Having observed our whizbang President for five years now, I feel qualified to make the following political predictions for the new year. Here is what my crystal ball tells me is in store for us in 2014:
- In January, Republicans will make the astute observation that if Obama wants to hold down healthcare insurance premiums, it might be a grand idea to stop TAXING INSURANCE COMPANIES AND PREMIUMS, as Obamacare Does (or is it DUHes ?). Obviously, those taxes drive up the cost of our insurance premiums. Rep. Ted Cruz (R-TX) says "only a progressive would believe he can make something less expensive by taxing it". When the White House Press Corps asks Obama's Press Secretary, Jay Carney, about the new Obamacare insurance taxes, Carney calls the Republicans "obstructionist" and states, "the American people aren't worried about how much we tax them. They are worried about providing for their families". This gets a hearty round of laughter from the entire press corps, save for the New York Times journalist, who doesn't understand what is so darned funny. He writes an op-ed blaming Fox News and Rush Limbaugh for "dumbing down the White House Press Corp to fool the low-information voters".
- In February, with Obama's approval rating falling to another record low, the President will pivot to the economy for the 6th or 10th time (who can keep track ?), stating that "jobs are our number one priority, and it's about time the Republicans do something about it". Obama will release his own economic plan, consisting of a new trillion dollar stimulus package for labor unions and minorities, free universal government childcare, an executive order forcing Walgreen's to provide free mammograms, and an indefinite extension of unemployment benefits. Illustrating that his plan "doesn't add one cent to the deficit", Obama proposes paying for it by raising the marginal income tax rate to 50% for "rich people who earn over $50,000 per year".
- At the beginning of March, the Dow-Jones Industrial Average wil hit a record high of 20,000. The Federal Reserve sees this as a very encouraging economic sign, and announces it will beging tapering quantitative easing measures in April. By the end of March, the Dow-Jones Average drops to 13,000.
- In April, Obama announces that the healthcare.gov website is working much better now, and Obamacare is moving along as planned. As proof, the President points to a chart that shows almost half as many people have signed up for Obamacare as have lost their insurance because of Obamacare. The President then suspends all Obamacare regulations until after the midterm elections. Jay Carney says the Obamacare rollout would have gone much smoother if not for those Republican obstructionists. Widespread Press Corps snickering is heard, to which Carney haughtily replies, "I know they don't tell you these things on Fox News", and stomps off.
- In May, the Federal Reserve announces it will not taper after all, and the Dow shoots back up to 18,000.
- In June, with an approval rating that barely registers on the Richter scale, Obama issues an executive order decriminalizing illegal immigration. Twelve million Democratic voters, er, I mean, Mexicans, cross the border over the next two weeks. The President insists that both the new and old "undocumented workers" will contribute their fair share to American society, and begins a new federal Green Card Instant Lotto game. One of every ten $1 tickets sold is an actual Green Card. The federal government raises $250 million from the Lotto, which reduces the deficit to only $900 billion for FY2014. Obama praises himself for his "austerity measure".
- In July, with polls showing Republicans likely to take over the majority in the Senate and widen it's lead in the House, an internal Democratic Committee memo is leaked to the press. The memo states that Republicans will be called "greedy racist white men who hate women and the poor" until after the midterm elections. The memo also decries the GOP's divisive political tactics. MSNBC and ThinkProgress deny the existence of the memo, claiming it was planted by those greedy racist white men who hate women and the poor. Jay Carney begins every subsequent press conference by saying "Koch Brothers" ten times in a row.
- In August, the official unemployment rate drops to 6.2%, while the real unemployment rate remains at 15%.
- In September, citing the success of the incandescent light bulb ban, Obama bans cigars, non-light beer, automobile accidents, Big Macs, and Voter ID laws. He also makes it illegal for anyone to go outside after dark without wearing a reflective orange vest, and all automobile drivers will be required to wear a bicycle helmet.
- In October, with Democrats still trailing at the polls, Obama suddenly withdraws all troops from Afghanistan and the Democratic National Committee starts handing out free Obama phones to all registered Democrats.
- In November, the Democrats hold onto to their Senate majority. Obama lauds it as the power of the Democratic message. Republicans hold onto their lead in the House, but after 75 recounts and hundreds of thousands of Democratic ballots being found in car trunks, the Democrats win the House after all. The new Democratic majority immediately begins making plans to get the other half of America dependent on the government.
- In December, the Democrats rename Christmas to "Happyjoymas", so as not to offend anyone. Clinically depressed people object, saying they feel marginalized.