Stop Anthropomorphizing Me - Satire From 'The Onion'

What would we do without "The Onion?" Enjoy the following editorial from "Gerald."

I know this is going to come across a bit harsh, but I want to get straight to the point. Speaking on behalf of myself and all other completely nonhuman members of my species, I must insist that the practice of anthropomorphizing us stops right now.

I am not a human. I am a dog. I can't talk. I can't say a full sentence. Not even close. I can't experience complex emotions, I can't laugh, I can't rob a bank, and I have no idea that my name is Gerald. I can't even write, people, so please stop this anthropomorphizing business this instant.

It's not funny.

Editor's note: This is "The Onion" we're talking about, so be prepared for a "bad" word before clicking through to read it. You have been warned...

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