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Mangini doesn't name a quarterback
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KSU Notes – November 9
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Shaq: It’s All About Winning Championships
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Weekly ‘B’ Deck Report – New Mexico St.
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Walsh Jesuit’s Caponi commits to Duquesne
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If It Looks Like Islamic Terrorism…
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Abortion Analogies
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Muffle Your Muffler
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Clock Tender- Extending the Life of Collector Car Clocks
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Rumors: Akron Starbucks Closing
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Jack is looking for a trip to Southern Ohio the week of November 16.
Sound Check:
The Black Keys to perform benefit concert at Musica on November 27
HRLite House:
Personal Rant – Why People Do Not Live in Northeast Ohio
Akron Gamer:
New 'Call of Duty' could set entertainment record
Intrepid columnist presents awards for best, worst, goofiest and most embarrassing moments of 2008
By Bob Dyer
Beacon Journal Staff Writer
Published on Friday, Dec 26, 2008
Sure, your net worth is half of what it was last year.
Sure, you've had to revise your retirement plans.
Sure, you canceled that exotic vacation and put off buying a new car.
But 'tis the season to be jolly, dagnabbit, so jolly we're gonna be.
Yes, it's time again for the Bobby Awards, our annual tribute to the best and the worst, the goofiest and the dumbest, the oddest and most embarrassing moments our area had to offer.
This is the 13th year for these gems. Fortunately, the 2008 collection is the finest since the Great Depression.
Unlike those overpriced national awards — the Oscars, the Emmys, the Grammys, the Tonys — the Bobbys are locally produced, commercial-free and dirt cheap.
They also are biased, insensitive, slanted, sarcastic, one-sided and unfair.
And therein lies their beauty.
FUNNIEST DEATH: OK, the death itself wasn't a thigh-slapper, but the obituary for Tallmadge resident Ruth Rencevicz was certainly entertaining. The first sentence said she passed away ''due to complications resulting from her children making her old before her time.'' In addition to her work as a switchboard operator for two local credit unions, she reportedly served as ''a covert spy for the Central Intelligence Agency, where during the Cold War she was largely responsible for the break-up of the Soviet Union.'' We also learned that she often summered in Greenwich, Conn., ''where she loved drinking Fresca with Absolut Ruby Red vodka and stalking Peter Jennings and Jack Black.''
THE SHOT HEARD 'ROUND THE SQUARE: A Medina City Council meeting this month turned into a sequel to Blazing Saddles. A bunch of 9- and 10-year-olds from Cub Scout Troop 3506 were on hand to learn how their local government works. As the council was preparing to pass legislation dealing with architectural design, one of the scouts passed a blast of intestinal gas that, according to one observer, was ''so loud you could have heard it in the parking lot.'' Councilman Dennie Simpson burst into laughter. Mayor Jane Leaver had the misfortune to be speaking at the time, and she soon lost it, too. As her shoulders shook, the whole place erupted, bringing the meeting to a sustained halt before decorum could be restored. No truth to the rumor that the scout was rewarded with his Flatulence Badge.
FREDERICK DOUGLASS ORATION AWARD: At a Summit County Board of Elections meeting in January, board chairman Wayne Jones called fellow board member Alex Arshinkoff ''an a------.'' Fortunately, no Cub Scouts were in attendance.
CALORIC DISCONNECT: Callers to the Akron-Canton Regional Foodbank heard a recorded message that said, ''If you are calling from a rotary phone or would like immediate assistance, please press zero at any time.'' Hmm.
WAYWARD SON AWARD: From a January crime story: ''A man wearing a white 'What Would Jesus Do?' T-shirt pumped $10 worth of fuel in his 1994 Buick and left without paying.'' Apparently, in the wake of high gasoline prices, Jesus quietly revised some of his teachings.
