If you’re still writing 2013 on your checks — wait, why are you handwriting checks in 2014? Get a computer!
But we digress. Before we have even ingressed.
Our subject today is the calendar, and how it can play tricks on us.
An Akron reader passed along an email containing a calendar for August 2014, along with the comment, “I know you like unusual things for your column.”
Indeed I do. Sometimes I even like them when they turn out to be usual.
Her missive was headlined, “This is the only time you [will] see this phenomenon in your life.”
August ’14, it said, “will have five Fridays, five Saturdays and five Sundays. This happens only once every 823 years.
“The Chinese call it ‘silver pockets full.’
“So send this message to your friends, and in four days money will surprise you.”
Knowledgeable Chinese actually call this “buffoonery.” At least if they’re fluent in a second language, and the second language is English.
This “phenomenon” occurs quite often. In fact, if you are older than 11, you have already encountered it, in 2003. And if you live another 11 years, you will encounter it again in August 2025.
But get a load of this: Next year, August will have five Saturdays, five Sundays and five Mondays! Wow! You will never see that phenomenon again in your entire life!
Well, unless you live six years beyond August 2015.
Odd taste in men
A reader who didn’t want certain people to know he had been prowling around on the dating site Match.com sent me a good one (a joke, not a date).
He wrote: “Is chivalry dead? Not for this lady. Or maybe she’s just looking for a guy who shivered through the below-zero temps of the polar vortex.”
This was the post he forwarded:
“I love life.....laughter.......simple things in life....if there is anything that you want to know about me.......just ask.......What I’m looking for is a gentleman that knows about old shivery and that’s not complicated in anyway...........”
Yes, “old shivery.”
Isn’t that a brand of whiskey?
OK, OK. Stop calling me.
Zippy is a “she.”
On Sunday, I responded to a reader who asked what the University of Akron’s mascot would think about Kent State offering a transportation service called Zipcars.
“I don’t speak Kangaroo,” I wrote, “but I think Zippy would appreciate you having his back. Or his pouch. Whatever.”
Now, I will concede that male members of a species don’t tend to carry newborns in pouches.
But are you sure that “pouch” isn’t actually a man purse?
And I’ll let you in on a little secret: Inside the first Zippy was a guy named Charles, and far more often than not, the people who have lurked beneath Zippy’s lovable exterior have been humans of the male persuasion.
But next time I’ll play along.
On the edge
A police report from Medina Township gave us the lowdown on a “suspicious vehicle.”
“Police saw a vehicle behind a closed business on Stonegate Drive. When officers approached the vehicle and asked what the occupants were doing, the driver replied, ‘Nothing good, but nothing criminal.’ They were advised to leave the area.”
Ah, yes. The truth will set you free.
An 11-year-old boy in Springfield Township apparently hasn’t been hanging out with the right kind of juvenile delinquents.
He was sent to juvy court after he was stopped leaving Walmart with “three 32-inch, flat-screen TVs.”
Not exactly subtle. The only thing more noticeable might have been “one 96-inch, flat-screen TV.”
Clearly, this kid needs to find a mentor who is more sophisticated at the art of shoplifting.
Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or firstname.lastname@example.org.