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How do I know you have too much time on your hands?
By Bob Dyer
Beacon Journal staff writer
POSTED: 05:20 p.m. EST, Nov 07, 2009
Misery, like everything else, is relative.
Yes, it's Nov. 8 and the Cleveland Browns have a grand total of one win.
Yes, it's halfway through the season and their offense is so inept that neither a running back nor a wide receiver has scored a single touchdown.
Yes, we're eight days away from hosting a Monday Night Football game, and the fans are so disgusted that the game might not sell out — which would result in a local television blackout.
The last time a MNF game was blacked out in the home market was way back on Jan. 3, 2000, in Atlanta, when the Falcons were wrapping up a 5-11 season against 4-12 San Francisco.
But things could be worse.
Well, not a lot worse. But somewhat worse.
Take the formative years of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Their first season, they went 0-14. Their next season, they started out 0-12. Twenty-six consecutive losses!
Fortunately, the head coach, John McKay, was a lot more entertaining than his team. When asked during a postgame news conference, ''What do you think about your team's execution?'' he replied, ''I'm all for it!''
See how much fun we could have if we simply reordered our priorities?
Being horrid is actually much more entertaining than simply being bad. Just ask Paul Mokeski, a member of the Cleveland Cavaliers teams that lost 24 consecutive games from the end of the 1981-82 season through the start of the following season — an NBA record that still stands.
Mokeski, now an assistant coach for the first-year Rio Grande Valley Vipers in the NBA's Developmental League, agrees.
''You never want to be associated with anything negative,'' he says with a laugh when asked whether he's happy to be in the record book for something, rather than nothing, ''but if you can't win a game, at least be entertaining when you lose.''
The media certainly had fun. The Beacon Journal's basketball writer during that era, Larry Pantages, referred to Cleveland's version of the sport as ''casketball.''
Sick joke
Everything about the Cavaliers of the early 1980s was hilarious — at least if you have a penchant for black humor.
The Teddy Bears — named after the owner, national laughingstock Ted Stepien — were quite likely the sorriest group of dancers in the history of professional sports. They not only were hopelessly out of sync but also quite cognizant of their considerable shortcomings, a deadly combination.
Halftime entertainment included polka music and a guy named Boot, whom a writer renamed Fat Guy Eating Beer Cans. He was. He did. Not the whole can; just a bite or two.
When a team starts to approach ''historically bad'' territory, an interesting dynamic develops among opposing teams.
''Once it gets going like that,'' said Mokeski, a 7-foot center who averaged four points in Cleveland, ''it's almost like [the unwritten baseball rule that] no one talks to the pitcher when he's pitching a no-hitter. It's like, 'We do not want to be the team that loses to them!'
''If you're an 'average bad' team, you can sneak up on other teams. But if you're bad enough, teams don't overlook you.''
Those hideous Cavaliers squads earned a wonderful nickname: the Cadavers. And that might be one of the keys to enjoying our current state of football affairs.
Remember when New Orleans Saints fans wore paper bags over their heads and referred to their team as the ''Ain'ts''?
Note to readers: Get to work on those Browns nicknames.
Rich history
At this point, we Northeast Ohioans should be among the world's foremost experts on athletic incompetence. Not only do the Cavs hold the NBA record for consecutive losses, but we're also the best losers in the history of pro baseball.
The 1899 Cleveland Spiders, the forerunner of today's Indians, lost 24 consecutive games. They finished the season with a mark of 20-134 — a mere 84 games out of first place.
Although that glorious season has remained unsurpassed for more than a century, plenty of other Cleveland teams have served time in the same general neighborhood.
In fact, when he was writing for the Baltimore Sun during the late 1980s, Tim Kurkjian, now a baseball analyst for ESPN, did some research and declared the Beacon Journal's Sheldon Ocker ''the losing-est beat writer in the country.''
Poor Sheldon covered the Cavs from 1971 through 1981 — overall record: 354-466, a winning percentage of .431 — then switched to the Indians, who from 1981 through 1989 averaged 89 losses a year.
''It was quite an honor,'' Ocker quips. ''But I've probably lost out by now.'' Curse those late-1990s Indians!
Being assigned to a big-time loser is ''hard to live with but easy to cover,'' Ocker says. In other words, it's tough to be around people who are always on edge, but ''there's usually more [interesting] stuff going on when you're losing.''
