The autopsy report for former Lafayette Township trustee Bryon Macron said he was stabbed and slashed six times, suffering wounds to his neck, both forearms and a shoulder.

No water was found in his airway, so he likely died before going into Chippewa Lake.

Yet this actually came out of the mouth of Prosecutor S. Forrest Thompson:

“It would be inappropriate to draw any conclusions beyond this factual report. It would be disrespectful to the family to say more.

“To call it murder is premature. To call it suicide is premature.”

Suicide?

He stabbed and slashed himself six times, in the neck, forearms and shoulder?

In his office?

And then, bleeding profusely from a gaping wound in his neck, he walked out to his car, started it up and drove 3 miles to the lake, where he climbed out and jumped in?

Wow.

Thompson says he doesn’t want to offend the family but then says Macron might have committed suicide?

Wow.

JARRING MELODIES

This email arrived the day I wrote about the sorry state of a road that starts directly across from the Cleveland Clinic Akron General Health & Wellness Center in Montrose.

Bob: My husband and I have lived in Heritage Woods in Copley since 1986 — longer than anyone else. We have seen/felt Heritage Woods Drive go from good to bad to worse then slightly better, then begin the cycle again.

Now that it resembles a series of rumble strips, our young (4½ and 1½) grandchildren love it! Every time I bring them to our house, they start vocalizing as soon as I turn into the neighborhood, and they think it’s hilarious when their voices change as we go over all the bumps. When Grandpa is with us, he usually joins in the chorus also.

Everyone else may want the road to be smoother, but for our family it is a great source of entertainment. We enjoy it the way it is!

Laura Jaroszewski

Copley

Laura: Although I am neither a kid nor a grandpa, I also vocalize while driving down that street. But the words I use are not appropriate for children.

BEACHED OUT

This email was sent to three Beacon Journal editors and a reporter by a hotshot publicist in Manhattan.

“Greetings Akron Beach team — please see the news release below with the information about the incredible accomplishments of ... .”

Said Editor Bruce Winges: “I have been here almost 35 years and have yet to see the beach.”

He did concede that he has visited Beach City in Stark County, but he can’t recall seeing any beaches there, either.

SEXY FUN

This arrived in my inbox last week in response to a story about a Dayton man who was arrested for trying to have sex with the grill of a van.

That item was printed in January. I guess some people just need a little time to fully process that kind of news.

Bob: On days I don’t have sex myself (usually seven days a week), I think about it, especially the guy who wanted to put the pedal to the metal and have sex with a vehicle. If he had sex with a car less than 10 years old, would he have to register as a “pedal-phile”?

If he wants to do it “doggie-style” with a Greyhound bus, I hope he turns off the engine before he “exhausts” himself.

OK, I am as weird as he is. When I had my recent checkup with my cardiologist, he told me I should reduce my sexual activity by 50 percent.

I asked which 50 percent I should give up — thinking about it or talking about it.

Allan Doelling

Fairlawn

Allan: Dr. Dyer advises you that fantasizing is fine as long as your thoughts don’t involve automotive equipment.

Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or bdyer@thebeaconjournal.com. He also is on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bob.dyer.31