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Do IT this week: Layering
Tallmadge officials tape notes on graves saying decorations need to be removed
By Marilyn Miller
Beacon Journal staff writer
Published on Friday, Oct 03, 2008
TALLMADGE: Alyssa Ann Calaway's grave at Tallmadge Cemetery is fondly called ''her spot'' because it's where family and friends can visit often and leave memorabilia to help celebrate her life.
Purple flowers and a stepping stone with seashells collected by Alyssa three weeks before her death are on the grave. There's a paper windmill from her brother, a letter she wrote about death and a little angel figurine.
But in three weeks those things will have to be removed.
The city of Tallmadge has decided to enforce existing rules and regulations about what can be on the graves, and last week placed notices on the cemetery's headstones to let visitors know.
''This is something we have been allowed to do for the past six years,'' said Alyssa's mother, Sarah Calaway of Rootstown. ''It's wrong and incredibly cold-hearted.
Alyssa Ann Calaway died on Sept. 12, 2002, of myocarditis, a viral infection that attacks the heart. It is a common cause of sudden death in children. Alyssa
was 8 years old.
A fundraiser called Alyssa's Hike for the Hearts was held Sept. 20. In four years, the annual event has raised $80,000 for research on how to recognize the early symptoms of viral myocarditis.
Sarah Calaway said the family chose to bury Alyssa in Tallmadge Cemetery because it was close to where they used to live and a location convenient for family members to visit. She and her husband, Steve, and their children, Stephen and Emma, also have plots there.
''There is someone there at least four times a week maintaining, weeding and making sure 'her spot' is presentable and neat,'' Calaway said.
Many other graves at the cemetery also are adorned with shrubbery, flowers and memorabilia.
But city officials claim the grave-site cleanup is nothing new.
''There has been no change — the rules and regulations have always been there,'' said David Kline, Tallmadge's public service director, who oversees the cemetery. ''This is part of our fall cleanup. It's a normal cleanup process at the cemetery. We aren't trying to be mean to anybody.''
Kline said the rules have been in place for the 10 years he has been with the city and the eight years his predecessor was there.
''I will say, maybe we have been more lax with the rules in the past,'' he said.
The Calaway family wants to know why the rules are being enforced now.
''I want to know what precipitated this,'' said Alyssa's grandfather, David Homsher of Tallmadge. ''I can remember cutting through the cemetery as a shortcut when I was in junior high school and seeing all the shrubbery and memorabilia at grave sites in this cemetery.
''It's one of the reasons why we purchased lots here. We only mimicked what was being done at the cemetery for years.''
Homsher said he called his council representative and plans to attend next week's city council meeting to get some answers.
His daughter, Sarah Calaway, also plans to do that.
''I'm going to address city council and tell them how unfair the enforcement of these rules is,'' Calaway said. ''They plan on ripping out everything surrounding the stones just so that they can mow easier.''
She also was troubled by the way families were notified of the policy — the notice was folded in little plastic bags that were taped to each headstone in the cemetery.
''When we read the notice, we just started crying,'' said Mary Homsher, Alyssa's grandmother. ''A sign with the rules and regulations was only posted two years ago, and nothing was enforced at that time. We feel we should have been grandfathered in, if the rules changed.''
Calaway said the notification of the changes should have been more personal, like in a letter mailed out to relatives.
But Judy Looman, of the Tallmadge Building and Zoning Department, said taping notices to the graves was the only feasible way of handling the situation.
''We notified out there because we have no way of contacting people after burials,'' Looman said. ''Ninety-nine percent of the relatives are not local people, and we have no way of making any verbal contact.''
Calaway said she feels like the family's way to grieve Alyssa's death has been violated.
''I don't have my daughter to hug and hold and take care of,'' she said. ''All I have is a small grassy area to leave flowers and trinkets that remind me of her. I feel like they are taking away one more piece of what I have left.''
Marilyn Miller can be reached at 330-996-3098 or mmiller@thebeaconjournal.com.
TALLMADGE: Alyssa Ann Calaway's grave at Tallmadge Cemetery is fondly called ''her spot'' because it's where family and friends can visit often and leave memorabilia to help celebrate her life.
Get the full article here.
Comments
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Posted 06:19 AM, 10/03/2008
The worst thing about this whole deal is not everyone in the cemetery got a litle undated letter taped to their headstone-they picked just certain ones to target. Come on, Tallmadge-what is the deal??? Enforce all or none!!
Akron, OH
Posted 07:29 AM, 10/03/2008
Jes' when we think we have heard them all, we hear about a family that thinks they should be exempt from the rules of a cemetary. Mebbe they should consider a little memorial in their back yard.
Posted 08:10 AM, 10/03/2008
Rules are rules. If Tallmadge has to enforce the rules, there is a big problem.
Tallmadge, OH
Posted 08:28 AM, 10/03/2008
I feel for the family, but rules are rules. If Dave Kline decides to enforce them, then clean up your gravesite and follow the rules. You can still do a good job honoring the dead person under the rules.
Kent, OH
Posted 09:23 AM, 10/03/2008
If they visit their daughter's grave four times a week for six years, perhaps cemetery rules are the least of their problems. Somebody needs grief counseling and to move ahead with their life.
Posted 09:38 AM, 10/03/2008
I live in Tallmadge, and I am getting sick of the Building and Zoning department. I make it my life's goal to defy them, now.
Posted 11:38 AM, 10/03/2008
This is not sad to me. This family thinks that their loved one is more important than all the other loved ones buried here and they try and prove it. I am one who would complain about all the garb surrounding some sites. I follow rules. But that does not mean I am not visiting or that I have forgotten the dead. I also agree with Bill above.