For proof, look no further than the 2009 Browns. How often do you have the pleasure of watching postgame interviews in which the starting quarterback (Derek Anderson) says he has no idea what the offense is trying to do and the star running back (Jamal Lewis) says he's so bummed out that he plans to retire at the end of the season at the premature age of 30?
That sure beats watching coach Forrest Gregg impersonate a statue during one of those six-win Browns seasons in the 1970s.
Lingering odors
Envy the baseball fans in Pittsburgh. This past season the Pirates set the major-league record with 17 consecutive losing seasons. Woo-hoo!
The Browns, Cavs and Indians have a long way to go to top that mark. And there doesn't seem to be much hope of competing for all-time atrocities, either. The role model in that department is the Philadelphia Phillies, who, in a stunning aberration, appeared in the last two World Series.
During their 126-year history, the Phils have lost 10,167 games. In order to catch them, the Indians would have to lose every game and the Phils win every game for the next 91/2 seasons.
Nor are we close to a record in terms of lopsided rivalries. You think the Browns are struggling against the Pittsburgh Steelers, losing nine consecutive games? Well, just last month, La Salle-Peru High School in Illinois ended its football losing streak when it beat Geneseo High for the first time in 90 years.
Seriously. Played Geneseo continuously since 1919 — sometimes twice during the same season — and never won a game until now.
You say the Browns have lost their last two games by the lopsided scores of 31-3 and 30-6? Big deal. In 1916, Cumberland College in Tennessee was ''edged'' by Georgia Tech, 222-0.
Tech didn't score every time it touched the ball, but it did score within three plays on every possession, despite not throwing a single pass. Tech's runners gained 978 yards.
Cumberland's alums can point proudly to their school at the top of the record book. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for our local Springfield High football team, which started to make a name for itself in 2005, assembling a losing streak of 34 games — 12th longest in Ohio history — before running out of steam in this year's season opener.
The 2009 Browns might not be setting records, but you've got to give them kudos for trying.
So, please, fellow sports fans, let's all slow down and smell the thorns.
Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or bdyer@thebeaconjournal.com.
Misery, like everything else, is relative.
Yes, it's Nov. 8 and the Cleveland Browns have a grand total of one win.
Yes, it's halfway through the season and their offense is so inept that neither a running back nor a wide receiver has scored a single touchdown.
Yes, we're eight days away from hosting a Monday Night Football game, and the fans are so disgusted that the game might not sell out — which would result in a local television blackout.
The last time a MNF game was blacked out in the home market was way back on Jan. 3, 2000, in Atlanta, when the Falcons were wrapping up a 5-11 season against 4-12 San Francisco.
But things could be worse.
Well, not a lot worse. But somewhat worse.
Take the formative years of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Their first season, they went 0-14. Their next season, they started out 0-12. Twenty-six consecutive losses!
Fortunately, the head coach, John McKay, was a lot more entertaining than his team. When asked during a postgame news conference, ''What do you think about your team's execution?'' he replied, ''I'm all for it!''
See how much fun we could have if we simply reordered our priorities?
Being horrid is actually much more entertaining than simply being bad. Just ask Paul Mokeski, a member of the Cleveland Cavaliers teams that lost 24 consecutive games from the end of the 1981-82 season through the start of the following season — an NBA record that still stands.
Mokeski, now an assistant coach for the first-year Rio Grande Valley Vipers in the NBA's Developmental League, agrees.
''You never want to be associated with anything negative,'' he says with a laugh when asked whether he's happy to be in the record book for something, rather than nothing, ''but if you can't win a game, at least be entertaining when you lose.''
The media certainly had fun. The Beacon Journal's basketball writer during that era, Larry Pantages, referred to Cleveland's version of the sport as ''casketball.''
Sick joke
Everything about the Cavaliers of the early 1980s was hilarious — at least if you have a penchant for black humor.
The Teddy Bears — named after the owner, national laughingstock Ted Stepien — were quite likely the sorriest group of dancers in the history of professional sports. They not only were hopelessly out of sync but also quite cognizant of their considerable shortcomings, a deadly combination.
Halftime entertainment included polka music and a guy named Boot, whom a writer renamed Fat Guy Eating Beer Cans. He was. He did. Not the whole can; just a bite or two.
When a team starts to approach ''historically bad'' territory, an interesting dynamic develops among opposing teams.
