Before Mark Farrar became a father, he had a pretty good idea of what to expect. His pre-parenthood fantasies included giggles and hugs, trips to the park and becoming absorbed by his child's wide-eyed enthusiasm for discovering things.
His visions never included a toddler who didn't want to play with other children, emitted ''spine-tingling shrieks'' when his routine was upset and obsessed over Thomas the Tank Engine to the exclusion of any other toy or video.
There were no physical traits to suggest anything was wrong with little Kyle. He walked OK and talked just fine, although Mark and his wife, Meghan, thought it peculiar that Kyle always responded to questions by repeating the question.
They decided their son had a ''quirky'' personality, but the more time they spent around other children — on a play date or at a birthday party — the more he ''stuck out like a sore thumb,'' Mark said.
Soon after Kyle turned 3 years old, a pediatric neurosurgeon confirmed what his distraught parents were beginning to suspect: He was autistic.
Kyle is almost 5 now. On a recent day, he sat in an overstuffed chair with his two siblings, snuggling with his 5-year-old adopted sister, Maia, and sharing a book with his 2-year-old brother, Luke. He eagerly greeted a visitor at the door, and ran from room to room playing like any youngster his age.
Understanding Asperger's syndrome, the mild form of autism that Kyle has, has enabled the Farrars to develop practices that keep him in a comfortable routine while expanding his ability to socialize.
This year, Mark has taken that ''knowledge is power'' theme to his workplace.
As a sergeant with the Akron Police Department, he holds classes to teach fellow officers and dispatchers how to recognize
and interact with someone who has autism.
The whole experience has made him a better police officer, he said.
''You come in contact with a wide variety of people, and it helps me deal better with all kinds of things,'' he said. ''I've also had to teach myself patience.''
It has also made him a better citizen. On Saturday, the Farrars, their children and a dozen family members participated in an Akron Walks for Autismfundraiser, collecting $700 in pledges for the Greater Akron Autism Society.
But on Father's Day, his family will celebrate how having a child with autism has made him a better dad.
Hope for the future
Meghan fought with her emotions for a full minute before trying to explain what it has meant to have Mark as a partner in this unexpected struggle.
''He's been more than words can describe,'' she said. '' . . . I'm so grateful to have him in my life, and I think the kids are so very lucky to have him as a father.''
If you have to be autistic, Asperger's is the condition you want, Mark said.
It is a high-functioning form of autism, and the stress level in the Farrar house has gone down as Mark and Meghan have come to realize their son can have a pretty normal life. Maybe even extraordinary.
Mark said he was inspired watching James Durbin, who has Asperger's, rise to fourth place in this year's American Idol singing contest. He also recently finished a biography about the autistic scientist Temple Grandin, named one of Time magazine's ''100 most influential people in the world'' last year.
In addition to awkward social interaction and repetitive behavior, autism has heightened Kyle's senses to the point of occasional overload, Mark said.
He once clung to his dad when the lights were shut off at a birthday party for the candle-blowing ritual, and screamed when his mom tried to put on a sweater that must have felt like sandpaper.
Those sensitivities cause autistic people to want to ''turn inward, but you can't let them hide behind their autism,'' Mark said. ''You have to take them out of that world and engage them all the time.''
Overcoming challenges
But before there was hope, there was near-hopelessness.
In those early months, after being asked to leave a library activity because Kyle was screaming, Mark and Meghan started withdrawing themselves.
''We stopped going to parties and social events. We stayed home because Kyle was more comfortable here,'' Meghan said.
The Farrars already had begun the process of adopting Maia from China when they learned Kyle was autistic, and that brought with it new fears, including how Kyle would handle this addition to the family.
''We could have backed out, but we were financially and emotionally committed at that point,'' Mark said.
They prepared Kyle by repeatedly telling him stories about Maia and showing him pictures of his soon-to-be sister. When Maia arrived last summer, Kyle immediately was smitten.
Today, Mark is eager to share his experiences, both heartbreaking and uplifting.
Having Kyle in his life has made Mark feel responsible for making the world a better place for his children.
Last year he attended a class about law enforcement and autism in Cleveland and asked his supervisors whether he could give such a class in Akron.
Since January, he has held 25 sessions to help officers identify when they are talking to someone with autism, or understand why an autistic child might wander off, or how to handle giving a ticket to an autistic motorist who becomes upset.
Lt. Jerry Hughes, commander of the Akron Police Department's training bureau, said Farrar's program ''has been an absolute hit'' and Hughes has submitted it as a potential statewide in-service program.
Changing tactics
Diagnosed cases of autism have been growing — it has been reported that 1.5 million Americans are afflicted — and police more frequently must deal with it, Hughes said.
Among other things, understanding the developmental disorder ''has taught me to take my time and give people more time to express themselves,'' he said.
That lesson extends to other neurological issues, like dementia.
''You learn to understand why some people don't act the way you expect them to act,'' Hughes said.
Mark said many officers have put their new knowledge to use and have sought him out to share successful experiences.
''I can't tell you how much it means to me,'' Mark said, ''that it's making them better police officers, too.''
Paula Schleis can be reached at 330-996-3741 or pschleis@thebeaconjournal.com. Follow her on Twitter at http://twitter.com/paulaschleis.
