A reader in Medina thought I might get a kick out of a recent item in the Eastern Medina Post.
I did. You might, too.
Montville Township Police:
“A maintenance worker at a Brompton Drive address reportedly stated that he was throwing something away in a trash receptacle when he noticed one of the garbage bags inside was moving.
“He thought it might be an animal, so he cut the bag open. Inside was a white male, who then climbed out of the trash receptacle.
“The man appeared to be in good health and had no obvious marks or cuts on him. The worker asked him what he was doing and the male would only keep his head down and repeatedly say, ‘I’m sorry.’
“The worker told him to get out of the area, and the man walked to a silver Chevy Impala and drove away.”
Now, this raises any number of questions, not the least of which is this: Exactly how does a person tie himself inside a garbage bag?
As far as I know, even Harry Houdini, who was able to extricate himself from all manner of unhealthy predicaments, never managed to bag himself.
Beacon Journal copy editor and history guru Mark Price has a keen eye for the bizarre. The other day he sent me this email:
Come to our Clothing Optional Sex Party in Akron, Ohio
Hi, my friends and I rented a hotel room in Akron, Ohio.
We are going to have a clothing optional sex party in our hotel room.
This party is going to be a blast, you don’t want to miss it.
You are welcome to just watch if you do not want to participate in the sex.
Go to [website withheld] and search for our sex party in Akron, Ohio and you will see it.
I posted more info and the room number on the site.
If you have any questions let me know.
When I asked Mr. Price exactly how he had acquired this bit of local flavor, he said, “It was in my spam filter. I knew it was a scam because it said there was a hotel in Akron.”
Harry Gregory of Streetsboro had no quarrel with the content of a special advertising section in his favorite newspaper. It featured color photographs of 274 area newborns, all of whom made their worldwide debuts in 2013.
But he was a bit taken aback by the headline on the front of the section:
“Acme Fresh Market Baby Sale!”
He viewed that as a sign of the apocalypse: “The black market sales are coming out into the open.”
You just can’t beat the police reports coming out of Medina Township.
“Officers stopped a vehicle after receiving a call that the driver of a truck in the township was a suspected copper thief. It turns out the man was a homeowner who had removed a water softener from his residence.”
Alan Hess doesn’t have a problem with the sentiment expressed by a fellow resident of Green who wants to name the city’s new central park after late Fire Chief Mikele Calderone.
The man proposed naming the $5 million project “Mike Calderone Central Park of Green.”
Perhaps thinking about the recent name change for Metro Parks, Serving Summit County, Hess says, “What would be wrong with just plain ‘Calderone Park?’ ”
That would be wrong because we don’t do things that way around here. We start with a ridiculous and/or excessively long name and then whittle it down much later.
William Miller of Akron might have gotten just a little too worked up about a recent news note about an educational exhibit at Summa City Hospital.
“Wow!” he wrote. “A tour through an inflatable colon!
“They don’t make you drink anything special before the tour, do they?
“Maybe they should. Then you could just slide through, or at least work your way through.
“I hope they told people to be careful on the tour. If someone were to slip and fall ... well that would create a blockage. And that could get real messy!
“ ... Interesting idea, but I will have to ‘pass’ on this one.”
Multiple readers inquired about an item on the North Canton police blotter.
“An air compressor, 6,000 cotton swabs and other items, total value $1,730, were reported stolen by a Ninth Street Northwest man.”
What, you don’t have an air compressor in your house?
Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or firstname.lastname@example.org.