''Once it gets going like that,'' said Mokeski, a 7-foot center who averaged four points in Cleveland, ''it's almost like [the unwritten baseball rule that] no one talks to the pitcher when he's pitching a no-hitter. It's like, 'We do not want to be the team that loses to them!'
''If you're an 'average bad' team, you can sneak up on other teams. But if you're bad enough, teams don't overlook you.''
Those hideous Cavaliers squads earned a wonderful nickname: the Cadavers. And that might be one of the keys to enjoying our current state of football affairs.
Remember when New Orleans Saints fans wore paper bags over their heads and referred to their team as the ''Ain'ts''?
Note to readers: Get to work on those Browns nicknames.
Rich history
At this point, we Northeast Ohioans should be among the world's foremost experts on athletic incompetence. Not only do the Cavs hold the NBA record for consecutive losses, but we're also the best losers in the history of pro baseball.
The 1899 Cleveland Spiders, the forerunner of today's Indians, lost 24 consecutive games. They finished the season with a mark of 20-134 — a mere 84 games out of first place.
Although that glorious season has remained unsurpassed for more than a century, plenty of other Cleveland teams have served time in the same general neighborhood.
In fact, when he was writing for the Baltimore Sun during the late 1980s, Tim Kurkjian, now a baseball analyst for ESPN, did some research and declared the Beacon Journal's Sheldon Ocker ''the losing-est beat writer in the country.''
Poor Sheldon covered the Cavs from 1971 through 1981 — overall record: 354-466, a winning percentage of .431 — then switched to the Indians, who from 1981 through 1989 averaged 89 losses a year.
''It was quite an honor,'' Ocker quips. ''But I've probably lost out by now.'' Curse those late-1990s Indians!
Being assigned to a big-time loser is ''hard to live with but easy to cover,'' Ocker says. In other words, it's tough to be around people who are always on edge, but ''there's usually more [interesting] stuff going on when you're losing.''
For proof, look no further than the 2009 Browns. How often do you have the pleasure of watching postgame interviews in which the starting quarterback (Derek Anderson) says he has no idea what the offense is trying to do and the star running back (Jamal Lewis) says he's so bummed out that he plans to retire at the end of the season at the premature age of 30?
That sure beats watching coach Forrest Gregg impersonate a statue during one of those six-win Browns seasons in the 1970s.
Lingering odors
Envy the baseball fans in Pittsburgh. This past season the Pirates set the major-league record with 17 consecutive losing seasons. Woo-hoo!
The Browns, Cavs and Indians have a long way to go to top that mark. And there doesn't seem to be much hope of competing for all-time atrocities, either. The role model in that department is the Philadelphia Phillies, who, in a stunning aberration, appeared in the last two World Series.
During their 126-year history, the Phils have lost 10,167 games. In order to catch them, the Indians would have to lose every game and the Phils win every game for the next 91/2 seasons.
Nor are we close to a record in terms of lopsided rivalries. You think the Browns are struggling against the Pittsburgh Steelers, losing nine consecutive games? Well, just last month, La Salle-Peru High School in Illinois ended its football losing streak when it beat Geneseo High for the first time in 90 years.
Seriously. Played Geneseo continuously since 1919 — sometimes twice during the same season — and never won a game until now.
You say the Browns have lost their last two games by the lopsided scores of 31-3 and 30-6? Big deal. In 1916, Cumberland College in Tennessee was ''edged'' by Georgia Tech, 222-0.
Tech didn't score every time it touched the ball, but it did score within three plays on every possession, despite not throwing a single pass. Tech's runners gained 978 yards.
Cumberland's alums can point proudly to their school at the top of the record book. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for our local Springfield High football team, which started to make a name for itself in 2005, assembling a losing streak of 34 games — 12th longest in Ohio history — before running out of steam in this year's season opener.
The 2009 Browns might not be setting records, but you've got to give them kudos for trying.
So, please, fellow sports fans, let's all slow down and smell the thorns.
Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or bdyer@thebeaconjournal.com.
Comments
Click here to post your comments
churchview, va
Posted 09:17 PM, 11/07/2009
The Browns are just proving that what people have been saying about Cleveland for years, that is a losers city. I am a fan of the Browns but definetly not a proud fan, more like an apathetic fan. A fan who is trying to find another team to replace this bunch of Clowns, but old habits die hard. As fans we have no reason to have any hope for this franchise.
