If you’ve already read or heard this somewhere else, that’s too (bleeping) bad, because I’m gonna tell you about it anyway.
And you’re going to like it.
A study conducted by a Seattle marketing company claims Ohioans use more profanity than residents of any other state in the union.
We also rank fifth in rudeness.
Those conclusions were drawn by an outfit called Marchex, which sells advertising to businesses that rely heavily on customers calling directly after smartphone searches.
The company examined more than 600,000 calls between consumers and companies and, using voice-recognition software, tallied uncouth words that start with such letters as A, F and S.
Talk about Ohio pride! We might not top any of those lists of the best places to find jobs or the best places to retire, but bleeping-A, man, we sure know how to swear!
The “politeness” scale scanned the same conversations for “please” and “thank you” — and found us sorely lacking.
The person who wrote the report for Marchex is an Ohio native who was surprised by the results. (As he put it: “WTF?”)
But the people who seem the most skeptical of the study’s methodology are those who live in New York City, long believed to be the unrivaled bastion of rude and crude.
A woman writing for the New York Daily News sounded downright disappointed that her “famously abrasive New Yorkers” had finished behind “residents of the Buckeye State, who have the reputation of being God-fearing goodie-two-shoes.”
Yeah, right, lady. Take your Big Apple and jam it.
I’m thinking it’s time to tell the world who we really are. Maybe change our license plates again. This time: “Birthplace of (Bleeping) Aviation.”
One of our editors recently fielded a phone call from a conspiracy theorist.
The caller hypothesized that most of the 30,000-plus Akron residents whose personal information was stolen from the city’s income-tax website by Turkish hackers were Republicans. The Democratic administration purposely left those names hanging out in cyberspace, the theory went, because the Dems wanted to inflict damage on their enemies.
“Sir,” replied the editor, “I don’t think there are even 3,000 Republicans in the city of Akron.”
“Hmm,” said the caller. “You may be right.”
The fellow in the previous item seems like a nuclear physicist compared to another person who called the newspaper in the wake of the same Turkish hacking story.
We had published information about things readers could do to determine whether their personal information had been compromised. Among the tips: Call the city’s 311 information line.
A woman who read the story dialed the Beacon Journal to ask for additional guidance:
“How do you reach 311?”
Apparently, the person in charge of publicity for a big public event in Cincinnati isn’t much of a sports fan.
Either that or she has been overimbibing.
In a news release plugging the “Tap ’N’ Run 4K Beer Run,” which featured a race, costumes and “beer chuggin,” she writes about the scenic route that has been laid out for the runners. They would pass by “both Reds and Bangles stadiums.”
The Cincinnati Bangles?
Perhaps the team’s fight song is Manic Sunday.
Is that a bunch of range balls in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
This from a recent police report:
“The owner of ‘A Bucket of Balls’ driving range across from Uniontown Police headquarters told officers that over a two-week period, 5,000 golf balls had been stolen from the driving range.”
That’s an average of 357 golf balls per day. Somebody must have a very large golf bag.
The loss was estimated at $2,500.
Obviously, the range isn’t stocked with Titleist Pro V1s.
Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or email@example.com.