A reader whose identity I will protect (you’re welcome) left me a voicemail quite a while ago that I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out.

I can’t. Maybe you can help.

She was watching a protest on TV, and had decided that when any group gets a permit for a demonstration, the group should be required to supply portable toilets.

“I think that would alleviate a lot of these issues,” she said. “You know, all those problems they have in soccer games in Europe and South America and Africa, where all those thousands of men show up.

“It’s actually the urine from the men to the men that makes them hostile. So give them port-a-potties and have women around and you alleviate that problem.

“That’s why football games are not as dangerous as baseball games to the audience — because a lot of women come to the football games.

“I don’t know if my facts are truthful, but you can look that up. And I’m sure you can make it a lot more interesting.

“But I thought that would alleviate a lot of problems. So if you want a permit, you need to know how many people are coming and you need that many bathrooms per person.

“Thank you. Bye.”

Oh, my. Where to begin?

Well, her “facts” are alternative. Although she is correct in terms of gender — the NFL fan base is roughly 45 percent female, while MLB attracts the highest percentage of males of all the major sports, at about 70 percent — fan violence is far worse in football.

That’s partly because of the intensity of the sport itself and partly because football teams play only once a week, rather than six or seven times in baseball, so a typical game means a lot more.

But more to the point … I don’t believe that any skirmish I have witnessed during half a century of attending sporting events was the result of men peeing on each other. Am I missing something?

Deerly departed

And since we’re already talking about urine ...

Awhile back I wrote about unwelcome creatures that readers had discovered inside their houses, like rodents and possums and bats, oh my.

One of the people who responded, former Beacon Journal Managing Editor Thom Fladung, acknowledged that his contribution didn’t really fit into what I was writing about, but he wanted to send it anyway (power-hungry guys like him never follow the rules).

He wrote, “This doesn’t count because it wasn’t technically ‘alive.’ But we had a plastic deer head in our toilet in college for more than a semester. Man, I miss UD.”

And now, with additional information, comes Gary Ciolli of Copley.

“I can confirm the plastic deer head in Thom Fladung’s college toilet. I was one of his housemates at the University of Dayton.

“Truth be told, the head was placed in the toilet by a couple of Thom’s fellow St. Thomas Aquinas High School alums who were visiting UD for the weekend. I, a graduate of Central Catholic, the more sophisticated parochial school in Stark County, had nothing to do with the deer head finding our bowl.

“However, I must say it was fascinating the way that head spun after a good flush!

“GO FLYERS!”

And flushers.

Too hot

At first glance, you might think a Northfield Center Township trustee should have better things to worry about. But as a fellow member of the grammar police, I must applaud the tenacity of Paul Buescher, who has declared a word war on the Northeast Ohio Public Energy Council.

He shared this email he sent to NOPEC:

“I’ve contacted you about this before with no response ...

“Why do you continuously refer to a water heater as a ‘hot water heater’? How can you save money by spending it to heat water that is already hot?

“This is a really STUPID mistake and sure doesn’t make NOPEC look very good or smart! Please consider changing your wording. If not, please explain to me why you won’t.

“Thank you and have a nice day.”

I don’t know how nice my day would be after getting a missive like that, but I’d definitely lose the heat.

Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or bdyer@thebeaconjournal.com. He also is on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bob.dyer.31