Akron, Oh
Posted 06:14 AM, 11/08/2009
The Browns DO have a nickname-the clowns.
That said it all.
Akron, OH
Posted 06:44 AM, 11/08/2009
That was one of the best Dyer articles in a while.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJN3PGqDRNg
akron, oh
Posted 08:17 AM, 11/08/2009
A good column by Dyer. Hardly front page stuff though.
I watched Ohio State take a National Championship, went to one of the Indians World Series games, and have been to Cavs games that were historic and wouldn't trade my Cardiac Kids days for anything.
Eventually the Browns will have an owner that'll spent some money on some decent talent and we'll have a winning team.
port saint lucie, FL
Posted 08:31 AM, 11/08/2009
The Clowns should be called the Brets.
Cleveland, Oh
Posted 08:49 AM, 11/08/2009
ITS A GREAT DAY TO BE A BROWNS FAN.... THE BYE WEEK!!!!
Anti-Politically Correct & Anti-GOP, OH
Posted 08:55 AM, 11/08/2009
Just like the U.S. Government, they need to clean house and start over from scratch.
Posted 09:14 AM, 11/08/2009
Did McManamon put you up to this???
cranberry twp, pa
Posted 09:19 AM, 11/08/2009
@Jim Dandy
"I watched Ohio State take a National Championship, went to one of the Indians World Series games, and have been to Cavs games that were historic and wouldn't trade my Cardiac Kids days for anything."
Ohio State is Columbus, not Cleveland. Pittsburgh is closer to Cleveland han Columbus is. Indians lost game 7 and havent won a WS since the 50's. Cavs choked last year and have NEVER won an NBA championship and the Browns have NEVER won a Super Bowl.
'Nuff said.
akron, oh
Posted 09:33 AM, 11/08/2009
@ BeerSteeler - Yeah, but who in their right mind would ever want to go to Pittsburg??
I'm a fan of Ohio State, so who cares where it's located. I got to see the Indians play a world series game, that's good enough for me. It's an accomplishment to get there.
The days of Mark Price, Brad Dougherty, etc, were the best basketball I ever watched. I'm content with that.
And yes, the Browns have never won a superbowl. But you got to love those Cardiac Kids days.
cranberry twp, pa
Posted 09:41 AM, 11/08/2009
If you want to be happy with mediocrity, more power to ya.
cranberry twp, pa
Posted 09:43 AM, 11/08/2009
Being happy with mediocrity is sad.
Best basketball I ever watched was Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen while playing the Cavs.
akron, oh
Posted 10:35 AM, 11/08/2009
@BeerSteeler: "The University of Pittsburg is an inverted mineshaft"
Duquesne Motto
akron, oh
Posted 10:38 AM, 11/08/2009
@BeerSteeler: The great state of Pa. has many things to be proud of. You aren't one of them.
_________, OH
Posted 10:46 AM, 11/08/2009
Come on..since when is there varying degrees in terms of loser. If it walks like a duck....
The more they lose the more disconneted fans become. At this point they should be coming off the field bloody from the fight for a win. Heaven forbid they sustain even a scratch. They all need to grow a pair. What incentive is there really? They still get their gazillions, laughing all the way to the bank... Making the Learners look like chumps!
Paradise, Oh
Posted 11:20 AM, 11/08/2009
We are a living oxymorn.
WE STINK GOOD!
Canton, OH
Posted 11:29 AM, 11/08/2009
Military Intelligence. .
Sweet Sorrow. . .
Jumbo Shrimp. .
Microsoft Works. . .
Cleveland Browns Football. .
Hudson, oh
Posted 01:12 PM, 11/08/2009
There is no guarantee they wont losethis week. The Browns ARE bad enough to lose on a bye-week.
WADSWORTH, OH
Posted 02:20 PM, 11/08/2009
bob-they are losing at half time 45 to 3...
Orange colors soon to be changed to Salmon like our drivers licenses....
PINK
Palm Beach Gardens , Fl
Posted 03:15 PM, 11/08/2009
to BS Oh sorry beersteeler, Indians last won in 1948 not 50's. Don't know your facts, don't make comments. How can you love the Cardiac Kids and now be a Steelers fan? Do you also wear flip flops in the snow. When the Browns come back, and they will history is on their side will your new name be BrownsBker?