FATHER OF THE YEAR AWARD: What does a good father do when he's caught with a photo of a naked woman on his laptop? Well, if you're former state Rep. Matthew Barrett, you throw your son under the bus. Barrett was making a presentation to a Norwalk High School government class when his laptop projected the racy image onto the screen. He claimed he didn't know anything about it, and told investigators it was probably the work of his 12-year-old son. Months later, Barrett resigned, finally admitting that the babe was someone he knew who had e-mailed him the photo — at his request. He mistakenly had left it on his, um, flash drive. Thanks a lot, Pop.
DOUBLE RIP-OFF: The owner of a landscaping business in Green told deputies somebody forced open the doors to his office and garage and stole his surveillance system, which was valued at $3,000. Anyone else think the system was overvalued?
ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP, SENIOR DIVISION: During early presidential voting in October, a pair of senior citizens duked it out at a Cuyahoga Falls nursing home. Even odder, both were poll workers who were on hand to help elderly voters. When the 75-year-old man accused the 73-year-old woman of marking the Obama circle after a resident asked for a mark in the McCain circle, the woman allegedly jumped on his back and punched him in the head three or four times before fellow election workers pulled her off. Thus far, she has not been tapped by the president-elect for a spot in his diplomatic corps.
TONKA TOYS IN THE ATTIC: Cuyahoga Falls Mayor Don Robart didn't exactly dazzle us with his knowledge of heavy equipment when he said this about razing State Road Shopping Center: ''I can't wait to get on that bulldozer and drive the first wrecking ball into it.''
BAIT-AND-SWITCH AWARD: Even though the company is based in Rhode Island, the headline on a March news release piqued my interest. ''VIBCO Vibrators extends customer-service hours, maintains 24-hour tech support.'' That kept me reading all the way to the fourth paragraph, when I discovered that VIBCO makes ''heavy-duty electric, pneumatic and hydraulic vibrators for construction and industrial use.'' Curses.
SUPERSCOUT AWARD: An elderly man phoned the newspaper Jan. 3 — four days before the Ohio State Buckeyes were to play LSU for college football's national championship — and asked for a phone number for OSU coach Jim Tressel, explaining that he wanted ''to help him on offense,'' presumably by suggesting plays. The guy said he would have written to Tressel, but it was too late and this was an emergency. At the time, we all laughed. In retrospect, maybe we should have hooked them up.
BEST PR SAVE: Humana sent out a huge mailing in the Canton area that encouraged senior citizens to attend an insurance seminar. The toll-free number for registering was off by one digit, though, and seniors who dialed heard this: ''Welcome to the hottest, wildest adult fantasy line.'' The recorded voice went on to talk about things that didn't seem to have much to do with insurance. A Humana spokesman was able to diffuse the ensuing PR problem with a bit of humor: ''The number was off by one digit. Of course, it couldn't have been the crochet club auxiliary.''
SLOW-LEARNER TROPHY: Kent police charged a Cortland man with public intoxication and public indecency after he was spotted urinating on a vehicle parked at — ahem — the Kent Police Department. He had just been released from Kent Municipal Court on a charge of drunken driving.
HALL OF FADING FAME: The $38 million Inventors Hall of Fame closed its doors after the powers-that-be finally figured out that area residents are not going to make repeated trips to look at plaques of old guys who invented stuff they don't understand.
SUBSCRIBER OF THE YEAR: On a Saturday evening in February, an unhappy customer phoned the Beacon Journal newsroom. Caller: ''I don't have my Sunday paper yet. Is there a chance I'll still get it?'' Staffer: ''Your Sunday paper?'' Caller: ''Yeah. Well, what day is it?'' Staffer: ''Saturday.'' Caller: ''Saturday? How long has it been Saturday?'' Staffer: ''It's 10:30 p.m.'' Caller: ''10:30 at night?'' Staffer: ''Yes, ma'am.'' Caller: ''Holy cats! Sorry.''
