkey Roast. This product is available at Whole Foods stores in the Cleveland area, but I purchased some from Scot Jones, executive chef at Akron's VegiTerranean restaurant. He also sent accompanying gravy.
(I should note that Jones and I have had the ''Why bother with fake meat'' discussion, on more than one occasion.)
Gardein is a blend of soy, wheat, peas, beets and carrots. The two small roasts resembled chicken croquettes. When we sliced into them, they tasted not quite like turkey, but more like chicken — a heavily processed, sort of spongy chicken.
''It tastes like chicken nuggets,'' husband declared. We vetoed this gravy too, for tasting too much like soy sauce and not enough like gravy.
Our tasting concluded, my husband declared that his pick would be the Quorn roast, but quickly pointed out that he would be extra thankful for real turkey this year.
I have to say, I felt kind of sorry for the non-meat-eaters out there who are clearly being underserved by the fake-meat producers of the world. If they can put a man on the moon, surely they can come up with a pea fiber and wheat gluten blend that actually tastes like turkey.
Vegetarians, I say, rise up.
Marshal your millions-strong forces and demand a better tasting substitute.
Until then, I'd stick to the candied yams and green bean casserole.
And until next week, whether you're roasting turkey or tofu, have fun in the kitchen and have a very happy Thanksgiving.
Lisa A. Abraham can be reached at 330-996-3737 or labraham@thebeaconjournal.com.
''Millions of Americans to celebrate turkey-free Thanksgiving,'' was the headline on a recent press release that crossed my desk.
Get the full article here.
Comments
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Posted 10:26 AM, 11/25/2009
Despite the author's rather cloying recognition of the vegan lifestyle, this article is surprisingly humorless and snarky. Frankly, I feel sorry for people who eat dead flesh, but that's your thing, not mine. Not having eaten meat since August of 1975, I have no idea what a "real meatball" tastes like, and thus have nothing to compare "vegan meatballs" to, if I wanted to eat a vegan meatball, which I do not. Oh, and a little head's up on your writing: do not follow "I could go on and on but..." with 13 additional paragraphs. That is, kinda, "going on and on." Happy Thanksgiving.
Akron, OH
Posted 09:08 AM, 11/26/2009
A tofurky sandwich is ok by me. No hormones, pesticides, and an animal wasn't harmed during the manufacturing process. Less calories and fat too. You are what you eat...
Posted 05:13 PM, 11/30/2009
@Clifford - I think this points to a larger issue in the fight to convert the carnivores. Many claim the benefits of going meat free, but until the carnivore can get a good substitute, dead flesh wins. You can tout the healthiness of a vegetarian or vegan life, but given that many can't even break way from a Big Mac even though it's a heart attack in a bun, the flavor's got to be there to win them over. Health, animal rights, hormones, pesticides, you name it... taste trumps it all. If the mass marketing appeal of a vegetarian lifestyle is Tofurky, the country will still be full of meat eaters.
Akron, Oh
Posted 12:44 PM, 12/01/2009
Umm, I am vegan for ethical reasons so no need to feel sorry for me author. It is a choice I was happy to make. We didn't go for a meat substitute for Thanksgiving, just yummy unprocessed veggie foods
Medina, OH
Posted 01:28 PM, 12/01/2009
There is a place on this earth for all of God's wonderful creatures...next to my potatoes! You PETA freaks sure are missing out! To each their own though. Please pass the gravy.
