Wine aficionado and Beacon Journal photographer Phil Masturzo, who writes about the joys of the grape for my favorite newspaper, noted that during the Cleveland Indians’ clubhouse celebration after they clinched the Central Division title, the players were throwing back — and throwing around — $40 bottles of G.H. Mumm Cordon Rouge champagne.

The team bought 240 bottles of the stuff.

Phil also noted that G.H. Mumm Cordon Rouge was the brand that was served on the Titanic.

Uh-oh.

Fun with typos

A typographical error in Monday’s paper brought a smile to reader Gayle Tarr. In a story about the controversial Akron homeless encampment, we reported that a housing team would be formed. Except it came out “hounding team.”

Wrote Gayle: “Does this ‘hounding team’ bring out the dogs or just ‘hound’ the residents until they move?”

Wasted effort

I was emailed a news release the other day with a headline that read, “Timken Split Cylindrical Roller Bearing Housed Units Can Save Time for Hard-to-Service Bearings.”

Methinks it’s time for somebody to narrow down the mailing list.

Ancient universe

Mark J. Price spends a lot of time looking through old newspapers for his awesome weekly history column, “This Place, This Time.”

He has come across a lot of weird stuff over the years, but a recent find was so bizarre that he decided to forward it to his second-favorite columnist.

It is headlined, “Clever Women Achieve Beauty, Charm, Even If Homely, By Use of Cosmetics."

It was written by a nationally syndicated columnist named Gladys Glad. Seriously. That was her real name.

Beneath her byline was the tag, “America’s Most Famous Beauty.” She was a beauty queen-turned-Broadway actress-turned writer. Apparently it all went terribly wrong when she married a well-known newspaper columnist, Mark Hellinger of the New York Daily News.

Gladys had been married for four years when that headline appeared in the Nov. 7, 1933 edition of the ABJ.

“Back in the old days,” she began, “when the expression ‘Handsome is as handsome does’ was regarded as the proper retort for any gal who lamented her lack of loveliness, it was generally believed that if a girl wasn’t good looking, she had to be smart.

“The same thing holds true today, too, but in a different sense. In granny’s day, to be smart meant to be learned. But today, to be smart means to be wise in the ways of achieving a semblance of attractiveness.”

Hoo-boy.

“You’d be amazed at how often ugly ducklings today transform themselves into potent charmers merely through a knowledge of make-up, coiffure arrangement, gowning and the like. Even the facial contours can be influenced, and that’s what I’m going to dwell on today, for a good many femmes have written to me recently complaining that their faces are too round and full for loveliness.”

During my 33 years at this newspaper, I have gotten more letters and emails than I can even begin to count, but I’m pretty sure I never received a complaint about that.

“It’s true that sometimes a round, full face can prove a source of annoyance. For while softly rounded contours are most youthful, an over-plump, moon face can make even a really slender girl look much heavier than she really is.”

I’ll spare you the rest, other than to pass along her tip that those with a face like the moon should part their hair on the side, avoid bangs, “bring it softly forward on her cheeks” and keep it flat by the ears.

You’re most welcome.

 

Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or bdyer@thebeaconjournal.com. He also is on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bob.dyer.31