Even people with a direct line to God can’t solve telephone problems.
Bob: Yer recent column about robocalls is right on! Thank you.
Our phone-alization at the parish rectory is similar. The rectory phone number is 330-753-8429; Summa Health Care has a toll-free number that’s 800-753-8429.
Every day — EVERY DAY — people calling for Summa Health Care will absentmindedly enter their familiar 330 prefix, and then this happens to our staff members:
Ring. “Good morning. This is Immaculate Conception. Parish Rectory, Father Smith speaking. How can I be helpful?”
“Yeah. I got my bill, and there was a test I was billed for that was never done. Can I have that dropped?”
Sez I: “Ma’am, this is Immaculate Conception Church in Kenmore. To reach Summa Health Care, you must punch in an 800 prefix, not a 330 prefix.”
“Oh. Well, can you transfer me to Summa?”
Pastoral Parenthesis: Rather than “dropping an F-bomb,” Your Friendly Local Priest suggesteth taking the name of your least-favorite politician or celebrity, perhaps making it a verb or adjective. I get through a bad day by “Kardashianizing” on a regular basis.
Your bud in beautiful downtown Kenmore.
Rev. Michael B. Smith
Summa Health Care :)
Anonymous woman on voicemail:
“Thanks for your column on robocalls. That particular day we had four, one of them saying I was late on my student loan.
“Having graduated from Ohio University in 1957, you can see I don’t pay very well.”
Colleague Mark J. Price weighed in on the desire of many to obtain a souvenir brick from the historic B.F. Goodrich smokestack that has been torn down for safety reasons.
The half that was eliminated carried the “GOOD” part of the “GOODRICH” label.
Quipped Price: “Ernest Angley should buy those Goodrich bricks. He can repurpose the G-O-O-D and spell ‘O GOD’ on his front lawn.”
Dwane Casey, head coach of the Toronto Raptors — remember them? Gone fishin’. — cracked me up last week when he was talking about the Michael Jordan era.
Because so many players were intimidated by Jordan, Casey said, he would tell his players, “Hey, he puts his pants on one leg.” No, he didn’t add “at a time.”
Yes, it was just a slip of the tongue, but I love the visual of Michael Jordan wearing both legs of his pants on one leg.
Maybe then Craig Ehlo could have blocked that shot.
My nomination for Headline of the Year.
Atop a story about mixed earnings in a quarterly report for Bloomin’ Brands — the Tampa-based parent company for the Outback Steakhouse chain — some clever copy editor at the Tampa Tribune wrote:
in first quarter
FARM GET KNOTTY
The knothole guy I wrote about on Sunday has found a home for his collection. He is giving it to Heritage Farms in Peninsula, the village’s oldest family-run farm.
And speaking of 87-year-old Dean Johnson, he is not a Mormon, as I inexplicably wrote in Sunday’s paper. I was going to type “Quaker” but my fingers lost their mind.
Hate when that happens.
Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or firstname.lastname@example.org. He also is on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bob.dyer.31