Because many of you are all wrapped up in holiday preparations, I am delivering some quick-and-easy stocking stuffers.
Such a deal
Bob: My wife and I always enjoy your columns. In keeping with your comments on spelling errors, check out [a recent] Kames ad in the Sports section.
We’ll wait for the crowds to thin out before going to the store to see the advertised “3500 lb. wench.”
That’s one for the record books!
Don: Where are your manners? It’s not polite to make fun of people who are overweight.
A shocking police report, gathered after a crime in the 1500 block of Norton Street in Akron:
“Persons entered by unknown means and took property. Taken: one box of candy canes.”
Detectives were unable to solve the case. Perhaps they were suffering from Seasonal Detective Disorder.
Bob: Thought I’d ask you about Christmas caroling. I planned a caroling get-together with some family and friends, children included. Do you think it’s still a safe thing to do?
I’m only 52 and can remember doing it every year. My 29-year-old daughter-in-law never heard of it!
We planned to do it in the Uniontown area where we live. Any thoughts? Are we good?
Lisa: First, my sympathies to your son. It is unfortunate that he was not aware of his bride’s appalling lack of historical perspective before they wed. Perhaps she would prefer to dance around stone circles singing pagan songs on the Winter Solstice, as people did a few thousand years ago.
Just kidding. I’m sure she is a lovely woman. Sheltered, but lovely.
More to the point: If the world is no longer safe for Christmas carolers in suburbia, we’re in a lot more trouble than I realized.
So you’re good to go. Fear not, and raise your voice in celebration.
A column about the antiquated “blue laws,” which forbade most retail stores from staying open on Sundays and holidays, brought applause from a reader who billed himself as “your friendly local priest in beautiful downtown Kenmore.”
That would be the Rev. Michael B. Smith of Immaculate Conception of Mary Parish.
“Though far from one of the original Puritans,” he writes, “I am nonetheless one of those antiques who remembers Sunday/holiday ‘blue laws.’ ”
Smith wants to reinstate them — and not just for the usual holidays. He would add a few more to the list of “retail-free days,” as well as some additional miscellaneous regulations.
• Fourth Sunday in January: Super Bowl. Take down all Christmas decorations.
• Fourth Monday in February: final NHL match (yes, the NHL must finish by this date!).
• Fourth Monday in March: final NBA game (yes, the NBA must finish by this date!).
• June 8: “My Ordination Anniversary.”
• Sept. 25: Final game of the World Series (yes, the World Series must finish by this date!).
• Fourth Friday in November: Christmas decorations may appear; Christmas shopping may commence.
• TBD: “Your birthday, whenever you choose to observe same.”
Maybe I’m overthinking this, Rev, but wouldn’t all of those floating birthdays — surely we’d cover all 365 dates per year in Akron alone — eliminate the entire retail economy?
What are you, some kind of commie?
Up in smoke
A local physician found great amusement in one of our police reports from Brunswick. The item involved four people arrested on marijuana charges — the result of what we called “a joint investigation.”
Unusual crime report from Plain Township, where Stark sheriff’s deputies arrested a 42-year-old woman “on a charge of domestic violence. She is accused of shooting her boyfriend in the back with a stapler.”
No word on the caliber of the staples.
We trust she was eventually charged with “assault with an orderly weapon.”
Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or firstname.lastname@example.org.