Dear Jane Bond:
As you know, I thanked you profusely last week for righting a 27-year wrong, the name of our Summit County park system.
You changed it from the hideous “Metro Parks, Serving Summit County” to “Summit Metro Parks.”
But we brave warriors for truth, justice and the American Way can never rest.
I have another important assignment for you.
In 2003, a group of spin doctors hoping to pass an income-tax hike eliminated the word “school” from the local lexicon. We no longer have schools. We have “Community Learning Centers.” They’re not just for lowly school kids; they are for the entire community. And don’t you forget it.
The signs in front of what used to be schools shorten the term to “CLC.”
We need to correct this atrocity forthwith.
Unfortunately, Jane, as a park board commissioner, you don’t have any direct influence on school policies. Therefore, you’ll just have to win a seat on the school board.
Bob: With the Metro Parks issue solidly behind us, let’s start a new campaign.
Is it really necessary to use the phrase “hydraulic fracturing or fracking” in every article written on the subject? Are most people so clueless they wouldn’t understand what they were reading about otherwise? Can’t just one or the other name be used after all this time?
It’s sort of like when the potential second Great Depression was in full swing and reporters used a variety of expressions to describe it, finally gravitating to the awkward mouthful, “The greatest recession since the Great Depression.” Thankfully, they eventually shortened that to “the Great Recession.”
So what’s it gonna be? Pick one or the other, OK?
Craig: OK. I pick “the Fracking Recession.”
Yet another blockbuster case has been solved in Medina Township. Our report:
“After hearing strange noises, a Huffman Road resident called police. Officers checked the house and found only a coughing dog.”
The dog was ordered to cover its mouth.
Bob: I love the acceptance letter I got from jury duty in response to my asking to be excused due to my age [almost 77].
It goes on to say, “At some time in the future, your name may be selected again, and if so, it will be necessary to respond as to your status at that time.”
Did they think I was going to get younger?
Nancy: Yes. I think this experience has rejuvenated you. Your email is succinct, amusing and downright peppy. Soon your eyesight will improve and your bones will get stronger and your memory will improve. Heck, another decade or so and you’ll likely be the jury foreperson.
Didn’t realize the ticket policy for Monday’s Medina bash for Gov. John Kasich would be just like the Super Bowl: Only 50 of 1,184 tickets were available to the general public. That’s 4 percent.
Guess I should have realized he has his own corporate sponsors to please ...
Stop the presses. We just received a news release from Summit County that says the Fiscal Office “will observe Weights and Measures Week on March 1-7, 2014. This week acknowledges the public servants who work vigorously to protect us as consumers.”
Well, ordinarily, I’d jump right on that story. But that blockbuster was superseded by another news release from a highly paid person in Manhattan, where folks are far more sophisticated than we are out here in flyover land.
“I hope you’re well!” gushed Kelly Verdi, ensconced in a PR office on Fifth Avenue. “I’m very excited to share that the official dates of National Spa Week’s Spring 2014 installment have been announced!”
National Spa Week. How could I have forgotten?
Kelly went on to say that she’d “love for your readers to learn how they can take advantage of all the pampering their hearts desire on a budget. I’d be happy to discuss confirmed, local spa participants with you thus far or any other info in further detail.
“I look forward to hearing from you soon!”
Dear Kelly: If you define “soon” as “not in this particular lifetime,” we have a deal.
Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or firstname.lastname@example.org.