Happy Earth Day!
Great to see that our local universities are doing their part.
For instance, anyone who has been following the local news knows that the presidential search committee at Kent State has been shredding and recycling documents faster than the Nixon White House.
In light of that development, some of the stories currently posted on KSU’s official website have taken on new meaning.
Or at least funnier meaning.
“With spring in the air, many people already have started some spring cleaning and tackling piles of clutter they no longer need,” begins one story.
“What is the best way to dispose of the garbage that seems to multiply at this time of the year? ... The EPA encourages conservation, composting and recycling. Kent State University is certainly doing its part.”
Yes, it certainly is. Even if Kent State also appears to be violating state laws about documenting the spending of public money.
The story is accompanied by a photo of a man in a white hard hat sweeping up a floor of shredded paper. Behind him are huge bales of shredded paper stacked to more than twice his height.
The caption doesn’t say whether the guy is a member of the search committee.
The interpreter for Akron RubberDucks pitcher Joe Colon, a native of Puerto Rico, is the Ducks’ hitting coach, Rouglas Odor. Put their jerseys side by side and, unfortunately, you get Colon Odor.
Work in progress
As we told you right out of the chute, we need time to iron out all of the kinks in our completely redesigned website, Ohio.com.
One of the early missteps involved the arrangement of headlines on the left side of the home page. Because of insufficient width, most of them were truncated. In order to read the entire head, you had to place your cursor on top of each one.
We fixed that late last week by giving each headline multiple lines of type, rather than just one.
While we were still half-headed, so to speak, creative reader Mark Alvater took a look at one of our lists and let his imagination loose. Here are the shortened headlines he saw and his interpretation of them.
“Ohio Justice: Division over death pen”
If we can’t unite against death pens, we’re in real trouble.
“Tressel touts Mahoning Valley ties”
I guess he’s moved on from Columbus-area sweater vests.
“Stark deputies investigating horses”
Witnesses report that the suspect had a long face.
Robert Creswell snail-mailed a fun riff on vanity license plates.
He’s not a fan. The Akron resident believes the willingness of so many drivers to cough up extra money for custom plates has given the Bureau of Motor Vehicles the courage to pump up the cost of regular plates.
After citing nine examples of incredibly self-absorbed motorists he has spotted this year — among them “IAMHOTT” and “IM2GD4U” — he concludes, “I wouldn’t trade a new vanity plate for the 25-year-old plate on my 35-year-old Chevy Impala (200,000-plus miles), because the numbers are so faded they can’t be read by speed cameras.
“Of course, to be honest, 20 mph is the car’s top speed anyway.”
A writer who will remain anonymous — only because he or she didn’t sign his/her name — unleashed a verbal rant worthy of Howard Beale, the fictional (but prescient) anchorman in the film Network who was “mad as hell” and wasn’t going to take it anymore.
This person devoted four — yes, four — handwritten pages to telling me that he/she detests when TV newscasters hold a ballpoint pen in their fingers, which, according to him/her, is pretty much all of the time.
This hatred has gone on long enough that he/she has been collecting photographic evidence. He/she sent clipped-out photos of Tom Brokaw, Savannah Guthrie, Matt Lauer and Ron Burgundy (aka Will Ferrell).
The letter concluded, “If a person does not have enough poise and confidence in himself or herself to deliver the news without this object, they should be in another line of business.”
Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or email@example.com.