Multiple-newspaper reader Linda Runion of Orrville choked on her coffee the other morning when she picked up her copy of the Wooster Daily Record and read this:

“LOUDONVILLE — You are invited to ‘Laugh the Night Away’ March 24-25 at 7:30 p.m. either night at the C.E. Budd Auditorium in Loudonville.

“Tickets are $5 both nights, $4 for snipers and students.”

And only $3 for ax murderers and toddlers.

BIONIC PETS

The Daily Record isn’t the only newspaper capable of typographical errors. (As if you hadn’t noticed.)

My favorite paper produced a beauty the other day in a promotional ad for classified ads:

“Did your car have kittens? Did your dog have puppies?

“Place your ad here 24/7 to find a home for the pups and kittens.”

Missed it by one lousy letter.

Reader Vickie Wine of Suffield was among those who thoroughly enjoyed the typo:

“Wow... if my CAR had kittens, I’d be a millionaire, touring the country showing off the litter of car-kitties!”

Newsroom colleagues tittered as well. Metro Editor Cheryl Powell said something about “the purr of an engine,” while Deputy Metro Editor Joe Thomas suggested the car in question must be a Mercury Cougar.

Not sure how many classified ads we sold, but smiles are priceless.

At least that’s what we’ll tell the owner.

GROSS GUYS

This arrived in response to a column in which a reader criticized Terry Francona, saying every time the Indians manager appears on camera he “is either drinking water, spitting or chewing like a mother cow in heat with a big bull approaching.”

Bob: Your column gave me the perfect opening to ask you something I have been wanting to throw out there.

Question: Why do guys spit?

Not talking about ballplayers who are obviously using tobacco of some type. Just normal guys walking down the street who aren’t chewing anything.

As for Francona, my daughter went to Spring Training this year and my fee for dog-sitting was a T-shirt signed by him. She got it. Only problem is I have no idea what he wrote; maybe “Tito”?

My granddaughter told me she asked him once and he walked away but she persisted so he came back and signed.

I just wonder how long his teeth will last with all that chewing. And knowing it’s a combo of tobacco and bubble gum is disgusting.

But, hey, I love what he is doing with the Tribe.

Sue Fuller

Wadsworth

Sue: At least he didn’t give the shirt back with tobacco stains.

As for “Tito,” that’s his nickname, same as the first name of his father, who played for the Indians from 1959 through 1963.

No, the Tribe didn’t win a World Series when the younger Tito was here. Or since the older Tito arrived. Or any year in between. But we’ll see.

Why do guys spit? Because they are more concerned about the environment than women. Women use Kleenex, which ends up in landfills and sewage plants and septic tanks. Instead of blowing their noses, men just snort in and spit out. End of problem.

Hey, don’t blame me. You asked the question.

TAX SCOFFLAW

Bob: I recently received a certified letter from the Stark County Treasurer stating I am delinquent in my taxes, and that my tax liability is to be sold by tax lien certificate at the next sale unless I get my behind over to the tax office and pay my delinquent taxes. Oh, and by the way, there is also a $200 reinstatement fee.

Believe me when I tell you I was stunned, as I have owned this property since 1989 and have always paid the taxes. So I immediately went to the auditors website, entered the parcel number and I discovered that I really was delinquent. I owed three cents. I must have written the wrong amount when I paid last July.

So off to Canton I go. As everyone knows, this requires a day trip because the treasurer’s hours are not very consumer-friendly.

When I arrive, I am sent to see a deputy treasurer who will, I suppose, set me up on a payment plan. I said I was pretty sure I could come up with three cents, but the $200 reinstatement fee had me worried.

Being the nice man that he was, he said I didn’t have to pay that. I was relieved. So I decided to ask why all this fuss over such a small amount? He said,“I have no idea. That all comes from upstairs” — whatever that means.

I guess the powers-that-be have decided that no expense shall be spared to send the message that Stark County will not put up with delinquent taxpayers.

So now you have my three cents worth.

John Workman

Canal Fulton

John: You got off easy. I would have locked you up.

Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or bdyer@thebeaconjournal.com. He also is on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bob.dyer.31.