“The new phone books are here! The new phone books are here!”
In case you’re not a fan of comedian Steve Martin, that quote comes from a clueless character in a movie called The Jerk.
Martin plays a jerk named Navin, the only person on the planet who thinks the arrival of new phone books is cause for celebration.
Well, at the risk of being mistaken for Navin: “The new Bob Dyer book is here! The new Bob Dyer book is here!”
Yes, I’m a lot more excited about it than anyone else on the planet. But, hey, this is my column! I can use exclamation points wherever I want and be excited about anything at all!
That sort of unassailable logic is evident throughout the new tome, Blimp Pilot Terrorizes Akron and Other Hot Air from Columnist Bob Dyer.
The 246-page pile of words has been published by Gray & Co. of Cleveland, the same outfit that issued my previous two books, including Omar!, a collaboration with former Indians shortstop Omar Vizquel.
Because that book landed on the New York Times best-seller list in the summer of 2002, Gray apparently felt obligated to humor me by putting out a collection of my best columns.
We came up with 77 of them. Which means, I guess, that in my 29 years at the Beacon Journal, I’m averaging 2.7 decent columns a year.
I think this book would make a great gift for Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa and New Year’s!
Exclamation points all around!
The easiest way to lay your hands on a copy is by going to www.grayco.com/thebeaconjournalstore/.
Keeping it short
Bob: I enjoyed your column regarding acronyms.
Please don’t misunderstand; I have great respect for our armed forces. However, it is undeniable that the military has a great penchant for acronyms.
I served in the Army many years ago. I remember after BT and AIT, my first PCS was within USARPAC. From there it was to USARV. While there, I went TDY for one week to Bien Hoa before I DESORSed back to the CONUS, all the while looking forward to my eventual ETS.
John: Thanks for saving newspaper space while describing your military career.
I also appreciate you sending an article from the March/April 2007 issue of Field Artillery Journal. Who knew there was a publication called Field Artillery Journal?
I didn’t have time to count all of the acronyms in the three-page story, but I was relieved to learn on the first page that the AETF will execute along three distinct LOOs for the development of the BFCT, and that they will support the evaluation of selected FCS initiatives and convert the AEFT structure to become the first FBCT.
As you were.
From a recent Fairlawn police report:
“An Akron woman, 23, was charged with drug abuse after an officer reported finding her smoking marijuana in the fire lane of Summit Mall.”
If not in the fire lane, where?
The local minor-league baseball team isn’t the only Northeast Ohio sports franchise taking heat lately.
Some recent interior decorating touches at the Browns’ headquarters in Berea seem just as buffoonish as naming the Indians’ AA affiliate the Akron RubberDucks.
The website Deadspin blew the whistle on the Browns’ summertime renovations, hammering the team like a ’roided-up linebacker.
In an attempt to inspire the players, the Browns filled the facility’s walls with quotes by famous people. Problem is, most of the quotes are misquotes.
Deadspin’s final tally: Four correct, nine incorrect and one uncertain.
Which is just about in line with the team’s record on the field.
Among the atrocities is this one, attributed to Thomas Jefferson:
“I’m a great believer in luck, and I find that the harder I work, the more I have of it.”
As Deadspin notes, “Thomas Jefferson never said this. [It is] from a 1947 passage that appeared in Reader’s Digest by F.L. Emerson. ... The original phrasing was, ‘I’m a great believer in luck. The harder I work, the more of it I seem to have.’ ”
For proof the quote is misattributed, we turn to the closest thing we have to Jefferson’s own website, www.monticello.org: “Neither this statement nor any variations thereof have ever been found in Thomas Jefferson’s writings.”
The Browns even put false words in the mouth of Mother Teresa, claiming she said, “Be faithful in small things, it is in them your strength lies.”
Deadspin leads us to the official Mama T website, which says those words never passed through her lips or her pen.
Naturally, this blockbuster expose has led to considerable fun at the Browns’ expense.
Cleveland radio and newspaper wag Mike McIntyre was among those suggesting additional quotes for the team’s walls:
“Two things are infinite: the universe and Metcalf up the middle. And I’m not sure about the universe.” — Einstein.
Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or email@example.com.