Any competent journalist can write about events after they happen.
But only your favorite columnist can bring you the news before it happens.
Here’s an advance look at 2014:
Jan. 15: Two weeks after the swearing-in of new Cuyahoga Falls Mayor Don Walters, who replaced Don Robart, City Council passes an ordinance requiring all future mayors to be named Don.
Jan. 20: The city of Akron, cooperating with Cuyahoga Falls for the first time in 28 years, passes the same ordinance.
Feb. 6: In the middle of his State of the City speech, Akron Mayor Don Plusquellic charges into the crowd to confront a heckler, who turns out to be Don Robart. Councilman Russel Neal Jr. steps between them.
Feb. 21: The Bureau of Motor Vehicles introduces its 729th style of license plate, this one honoring Ohio sheepherders.
March 4: Turkish hackers crack the Akron Police Department’s computer system and dispatch 27 squad cars to a canasta tournament at the Rockynol retirement complex. The city immediately fires its information technology chief and hires CGI, the company that created the website for the Affordable Care Act.
April 11: A local judge approves Fairlawn’s plan to put a moat around Rosemont Ridge, protecting residents from the future Walmart on Rothrock Road. Fairlawn’s law director calms the fears of some by promising to give safety forces the code to the drawbridge.
May 8-10: During the NFL draft, the Cleveland Browns select seven quarterbacks. Five get hurt the first day of minicamp, and one gets arrested. The team then trades for another quarterback, who gets hurt and arrested.
July 3: University of Akron President Jim Tressel, saying he wants to foster a new spirit of cooperation between town and gown, announces another ambitious UA building project: the construction of two arenas, one on campus and another downtown. The projected cost will bring UA’s 21st century capital expenditure total to $4.7 trillion.
July 5: FirstEnergy buys future naming rights to both UA arenas for a reported $4.7 trillion.
July 8: FirstEnergy announces the layoff of all 16,500 employees.
July 14: Exactly one year after Twinkies returned to the shelves of local grocery stores, the Coca-Cola Co. announces its 12-ounce bottles of Coke will once again contain cocaine.
July 17: Buoyed by the successful debut of its $13 million Grizzly Ridge exhibit — home to the lovable bears Jackson and Cheyenne — the Akron Zoo announces the creation of Dandy Hill, a large, fenced exhibit stocked entirely with animals named Don.
July 26: A prolonged power outage postpones the finals of the FirstEnergy All-American Soap Box Derby World Championship.
July 30: Hudson passes an ordinance requiring the eviction of any resident who can’t spell “hoity-toity.”
Aug. 2: The Bridgestone Invitational is moved from Firestone’s famed South Course to the North Course because of extensive damage done when Lindsey Vonn celebrates a Tiger Woods double-eagle by skiing down the 16th fairway, slaloming around the pin and plunging into the pond.
Aug. 30: After the closing of its mayor’s court puts a dent into the city’s budget, Cuyahoga Falls says it will sell naming rights to state Route 8. Stow is narrowly outbid by FirstEnergy.
Sept. 8: The Browns trade their entire 2015 draft for 37-year-old quarterback Tom Brady. During his first pregame warm-up, Brady blows out an ACL.
Oct. 10: Kelley Williams-Bolar wins the Harvard Foundation Humanitarian of the Year Award for her work on education reform.
Nov. 7: Don Robart, the mayor-elect of Cuyahoga Heights, vows to create “Ticket Village” to pump up the bottom line. He also declares that Heights police will ticket any car registered to a resident of Cuyahoga Falls.
Nov. 13: The Browns trade their entire 2016 and 2017 drafts to the Green Bay Packers for Aaron Rodgers. While leaving his news conference, Rodgers trips on a curb and suffers a career-ending back injury.
Nov. 17: FirstEnergy recalls all of its Ohio Energy Conservation Kits, saying the company has quit the energy business to concentrate on marketing.
Dec. 22: Following the team’s 17th consecutive 4-10 season, Cleveland Browns head coach Jim Tressel “resigns,” saying he no longer has the energy to work two jobs. Owner Jimmy Haslam vows to find the ideal coach to replace him.
Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or firstname.lastname@example.org.