Posted 03:36 PM, 11/08/2009
I remember just a few years ago when the Cincinnati Bengals were the laughingstock of the NFL. If the players weren't in jail they wish they were. Their front office was a total mess and they couldn't win either and no one wanted to play for them. Right now they're being the Baltimore Ravens 17 to nothing and they are the best team in the AFC North. Go Ohio!
Akron, OH
Posted 05:08 PM, 11/08/2009
BeerSteeler,
Maybe Jim Dandy should just become a front runner. Would you recommend doing that?
Akron, OH
Posted 08:19 PM, 11/08/2009
So basically what he's saying is that being a Browns fan is like your doctor coming in and saying "Yeah, it's a shame you're dying of heart disease, but at least you're not dying of cancer..."
Posted 09:45 PM, 11/08/2009
Hey Pat, you should have finished his article by reminding everyone that you were so inept the Browns fired you for Zac Jackson.
Akron, OH
Posted 12:51 AM, 11/09/2009
Hey Bob Dyer . . . . nothing but jokes . . . . but well executed . . . . I'm all for it.
Here is another big joke that is out there . . . . hiring Bernie Kosar as GM . . . . ouch, the thought of it hurts.
rmk/akron
everywhere, oh
Posted 07:12 AM, 11/09/2009
"When the Browns come back...."
I don't care who you are, THAT'S FUNNY!
everywhere, oh
Posted 07:13 AM, 11/09/2009
phisig677 - Keep dreaming, slow lerner's wallet appreciates your delusion.
akron, oh
Posted 07:47 AM, 11/09/2009
@BeerSteeler - No, sadness is a guy who expects perfection, and attempts to belittle others because they have enjoyed what they had.
@ TOJ - Front runner for what?
Cleveland, Oh
Posted 08:12 AM, 11/09/2009
I saw some grea football on Sunday too bad it wasnt from the Browns. Its sad commentary when I have to watch other games to be entertained. Execute the whole organization. Im all for that!!
Akron, OH
Posted 08:52 AM, 11/09/2009
jimdandy,
I'm making fun on BS for being a BS front runner Steeler fan. Of course, I'm sure he has some relative from Pittsburgh that explains it. It's the standard line from Steeler Nation born outside of Steeler Region.
Hudson, Oh
Posted 10:40 AM, 11/09/2009
toj-
BeerSteeler is FROM Cranberry PA which is maybe 10 or so miles from Pittsburgh. So much for your frontrunner theory.
Jealous much? Can't go after the football team so you make lame attempts at insulting fans. Typical.
Akron, OH
Posted 11:44 AM, 11/09/2009
Win or lose the Browns are my team! It's not a matter of being happy with mediocrity, but rather sticking by your team through thick or thin, for better or worse. Went to my first Browns game when I was 7. Way back in the days of Leroy Kelly. Watched countless Indians games with a few thousand of my closest friends back in the 70's & 80's. It isn't always easy being a Cleveland sports fan. We've been through a lot and besides, there's always the next game, next week, next year.
portsmouth, VA
Posted 11:55 AM, 11/09/2009
@TOJ - I would argue the Steeler bandwagon jumpers are much worse in my area. At least the ones in NE Ohio are somewhat in the same geographical region as Pittsburgh. We are right in the middle of what should be Redskin (and Carolina Panther) country.
You can always tell they are bandwagon jumpers when you ask them who they liked better, Brister or Malone. Blank stares tell you they have been lifelong, diehard fans since 2000.
everywhere, oh
Posted 12:41 AM, 11/10/2009
justagirl - a browns fan posted on here that women shouldn't be able to comment on sports - sadly you prove him right.
At least you can cut, save, and paste your comment next year, and the year after, and the year after.
Akron, OH
Posted 11:04 AM, 11/10/2009
@HONDACBX Whatever. Don't have time to get in a debate on this topic since I'm too busy enjoying another week in first place in our Fantasy Football league. That being an 11 man 1 women league.
Akron, OH
Posted 11:06 AM, 11/10/2009
Fricken typos...11 man 1 woman league.
Akron, OH
Posted 10:20 PM, 11/12/2009
You tell them, justagirl!! Since when was sports limited to men? I've gone to Indians, Browns and Cavs games, and enjoyed them all. Every week, 50% of the teams lose!! I will probably watch the Browns Monday night, at least for a quarter or so, until I get thoroughly disgusted. Who knows? The one week I don't watch, they might win????