Akron, OH
Posted 11:44 AM, 10/03/2008
Guess Tallmadge officials decided, "That's the last straw."
Akron, OH
Posted 11:50 AM, 10/03/2008
From what I've noticed in cemeteries, the graves of children tend to be more heavily "decorated" than others. For families who have suffered the horror of losing a child, creating a small memorial at the grave is comforting to them. Except for the issue of mowing and trimming, I don't see why these memorials are a problem. Perhaps there can be a specified time when families know they must remove the decorations so that the mowing and trimming can be done, and then be able to replace them? I understand they have rules, but maybe there can be some compromise by both sides here.
Akron, Oh
Posted 11:58 AM, 10/03/2008
All cemetaries have these rules and all people have obeyed these rules. This is not news and this family needs to grow up and stop playing victim. They are using this child's death as an excuse to make themselves "special" or "unique".
We live in a world of excuses and whiners
akron, oh
Posted 12:42 PM, 10/03/2008
David is right. A cemetary should not be turned into a trailer park. Does no one have any dignity anymore?
Posted 02:13 PM, 10/03/2008
Grief is different from one individual to the next. It is fortunate that most parents do not have to suffer the agony of burying their child, but for those who do let's respect their individual right to grieve in anyway that brings comfort to their loss.
Parents whose children have died are not whiners as David so politely stated, nor are they trying to destroy or impede on the grief of others. We do not see our grief as more important than that of others though it is different. While you have had the opportunity to celebrate life’s milestones with your loved ones we must celebrate with might have been and could have been.
Cemeteries where made for the living. This is where we go to remember and celebrate the lives of our loved ones. I find it difficult to believe that decorating a grave is interfering with anyone's memories.
Put yourselves in their shoes and imagine what impact there would be on your life if your child died and how you might grieve.
Akron, Oh
Posted 02:30 PM, 10/03/2008
We're not talking about all parents who lose a child, Nicole. We're talking about these parents and yes they are whiners. Please don't condescend to us. These parents went to the press to exploit their feelings and their child's death. We all realize that people do many things in different ways including greiveing. You miss the point. There are standards and boundaries in our culture. Of course losing a child is terrible but then again so is losing a spouse and a parent. Please do not qualify one loss above another.
Perhaps Nicole, you could benefit from some greif training or counseling. Looks like you could use the work.
akron, oh
Posted 03:02 PM, 10/03/2008
Nichole - A lot of things are 'different from one person to the next." So what? That does not mean you get to pick and choose which rules you abide by and which ones you do not. If less people like yourself thought that was how the world operated, the world would not me the mess it is today.
Akron, Oh
Posted 03:16 PM, 10/03/2008
Thanks Tim. You are the voice of honesty and reason. I remember when my mother lost my sister who was three days old. She was inconsolable and it tore my heart out to see her be that way. Nonetheless, my mother and my father abided by the rules of the funeral home and cemetery at that time. No one made my baby sister's death be about them to the extent they put on a hair shirt and went to the cheap tabloids like this tawdry publication.
Then, I lost my mom and two of my siblings went and planted shrubbery on her grave. My dad got a notice to pull the plant and he and I went to the cemetery 3 days after her death and followed the rules. I later heard my dad tell my sister and brother that they knew better and should not act like they were the first people to lose their mom. He added, "she didn't act that way when we lost our baby daughter". It's so refreshing to have parents who act like adults and can still greive.
Posted 03:25 PM, 10/03/2008
Many of you obviously have not read this article in its entirety--- The family isn't asking for "special rules"--they are asking that they be fair--and that they apply to EVERYONE.
Maybe you've never lost anyone close to you? especially a child. --there is nothing "sick" about remembering a child or anyone for that matter who has died by placing things on their grave. -- Losing someone you love-child or adult-- isn't something you just "get over".
You are missing the point of the article--The issue isn't the fact that the rules are being enforced, it is the issue that "certain people" were "exempt" from these rules and weren't issued the notices on their family members headstones.
Bottom line...If you are going to enforce rules --fine--but rules are rules for EVERYONE, not just a few here and there--
There are rules everywhere you go--that is understood, HOWEVER when the rules only apply to "some" and not "all"--then there is a problem.
Posted 04:04 PM, 10/03/2008
I certainly agree with Sarah. All you goofballs that think the issue is grief are very misinformed. The issue here is that Tallmadge let some people have walls, shrubs, a huge gazebo-whatever they want, without making them comply, while others got the letter taped to their stone. Fair is fair!! Everyone should have to comply-that is the issue here!!!!!
Posted 04:17 PM, 10/03/2008
At the cemetary where my loved ones are buried Wednesday is mowing day. Everything comes down by Tuesday night, or it gets tossed, and can be placed back on Thursday. It works out well for me, since I know the rules. I agree with some of the comments, some of the displays are gaudy, no dignity in the garish displays. Good luck to all!
akron, oh
Posted 04:36 PM, 10/03/2008
You process grief with dignity and restraint- NOT with knicknacks on a grave. (Or nailed to a telephone pole for that matter.) It is called class.
Posted 06:09 PM, 10/03/2008
Some people need to learn how to spell.
Posted 06:14 PM, 10/03/2008
It's "grief" David...
Akron, Oh
Posted 05:50 AM, 10/04/2008
Small people grow big over little things like typos. BTW, Sarah your sentence structure needs a little work.
Posted 09:56 AM, 10/04/2008
Small people also grow big by sitting at their computer all day eating donuts and doing nothing to interact with the real world, except blog all day on Ohio.com about something they have no idea about. Don't they, David?