HOUDINI AWARD: During these tough economic times, the kind souls at the University of Akron have ''frozen'' tuition. Well, UA now charges a mandatory transportation fee of $115 per semester, even if you don't park on campus or use the buses. But that's not a tuition hike. And UA is now making students absorb the 2.9 percent processing fee on credit-card payments. But that's not a tuition hike. And UA charges a parent $25 to walk through freshman orientation day with their kid. But that's not a tuition hike. And in one year, UA's standard meal plan shot up 5 percent and housing 9 percent. But that's not a tuition hike. Nope. All that money is just sort of magically changing hands.
WORST REALITY SHOW: When three Canton police officers chased a lone suspect on foot, it didn't go quite the way it goes on TV — unless you're talking about a Keystone Cops festival. The chase started when they showed up at a house and tried to arrest a domestic-violence suspect. It ended with all three cops requiring hospital treatment, one for a sprained neck, one for a sprained back and one with a broken thumb and foot. The neck injury took place when the guy they were chasing jumped off the roof of a garage and landed on the cop's head. One of the walking wounded finally managed to break out a Taser.
NOVEL DEFENSE: A Norton woman was charged with lying to police about a sexual assault. She later admitted that she fabricated the allegation because, according to the report, she was angry that ''she bought the beer and had oral sex with the man but didn't get laid.''
DYSLEXIA AWARD: Alleged superstar Braylon Edwards apparently misread his 2008 Cleveland Browns playbook, which indicates that he is supposed to catch passes rather than place them on the ground.
BEST CSI: AKRON PILOT: In May, an Akron man reported an ''assault by Web site.'' He told police that Internet sites were being beamed into his head, rendering him impotent. He also offered a tip: The sites are located downtown and affect all public officials. Police said they were already aware of that. (Not really, but they should have.)
MOST DEMANDING JOB: This was part of the job description for a PR position at Kent State University: ''Typically requires sitting, walking, standing, bending, keying, talking, hearing, seeing and repetitive motions.'' Gosh, how could anyone but an Olympic decathlete do all of that in one day?
MIXED MESSAGES: Akron held a news conference April 2 to promote ''Lights Out Akron,'' part of a national campaign to turn out the lights for one hour to draw attention to conservation. Beacon Journal writer Phil Trexler, one of five reporters present, was given 21 sheets of paper, two cardboard folders, three cards of temporary tattoos and an audio CD.
POT & KETTLE AWARD: Did you catch that comment from pro golfer Boo Weekley during the annual tournament at Firestone Country Club? He said he'd never heard of Firestone while growing up because he never watched golf on TV. But now, having seen Akron for the first time, he assessed it as ''a pretty place. Neat little old town.'' Little? This guy is from Milton, Fla. — population 7,000. Apparently, he doesn't look out the windows of his car, either.
BEST COLUMNIST: Modesty forbids.
Messages for Bob Dyer can be left at 330-996-3580 or bdyer@thebeaconjournal.com. He bows deeply to colleagues and friends who passed along Bobby nominations during the course of the year: Rick Armon, Mary Beth Breckenridge, Mike Conley, David Giffels, Betty Lin-Fisher, Keith McKnight, Cheryl Powell, Phil Trexler, Stephanie Warsmith, Craig Webb and Tracy Wheeler.
Sure, your net worth is half of what it was last year.
Get the full article here.
Comments
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WADSWORTH, OH
Posted 04:27 AM, 12/26/2008
bet the cub scout troop in medina is still laughing...lol ! anybody got any cans of 'stinky be goney' ?
north canton, oh
Posted 09:22 AM, 12/26/2008
Hilarious story about the "keystone cops" in Canton. Fighting a suspect who's probably high and/or drunk and getting injured - priceless. I couldn't stop laughing about those 3 funny officers. Maybe you ought to take the test to be an officer - but I doubt you'd last through the training.
Posted 10:04 AM, 12/26/2008
This is my favorite story every year, I look forward to this. Thank you!
Posted 01:18 PM, 12/26/2008
About the University of akron's costs...
