By Bob Dyer
Beacon Journal columnist
After the winter we’ve had, I’m surprised so many people have maintained their sense of humor.
Multiple readers called my attention to a recent classified ad in our favorite newspaper:
“For 7th grade Student.
“Contact for hours and wages: 330-926-[XXXX].”
Apparently, the apple fell directly under the tree.
But reader Bob Belfance had a different take.
“Bearing in mind that the Tudors were the ruling royal family of England from 1485 until 1603, I think it will be most difficult to dig up a Tudor in this day and age.”
As we reported Wednesday, a lockdown at Hudson High School was called off after a “suspicious man” wearing a black trench coat and ski mask and carrying a briefcase was identified as having legitimate business at the school.
Apparently, the trench coat was made from an inferior brand of wool.
As a co-worker noted, some things that aren’t suspicious elsewhere would stand out in Hudson — say, the presence of a used car in the student parking lot.
Interesting police report from Stow:
“A 20-year-old Maplewood Road man was charged with driving under suspension and possession of drug-abuse instruments. During his arrest, hypodermic needles were found in the man’s buttocks.”
The report didn’t indicate whether the needles were sticking out of the man’s cheeks, or resting vertically between his cheeks, or held horizontally under his cheeks. Which is probably just as well.
Regardless of the precise positioning, this is not, as a colleague noted, a great way to “stow” one’s drugs.
Over the top
If the first big speech by new Cuyahoga Falls Mayor Don Walters was not written by former state rep Steve Dyer, it could have been.
Dyer — NO RELATION — once intoned, “I look forward to the day that we can once again soar upon the wings of our innovation and take our rightful place among the stars.”
In that same spirit of excessive ornamentation, Walters unleashed this comment last week during his State of the City address:
“The potential of our town along the winding Cuyahoga River is as boundless as our will to keep the stream of progress and ideas flowing steadily over the rocky challenges ahead, uniting us all in a powerful current that will move our community forward.”
Now that’s a mouthful.
We’ll chalk this one up to an admirable enthusiasm for a new job. But please — no more channeling Steve Dyer.
If you’re tired of looking at Akron Mayor Don Plusquellic, things could be a lot worse.
Residents of Apopka, Fla., have been looking at the same face for 61 years.
No joke. The mayor of Apopka, John Land, is 93 — and recently filed paperwork to run for his 20th term.
He has been unopposed since 2002. But this time, things are different. Four candidates have lined up, barking about the ban on Sunday liquor sales, the huge number of red-light cameras and a lifeless downtown.
Of the upcoming campaign battle, Land told the Orlando Sentinel, “We’ll have a good hoo-rah.”
Shock and awe
Man about town Ron Syroid was reminiscing awhile back about the 50th anniversary of the Akron Civic Theatre.
It took place April 20, 1979, and went something like this.
Estelle Ruth, 83, the legendary organist, was to fire up the Mighty Wurlitzer for the evening performance, as she had on opening night.
She arrived that afternoon to rehearse.
Meanwhile, says Syroid, “a judge and jury needed to view Debbie Does Dallas to determine whether the Art Theater was presenting an obscene movie. Akron had very few 35-mm film houses, so Randy Hemming, the executive director, permitted them to view it at the Civic the afternoon of the anniversary.
“The house was completely dark to save costs.
“Estelle arrived with her evening dress draped over her arm, and Patti Eddy, executive secretary, led her down the aisle to the dressing room.
“Miss Ruth, being guided carefully through the theater, looked up at Debbie and kept repeating, ‘Oh my! Oh my!’ ”
Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or firstname.lastname@example.org.