This is just a case of the University adapting to the financial threats of the state. But it isn't like these charges are unique to Akron. A lot of the locals are angry with these charges, but what they dont realize is that schools like OSU, Cinncinnatti, and just about every other respectable school enact similar charges. These ignorant people just aren't used to the new direction the university is taking. They are too used to hilltop high and the little money that was necessary to run it. Now that the school is taking on such improvements that there were need to be funds coming in to pay for it, so if a tuition freeze is put into place, then the college needs ways to bring in money.
There is a lot of people in this city who are embracing the idea of a stronger university in Akron. At the same time, there are many people who simply despise anything that asks for money.
Akron, OH
Posted 02:54 PM, 12/26/2008
Uh oh, apparently Dyer got upset about me sayin' Stu Warner bein' the best columnist from the area and pulled my comment which said so.
Don't worry Dyer, y'all will always be the best award winnin' traffic reporter.
Akron, oh
Posted 03:01 PM, 12/26/2008
Cops getting injured fighting with suspects is a real laugher, huh BOB? I am sure you would be laughing if some mope jumped onto your head and neck. You are a true keyboard commando. Completely unwilling to get your hands dirty, but always so critical of those that do.
Akron, OH
Posted 03:09 PM, 12/26/2008
Dyer, please try not to delete anymore of my comments. Y'all are the best award winnin' traffic reporter there is, be proud of what y'all have accomplished in the realm of stop and go reportin'.
Wadsworth, OH
Posted 04:40 PM, 12/26/2008
Does anyone else think Betamax has a "man-crush" on Dyer?
Akron, oh
Posted 05:04 PM, 12/26/2008
Well, Bob does have perfectly coifed hair.
Akron, Oh
Posted 06:21 PM, 12/26/2008
How about Marco packing his luggage ?
barberton, oh
Posted 10:40 PM, 12/26/2008
I think that it is very sad that Dyer chose to make light of 3 injured officers. Someone jumps on an officer's head and you make a joke of it???
c'mom Bob, you are better than that!
Akron, OH
Posted 06:26 AM, 12/27/2008
Undrcvrbro, before you call others ignorant, please learn to correctly spell Cincinnati. Thank you.
Akron, OH
Posted 09:56 AM, 12/27/2008
Oh my, a man who wears a tutu makin' comments about men havin' man crushes.
Say tutu-boy, why don't y'all tell ever-buddy about that meetin' y'all set up, then didn't show up to.
Not very manly iff'n y'all ask me.
Brookfield, Pa
Posted 10:13 AM, 12/28/2008
Should be a thing in there about property taxes going up when property values are going down
Akron, OH
Posted 08:16 AM, 12/29/2008
NOVEL DEFENSE: A Norton woman was charged with lying to police about a sexual assault. She later admitted that she fabricated the allegation because, according to the report, she was angry that ''she bought the beer and had oral sex with the man but didn't get laid.''
GOOOOOOOO NORTON!!! LOLOLOL
Akron, OH
Posted 08:24 AM, 12/29/2008
These "Public" Universities keep building and building--have you been to OSU lately? There's apparently no incentive for "doing more with less". There are many causes, including competition for students and no real, authoritative government oversight (weak, rubber-stamping Board of Regents). Action U is just playing the game, and playing it well. Too bad it is not a winner for the students and residents of the State of Ohio.
Posted 01:36 PM, 12/29/2008
rofl, akron U is hardly broke... they are building and buying up the whole downtown.. Oh yeah I can see why they need to raise prices on stuff :)
Posted 09:46 PM, 12/29/2008
Its odd how tuition is frozen at Akron U, yet salaries are not. Not to mention, no one is making them build. They are making their university too expensive for locals, which are still their main source of revenue.
Posted 11:02 PM, 12/29/2008
Comics are awful. What about Bok?
Posted 01:36 AM, 12/30/2008
Farting in public is always worth an award!
Mogadore, OH
Posted 03:11 PM, 01/01/2009
BMax is so vain, he probably thinks thinks the column is about him.
